11 June 2010

No Political Correctness Here

Back in May of 2002, I had the good fortune to be among the earliest visitors to, what was at the time, The National D-Day Museum. A dream of renowned author, historian and educator Stephen Ambrose. (Band of Brothers, Citizen Soldiers, Undaunted Courage among his myriad of works).

In the following years, the popularity of this shrine grew immeasurably, thanks to Mr. Ambrose's continued works (note...Mr. Ambrose has come under a lot of posthumous scrutiny and concern about plagiarism and fabriction recently......that's a topic for somewhere else) as well as the notoriety of Tom Brokaw's popular book "The Greatest Generation". So much so that this one-time factory where New Orleans' native Andrew Higgins mass produced the landing craft that carried millions of GI's and Marines to distant beaches, was greatly expanded to cover the entire effort of WWII, and eventually the name of the museum was changed to reflect it's all encompassing coverage of the War of Our Parents.

So it was with great anticipation that I returned to that museum while passing through New Orleans this week. Not only did I want to see the memorial brick that I purchased for my Father back in 2002, (very 1st section....AA, on the corner or Camp and Andrew Higgins Drive), but I was looking forward to seeing the expanded tribute to the millions of Americans who participated in the War.

Little did I realize how pleasantly surprised I would be. Not because there was any earth shattering information for me to glean perusing these old factory hallways, I have been a voracious reader of all things WWII since Dick and Jane primers. (1st book? Guadalcanal Diary by Richard Tregaskis in 2nd grade).

But there was one small section of the museum about the Pacific War that stood out to me. Only because in this day and age of overblown Political Correctness, I was somewhat surprised that the Curators allowed it.

There is a good 4-5 minute walk within the museum dedicated to Japanese atrocities during WWII. And the pictures, monuments, and stories are horrifying. So much so, that there is a parental warning at the beginning of it, as well a a side route to avoid it.

I think this section of the exhibit is a GOOD thing. Cuz we must never overlook or sugarcoat the horrible brutality of war. And in fairness, there is some (not a lot) mention of the reciprocal treatment that was given to the Japanese by our own soldiers.

But, the silver lining here in all of this is that I think by showcasing this politically incorrect aspect of the Pacific War (The Japanese Brutality), a different kind of "political correctness" will be unintentionally enforced.

Many ears ago, in the 70's and early 80's, I spent many a weekend carousing Kalakaua Blvd. in Waikiki. This was during a period when Japanese Tourism to the Hawaiian Islands was peaking. Nothing wrong with that.....they're good people and spend lots of money. But one thing always bothered me. And that was seeing Japanese men, especially older men, fresh off of a tour of Pearl Harbor, wearing USS Arizona baseball caps and T-shirts. Call me jingoistic, but I found that offensive. The same way I would feel in 2010 if Islamic Fundamentalists dressed their women in burkhas featuring images of the World Trade Center. And probably no different than how a Japanese citizen would feel if I walked around downtown Hiroshima in a T-shirt featuring a mushroom cloud with a "Made in America, Tested in Japan" caption. (indeed, I admit it....I DID get a T-shirt like that made to wear on Kalakaua in response to the Japanese wearing Arizona hats and tees).

But thanks to this one particular new section in the WWII Museum, I doubt very much that Japanese tourists will visit our WWII Museum. And more importantly, very little chance that we will ever see Japanese tourists walking down Canal Street in N'Orleans with souvenir baseball caps or T-Shirts from the WWII Museum.

All of us from all nations can and should honor our fallen warriors in proper ways.

Without wearing "souvenirs" from former opponent's hallowed grounds. 
Just my opinion.

07 June 2010

After All......It's A Small, Small World


Welcome to San Antonio, Texas. 
Leave it to The Lone Star State to steal what is arguably the most annoying ride in Disneyland and create a larger tourist trap around it, and line it's banks with a Who's Who list of every monolithic, publicly held corporate restaurant, retail outlet and theme bar on the S+P 500. Pardon my negativity here, but San Antonio and it's Riverwalk area may well be the most overrated entertainment district in America. Walked, ate and drank my way around the entire length of it yesterday afternoon/evening and while I can't/won't deny that I throroughly enjoyed myself, (cuz no one has more fun than I do) there was something about this attempt at recreating Pleasure Island that left a plastic taste in my mouth.

