17 August 2009


Newsday's inimitable Neil Best has reported on his blog, http://www.newsday.com/blogs/sports/watchdog-1.812020/espn2-to-show-a-package-of-premier-league-soccer-1.1374264 that ESPN will begin televising English Premier League Soccer.
What's next?
Bravo Network sends Nina Garcia and Tim Gunn to Teheran in search of unique Burkha designers? It sickens me to think that Seal would have to get to Heidi Klum by negotiating through layers of canvas.
Likewise, I break out in hives when I see kids running around my old baseball haunts kicking a soccer ball on the freshly sodded infield dirt.

So grab a hot dog and a Coke, (much tastier than bangers, tacos and goat's milk), sit back and discover why this "Soccer in America Phenomenom" must be stopped.....NOW.


Why Soccer Is The Harbinger of The Downfall of The American Civilization.
America has long been the Beacon of Light in a foggy world. Everything about this country, whether it's our approach to politics, education, economics, religion, sex, entertainment, and especially sports has been unique and vastly different than the rest of the world. That's why our ancestors came over here starting in the 1500's with their tired and their poor, to get away from the way things were done in the Old and Third Worlds. To carve out a Brave New World, where stuff is done differently, and the shackles of Planet Earth ineptitude are discarded.

And America flourished. As did uniquely American sports.
Baseball, Football, Basketball, Softball and even Volleyball ruled the land.
America ruled the world.

Now enter circa 1970's. Thanks to ABC's Curt Gowdy and Roone Arledge (the unwitting quislings in this mess) , we were introduced to a sport that ruled the rest of the wide world of sports. A sport that was played in every other corner of the world, but not so much here.
A sport who's hero, Pele, shared that moniker with the Hawaiian GODDESS OF DANCE.
And so began the inexorable decline of The American Empire.

Kids who lacked the hand eye coordination to hit a baseball....were encouraged to play soccer, in lieu of working at improving their skills.
Parent's who dreaded football knee and back injuries....made their kids play soccer.
Kid's who couldn't figure out which foot to elevate off of for a layup......had no problems kicking a soccer ball.

America began losing it's uniqueness and started looking like "the rest of the world".

Our schoolyards now look like Wembley Stadium.....no diamonds, no goal posts....just a boring piece of greenery.
We have a generation of kids who thinks it's okay to roll around in feigned crumpled agony whenever someone "invades their space".
These same kids have been raised playing a sport where "everyone gets to play", abilities notwithstanding, and that mindset now carries over into real life, and every subset of American culture is clamoring for "equal rights".
We've got a huge segment of society that can no longer hammer a nail, or even change a lightbulb....cuz they never played a sport that fostered proper hand eye coordination.
Standing up for oneself, challenging authority, getting involved in a decent argument is now frowned upon and avoided for fear of being given a color coded card of political incorrectness.

More importantly, while all of this was going on, Detroit was catering to the well publicized and glamorized "soccer mom" demographic by building gas guzzling minivans, increasing our dependence on foreign oil, and in effect, shaping our foreign policy as successive Administrations had to ensure that Little Johnnies and Jennifers had a way to get to their soccer practices.

And how can we possibly compete against the Asians (baseball RULES across the Pacific) in this 21st Century Economic Beast that is mouse click driven.... where fortunes can be lost by slow reaction time between hand and eye? Is someone gonna design a foot mouse for our new nationwide army of chairbound Grass Fairies?

C'mon people.....stop the madness. (I've got LOTS more....but there are space limitations here)
Send this game (and I use that word VERY LOOSELY) of soccer back to where it belongs. Outside of OUR borders.

Reclaim and Preserve our American Ways (flawed as they are).

Just my opinion


  1. Being an avid Hockey and Football fan I find Soccer somewhat boring as well. Now I used to watch indoor soccer for a while..when it was televised/Regionally, and that was kinda entertaining & fun.. I mean at least the score was something different than
    1-0 after a few hours and there were a few good fights. I really dont think 505 you have to worry about soccer taking over primetime TV slots in the near future ... also somewhat of a strecth imo.. on many of your comparisons and conclusions... any thinking person reading this would contend you are just writing inflammatory dialog to get readership. But I guess that is the American way for the 21st century Blogger ;-)

  2. "any thinking person reading this would contend you are just writing inflammatory dialog to get readership"

    A valid observation.

    BUT.....anyone who knows me, really knows me, knows that I have absolutely no use for soccer.
    Indeed, the thought or mention of it is one of the few things in life that makes my blood boil. It pains me to see the diamonds of baseball field after baseball field in this country recovered with sod.

    Call it strange, call it paranoid, call it phobic, I accept the criticisms.

    Are my comparisons a stretch or wacky? Certainly..guilty as charged.... but no less a stretch than my off the wall and wacky observation written awhile back (on another blog)that there is a correlation between the rapid expansion of Starbucks and the dramatic increase in road rage in America.

    Little things in life that are intended to at least make you go.....hmmmmmm.

    Thanks for reading.

  3. BTW....how's that new and improved website work out for ya?

    Turd and Wrong.

  4. They can turn the patches of green into mini golf courses. The ball doesn't move so the hand-eye impaired would still have a sport.