The live music was below average (an ENGLISH bloke playing Clancy Brothers Revolutionary songs in an Irish Pub?, a jazz quartet that played Dave Brubeck's "Take 5" three times in the same 45 minute set?), the food was weak (ordered a "Tex-Mex" Conqueso appetizer to see how it compared to New Mexican fire engine standards and received what can best be described as a bowl of melted Velveeta and Kraft American Singles littered with a few morsels of Vidalia onions), and with a few exceptions (the bartender in the Irish Pub and my waitress in the English Pub), the employee staff generally gave me the impression that they would rather be home watching 60 Minutes. Especially the manager of the English Pub (Mad Dogs) who saw no humor in what I considered "the question of the day". The entrance to Mad Dogs is appointed with the requisite hostess stand and a very lifelike English Bulldog statue/doll right next to it. Let's just say that I was lucky to be seated after I asked the manager if I could Kiss the Bulldog and Pet the Waitress.

Topping things off, there's some kind of Sleep Apnea Convention in town. As I write this, eight thousand pseudo doctors are walking around San Antonio in some kind of Kreskin-like trance, each one trying to put a colleague/competitor down for a nap with their banter.

Thank God New Orleans is my next stop (If I can get there tonight).

Road Sign/Billboard of the Day. (kinda)
Remember the episode of Undercover CEO when the head of Hooter's busted the sexist store manager who was treating his waitstaff like shit? Well, that guy better get down to San Antonio. While walking past the Riverwalk Hooter's, I (and those around me) couldn't help but notice the lone waitress who was working the outside section of the restaraunt, by herself, on this 100 degree day. Visualize a young woman in a standard Hooter's skimpy next to nothing outfit.....and she's about 8 months pregnant....and sweating like a Sumo Wrestler in a Norwegian Sauna. Now don't get me wrong here, I have long held the belief that the most attractive woman in the world is a pregnant one, because within that image is a beauty that defines the essence of life. BUT....couldn't Hooter's be a tad more progressive here and allow the woman to wear something a little more complimentary to her condition? Couldn't Heidi Klum be consulted on some appropriate Hooter's wear for pregnant women? Just my opinion.

Quote of the Day...(besides mine)
Stopped for gas in a tiny little hamlet (Kerr Village) about 80 miles outside of San Antonio yesterday morning. The storefront of this tiny convenience store looked like it was built in the 1800's and had been converted from a saloon or some such. The woman working in it could have been a decent replacement for Ceil ("The Upper 48") from the Bore Tide in Alaska. She was a chatterbox with the 3-4 people standing in line ahead of me. I walked up, handed her $30.00 for gas on pump 2. She thanked me and told me to have a nice day and a safe trip. Since I planned on purchasing water and ciggies as well, I said to her "Oh no, not yet....I'm not finished with you Ma'am". She gave a wry smile and one of those looks that said "hmmm....apparently she's not done with me, either".
So, I filled up my tank and returned to the store. I entered and quipped to her "Told you I'd be back", and headed down an aisle, eyeing other sundries. At that point she yelled out at me from behind the counter:
"Just for you, our shopping hours are extended until 11PM this evening". 

But I guess you had to be there.

06 June 2010


Photo stolen from the copyrighted photographer in the lower right
(Problem? contact Ben Dover at Dewey, Cheatham and Howe LLP...AKA lower and lower principles)

Day One point five of 505's "Go East Old Mahon" escape from the Dusted Bowl of New Mexico.

One of the more enjoyable drives in the Rocky Mountain West is US Highway 285, a road constructed well before Dwight Eisenhower's ambitious Interstate Highway Program shifted a high volume of north/south traffic to I-25. During my 24 years in the 505, I have had the pleasure of traveling US 285 through all of Northern New Mexico and most of Colorado. But only yesterday, on my way outta town, did I venture into southeastern New Mexico via that one time main artery. 

Bits and pieces from that star studded trek down UFO Alley to Roswell and beyond:

There is pretty much nothing from Clines Corners (60 miles east of Albuquerque) to Roswell except for overgrazed grassland freely littered with cattle and antelope. (Saw two herds of antelope, one herd had 17 members, the other 12....how do I know? Count all the legs and divide by 4 silly).

About 15 miles north of Roswell, I noticed (well, I couldn't miss it) a Mayflower moving van steaming north like a Flying Dutchman billowing smoke out of the rear of the cab that was thick enough to make me come to a near complete stop, as the foaming 300 foot long fog obliterated the southbound lanes to near zero visibility. Was very thankful that southbound traffic behind me was 1/100th the volume of the Jersey Turnpike and California's I-5 during heavy ocean borne fog and no one plowed into my rear, nor did I destroy anyone (no one) in front of me.

Roswell may well be considered and known as the "UFO Capital of the World" and the "Dairy Farm of NM" but the real story of Roswell is it's cemetery. And it's not just an an average cemetery.

About 5 miles south of town, just off of 285,  is the Roswell Airport and "Air Center". Over 250 mostly widebodied aircraft from the "Glory Years" of the Airline Industry are buried above ground upon that air frame mausoleum. Not the least of which, as I spied, were a couple of old Northwest DC-10's. And if it wasn't for the fact that it was 109 degrees in the shade outside of my air conditioned 95 Sonoma, I might have stopped at the airpark to see if either of those DC-10's still had the checkbook Jim Snow stole from me one well lubricated night/early morning on a redeye from Anchorage-Seattle aboard NW028. In the seat pocket of 2D if I'm not mistaken. (and you won't find any capless miniatures next to it....those were the days when Northwest flight attendants free poured from fifths).

It's about 40 miles from Roswell to the next bustling metropolis along US 285....Artesia.

The stretch of road between Roswell and Artesia should forever be known as the "The Ole Factory Highway". Accessorized with roadside signs that read, "This section of the road sponsored by....." and are licensed  to Lysol Air Cleaner (aerosol and spray) and Renuzit Car Freshener. For the first 30 miles or so, US 285 south of Roswell, is rimmed by one of the world's largest and continuous dairy cow plantations...with 10's of thousands of bovines feasting upon all of natures finest synthetic vitamin laced natural ingredients. Waking up on the floor of a locker room the morning after a Deviled Egg Eating Competition (sponsored by Budweiser) would be a distant Silver Medalist in this Olympic Aromatic Showdown.

Not to be outdone, the last ten miles into Artesia has it's own sensory claim to fame. The skyline of Artesia, visible from 10 miles away, can best be described as a 1950's Hasbro Erector Set Christmas present that was hijacked by 1960's MIT freshman overdosed on hallucinogenic drugs. Mile upon mile of 3-4 story natural gas drilling and refinery apparatus highlighted by a continuous and overwhelming noxious, gaseous stench. An odor that would put the most insomniac among us into a long and comfortable death engaging snooze. I kept looking for signs that read "No Smoking Within 10 Miles Of Artesia", fearful that if I fired up a ciggie within the confines of this government sanctioned environmental disaster zone, I would go down in history as the two-legged equivalent of Mrs. O'Leary's cow.

And...that's not even the highlight of a drive through Artesia....Nope... not even close....
Ten miles from Artesia is the customary "Welcome to Artesia" sign that is a requisite in rural American approach arteries.

Just within a street walker's operating radius from that welcome sign, and MILES from anything else, was one of the finest looking, cleanest, largest, most modern Barnes and Noble equivalent of an Adult Video Store known to humanity.
Go figure.

Roadside Sign/Billboard of the Day.
Ever been on a rural highway approaching a town in the middle of nowhere and see billboards/wallboards spaced about 100 yards aparts encouraging road warriors to visit a gas station/curio shop in the approaching town?

Carlsbad New Mexico (remember in the 60's how every cool dad had a bumper sticker that read "I visited Carlsbad Caverns NM"?

Yesterday......final descent into Carlsbad there were about 6 short and spiffy roadside signs spaced about 100 yards apart along 285 promoting a Curio/Souvenir Shop in Carlsbad. One of the signs read...

WHAT?? ...........Anachronism? Twilight Zone? or a Brilliant Flashback to days gone by?
(I wonder if they sell Kodak flash bulbs with blue dots on them?)

Just my opinion.

09 May 2010


"Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own"

10/Betty White...who can't love this woman after her performance on SNL last night? Give her an Emmy. NOW!!
9/Marie Curie....saved more children than anyone else in history.
8/June Cleaver....Whether or not she actually said it (Urban Legend?), In an era of oppressive TV censorship and Seven Words You Can't Say on Television, she is nevertheless credited with one of the most famous prime time quotes of all time,"Ward, I think you were a little hard on The Beaver last night".
7/Rose Kennedy...She buried five of her nine children, raised a president, two U.S senators, while married to arguably the most corrupt and dishonest man in American History.
6/Kim Biel....gave our world her daughter.....thank you , thank you, thank you.

5/Lucille Ball.....In defiance of CBS TV executives in the 1950's she made the word "pregnant" (as well as the "condition" of pregnancy) an acceptable word and FACT OF LIFE to national TV audiences. (When CBS execs wanted her to use the word "expectant", Luci unleashed an "expectorant" on the suits).
4/Mother Earth...who despite the sniveling protestations of Pauline Gore's son, continues to cheerfully allow us to use her resources that we need for survival within her womb.
3/Anna Jarvis....who is she you ask? DUH!!! She's the woman who founded the idea of Mother's Day!! No doubt has honorary membership in the Hallmark, Brachs, and FTD Corporate Halls of Fame.
2/The Mother of (and) my children's mother. Without either of whom, I wouldn't have two great kids.
1/This Fine Lady....what kind of heel would I be if I didn't make my own mother Number One? (She's the one on the left...Not bad for 86 years old, eh? BAD ME for not making her 86th b'day....and the woman on the right gets more than an honorable mention...my aunt who raised 6 hellraising Irish sons).

06 May 2010



A lot is being said and done these days as a result of the Arizona Immigration Law. The Progressive Left has suddenly and miraculously discovered The Constitution after months of standing by and applauding while Obama trampled it, and the Conservative Right has conveniently overlooked the part of The Constitution that charges the Federal Government with the sole responsibility of protecting our nation's borders.

All good stuff in the constantly evolving debate of political tomfoolery. My opinion? I am philosophically opposed to the AZ Immigration Law. Only because I believe that the State of Arizona has overstepped it's Constitutional Rights here by engaging in an issue that is the domain of the Federal Government. With that said, however, I can't blame the Arizona leaders taking this kind of action.  They are in bad shape and need help desperately, and they are doing what they can to help themselves, regardless of the illegal and unconstitutional nature of it.
To me, it's kinda like a good looking young woman who lives in a really bad part of town, foregoing the normal TIME CONSUMING mandated laws that are required to secure a weapon for her own safety, and buying a pistol off the street and hiding it in her bedroom/purse to be used....ONLY IF NEEDED.
She's illegal as hell....but who can blame her?

Overlooked in all of this debate, however, or should I say illicitly drawn into this debate, is the attempt by many in the media as well as our own President, to engage our nation's sports and it's athletes into the controversy. To use basketball and baseball as a bully weapon in support of the plight of illegal immigrants.

While baseball writers like Mike Lupica and Ken Davidoff have jumped on the "nouveau chic convenient Constitutionalism" bandwagon by urging Major League Baseball to support opposition of the Arizona Bill and BOYCOTT Arizona by pulling the 2011 All-Star Game, Barack Obama forgot his pom poms yesterday when he delivered a speech praising the Phoenix Suns for changing their jerseys to "Los Suns".
C'mon Mr. President....MORE ACTION to help our beleaguered neighbors in Arizona and less cheerleading please? Would it be so difficult to move a couple of divisions from the Korean Border to man OUR Southern border? We're being invaded sir, and people---American citizens--are dying.
(It's kinda like what noted Roman commenter, Islander011+39 calligraphied onto a scroll 2 thousand years ago.."YO.... Nero, why do we have 15 legions trying to maintain Pax Britannica between the Picts and the Gaels while Tuscany is being flooded with Goths? And fer Marssakes, Nero, will ya please put that damn fiddle away?".

Indeed, the sickening aspect of sport's writers taking a (personal) stand with their "nouveau chic and convenient Constitutionalism" by urging "boycotts" of Arizona sporting events (AKA- declaring economic war) is that they themselves would not join any boycott. When I asked Ken Davidoff of Newsday (on Neil Best's blog.....cuz I am now "boycotting" Davidoff's blog) whether he would stand by the boycott he was proposing for MLB by not writing about the D'Backs or going to Arizona to cover Yankee or Met Games in Arizona, he replied...."I will mention the Diamondbacks as much as I normally would". (and I surmise that he forgot to answer the part about whether HE would travel to Arizona to cover the Yanks and Mets).
Yet when I questioned the hypocrisy of this position, he accused me of  "creating my own paradigm" for measuring hypocrisy.
Really Ken.....just what is YOUR paradigm of hypocrisy? This time zone awaits that definition.

Nothing is more dangerous in our country than an elitist media that will urge others to fight a war (economic or otherwise) that they themselves would not participate in.

But never fear Americans....there is ONE person in the Sport's World who gets it. There is at least ONE GUY who realizes that sports and teams and franchises SHOULD NEVER be used to bully national politics. A guy near and dear to my own heart from the Knick's Championship Season of 1973, a guy who fit the role as a dependable 6th man who always rose to the defense of what was right and good.


 "Am I crazy, or am I the only one that heard [the legislature] say ‘we just took the United States immigration law and adapted it to our state," he said. "I don't think teams should get involved in the political stuff. And I think this one's still kind of coming out to balance as to how it's going to be favorably looked upon by our public. If I heard it right the American people are really for stronger immigration laws, if I'm not mistaken. Where we stand as basketball teams, we should let that kind of play out and let the political end of that go where it's going to go."

Take a lesson Barry, Mike and Ken. Leave sports out of this...to do otherwise is cowardly. It's no different than asking the big powerful school yard bully to beat up the funny looking weird kid from the short bus who chuckled when you fell off the monkey bars.

Just my opinion.

This just in from Two Time Zones Away sources deep within the Lady's Room of U.S. Senate Chambers. Harry Reid and Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig have reached an agreement in principle whereby a new stimulus package will be rammed through Congress that would provide 300 billion dollars in stimulus funds for Major League Baseball to expand into Mexico with new franchises awarded to Cancun, Puerto Vallarta, Cabo San Lucas and Ixtapa/Zihuatanejo as long as MLB moves the All-Star Game from Arizona in 2011. Part of the stimulus package includes money set aside for the construction of luxury beachfront accommodations for the exclusive use of Major League Players and the Professional Baseball Writers Association. While there are still some issues to iron out, the only major obstruction at this point is a White House condition that President Barack Obama be given a lifetime pass to throw out the 1st pitch for every season opener in Mexico. Commissioner Selig is balking at that idea saying "I don't mind a lefty, but give me someone who can reach home plate, will ya?"  Fellow Southpaw Nancy Pelosi was soon seen headed down to The House Gymnasium with Dennis Kucinich stumbling behind her in oversized catcher's gear.

27 April 2010


The Yankees were honored by Barry at the White House yesterday.
So many unanswered questions.

Was Mexican pitcher Alfredo Aceves granted full citizenship rights in the Oval Office after pledging allegiance to the Democratic Party?

Does Mariano Rivera's standing in for Joe Biden and giving a speech to the "English As A Second Language Society" count as a save?

Is it true that often criticized (for being gutless) Yankee pitcher Javy Vasquez peed his pants and blew cookies right before meeting POTUS?

Did Derek Jeter really sneak off to the White House Clinton Room with Nancy Pelosi?

How come only Joba Chamberlain had to take a breathalyzer from WH Security people before entering WH grounds? Isn't that profiling?

Why has there been no mention of Barbara Boxer's concurrent proclamation in front of a standing and tearful Senate Chambers declaring yesterday Hideki Matsui Day?

Did Yankees 3rd base coach Rob Thompson really promise to only wave runners home with his left arm in exchange for a custom stimulus package that would build 3 baseball fields for every soccer field in cities across America?

Was that Major League Umpire Joe West standing guard at the ceremony door to prevent any Republicans from crashing the event and stalling?

Any truth to the rumor that A-Rod was apprehended by Secret Service agents for walking across the free throw line on the White House basketball court?

Did Obama really ask Nick Swisher to become a spokesman for and lend his name to all National Gay Pride events going forward?

Inquiring minds want to know.

BULLETIN!!! This just in from Albany, NY. Minka Kelly has filed the necessary paperwork to make at run at Charles Schumer's NY Senate Seat.

04 April 2010


DUH....read the Bible once in awhile....7 is the perfect number.
That's why Mickey Mantle wore it, and it's opening day.

7/Jelly Beans- The BASIC ones, Red, Orange, Yellow, Green etc.
Someone save me from the nouveau chic Starbucks generation nonsense of a million and one flavors of this great Easter Season staple. I'm not interested in jelly beans that taste like chile mango, pina colada, toasted marshmallow, buttered popcorn, or any other vile, chemically enhanced concoction that makes me feel suave and cool on Easter morning.
My liver is equipped to handle chemical enhancements that are simple and basic.
(although, I wouldn't mind getting my taste buds locked onto a Budweiser flavored jelly bean)

6/Chocolate Bunnies- (as pictured above). While these are easily the most popular of Easter Basket denizens, there are too many perplexing issues inherent within the concept of an oversized chocolate rabbit that keep it from getting a higher ranking than 6th on this list. No child should have to deal with those issues so early in the morning at so early an age.
For example......what is the Martha Stewart protocol for consuming it? Ears first? feet first? ass first? Does one consume the entire rabbit like a bald eagle in one fell swoop and gorge? And give oneself a gut ache the rest of the day from chocolate overdose? Or does one risk leaving choice parts of the carcass around for scavengers to steal?
And let's face it folks...most chocolate bunnies are made out of  the cheapest and grainiest chocolate available to the greedy profit driven mass producers of this Basic Easter Season Human Right. They are rarely very tasty. (Note to Obamaphiles intent on getting their hands into everything. Americans have a right to European Style Chocolate Easter Bunnies!!)

5/Creamed Eggs on Toast- Breakfast of Champions on Easter Morning. (and the rest of the week). Ya gotta do something with those hard boiled eggs you spent the last 72 hours painting while inadvertently redesigning the color scheme of the veneer on your kitchen table. And no creamed eggs on toast is complete without some blue or red or green coloring dye seeping into your heated mixture from the messy and intricate eggshell peeling process.

4/Just like Christmas has styrofoam peanut shells and plastic bubble wrap, so too does Easter contribute to the indigestion of Mother Earth with mass quantities of non-biodegradeable confetti-like strings of yellow and green Easter Basket lining. What is that crap made out of? Plastic? Paper? Kryptonite? I've often wondered whether it's produced by Hoover, cuz I have had at least 3 motors burn out trying to vaccuum it once it has become entwined in a Kama Sutra orgy with the fibers of my vintage 60's shag carpet.
And how the hell does some of it inevitably wind up in my squash, rutabagas and mashed potatoes during dinner?

3/Chocolate Silver Dollar Hunts. I know what you're saying.."HUH? You mean Easter Egg Hunts". Nope..I'm talking Chocolate Silver Dollars. Those coin sized chocolate discs wrapped in thin tin foil that look like silver dollars (they used to be gold before the Federal Reserve nixed that policy).
Much more fun than eggs for kids and the mischievious adults who buy them. Kids think they are on a REAL treasure hunt, they are easier to carry, i.e jam into pants and shirt pockets...and OH WHAT A MESS THEY MAKE (especially in warmer climes). Watching a frothing 3-5 year old trying to pry the tin foil off of lukewarm chocolate discs with their still immature digital dexterity is like watching an unarmed man remove Dolly Parton's front lock bra. It gets sloppy. And there is no greater enjoyment in life than seeing the reaction from Moms when Little Martha or Duane returns to her looking like Al Jolson singing "Mammy" and wearing a map of Hershey Pennsylvania all over the new Easter outfit.

Yes, I know, I am evil incarnate, but who among us cannot laugh heartily at these simple and innocent snapshots of life.

2/Easter Beer Can Hunts. The adult version of Easter Egg Hunts. Yeah, yeah, what--EVVER!!..save your religious aghastnation (505speak), I've already earned enough rode hard miles to git me a prereserved window seat in the first class section on the nonstop to hell. This little confession won't even get me a complimentary admission to the Terminal Devil's Ambassador Club.
I had the pleasure of taking part in an Easter Beer Can Hunt many decades ago during my misspent Roaring 20's. In Kodiak, Alaska. All I will say is that there is no more appropriate place in the world to engage in this sacrilegious activity on one of the holiest days of the year than in a place that God forgot. While Christ may have arisen on Easter morning after a Bad Friday to ascend into heaven, so too did 907 (at the time), arise one Easter morning after a Holy Shit Saturday night to descend into Kodiak. Unlike Christ's loftier flight, I only ascended to about 20,000 feet on my Stairway To Heaven, but I sure did see a lot of the beauty of God's work on the flight down from Anchorage.

1/Peeps. My all-time favorite Easter treat. Those canary yellow, freakishly joined together at the wing hatchlings of the sugar overdose industry. A big wad of marshmallow coated in submolecular sugar crystals with some kind of secret Dupont manufactured superglue holding everything in formation.
And there is something eerie and subliminally fascinating about those tiny little black specks of eyes on the birds. Flavorless, no discernible separation in texture..What are they? Chocolate? Oil Stains? Rohrschach ink blots?
Yum.....Luv The Peeps. Especially 3-4 days later when they get a little stale and chewier.....Great stuff, and they work great at filling the nail and thumbtack holes in textured walls as well.

03 April 2010


An economics professor at the local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before but had once failed an entire class.

That class had insisted that socialism works and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.

The professor then said, "OK, we will have ...an experiment in this class on Progressive Socialism". All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A.

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B.

The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.

As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.

The second test average was a D! No one was happy.

When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.

The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.

02 April 2010


Pardon me in advance as I run a sentence longer than an Obama quick response to a Bret Baier question but:
As we await the Sunday Night season premier of ESPN's long running reality show "Real World-Yanks Beat Boston Again" and anticipate the warm fuzzy feeling generated by the thought of another seven months of Joe Morgan demonstrating why no one should be surprised that Nancy Pelosi is Speaker of the House when the Number One Color Broadcaster in Baseball can't pass a Dick and Jane logic primer, it's the time for all great baseball minds to make their upcoming season predictions .

I'm gonna diverge from that qualifier and make mine too. Gonna tell you all who the winners and losers will be, who the lock bets are, and where you can find the keys....Yep....it's all here.....Two Time Zones Away.

1/Jim Leyland will quit as manager of the Detroit Tigers and move to Costa Rica after the Obamacare Czars ban smoking within 50 miles of any federally owned automotive plant. Mike Illitch, Tigers owner and founder of Little Caesar's, names Van Jones the new Tiger Czar after the Department of Health and Human Services adds extra cheese and pepperoni to it's list of approved "health foods".

2/Recently divorced NYC relic Susan Sarandon officially changes her name to Annie Savoy and is seen around the city's night spots nuking it up with Yankees star Alex "Meat" Rodriguez. "Meat" goes on to hit .457, drive in 270 runs and blast 88 home runs before being promoted to Baseball's Hall of Fame in late September. As soon as Alex leaves for Cooperstown, Annie gets a call from Alex Pujols who is enduring the worst season of his career.

3/When the first 12 home games in Minnesota's new outdoor Target Field are cancelled because of shitty weather, mostly shitty weather, really shitty weather and even shittier weather, followed up by the next 6 home games cancelled by a plague and infestation of mosquitoes beyond biblical proportions, Minnesota Senator Al Franken scores 120 billion dollars in stimulus funds for hometown federal teatsucker 3M to recreate Kent Hrbek's Hefty Extra Strength Glad Bag Rain Slicker forecastedas a removable roof (just pull the red drawstrings) on Target Field.
Meanwhile, right on cue, Al Gore reminds everyone that he forecasted the shitty weather in Minnesota.

4/After demonstrating during last year's All-Star Game that Kenya will most likely never produce a Major League pitcher, Barack Obama sends Joe Biden to throw out the 1st pitch for the Washington Nationals. Biden is ejected within seconds of throwing the pitch after telling the home plate umpire to F--K OFF when the pitch was called a ball. Ozzie Guillen quits as White Sox Manager to accept a 12 million dollar a year baseball spokesperson position within Biden's personal stimulus empire.

5/Dodger's outfielder Manny Ramirez will ask to be traded by April 30th, declaring that the distractions of the very public and heated McCourt Divorce (owners of the team) were affecting his concentration on the game. "I yust wanna be Manny, and not be segond fiddle in the press", says Ramirez.

6/The World Famous Sausage Races at Miller Park in Milwaukee will be suspended for 2 weeks in July following the public disclosure of a steamy and non FDA approved off-grill affair between Cinco the Chorizo and Guido the Italian Sausage. "This jumbled mess of decaying carrion leaves behind a long string of non-weiners" said Sausage Spokesdog Brett Wurst, "I'd wager that their buns are tightly clenched right now. I hope these brats get peppered with what they deserve". Brewer officials have announced that the not quite as famous "Racing Pierogies" from Pittsburgh will replace the Sausages for the 2 weeks in July.

7/Four days into the new season, Bud Selig and Major League Baseball issues an apology to the Cleveland Indians and their fans for forgetting to schedule any home games for the Indians in April.
Asked to comment about the oversight, Commissioner Selig replies , "Well, I could say that we based the decision on a climatology report from London that said it was gonna snow in Cleveland 8 times in April....But I must be responsible and admit that, yes, we made a mistake, we forgot about them and we are truly sorry". Under a deluge of criticism, Selig followed up by saying "HEY...try to keep things in perspective here....Has everyone forgotten that the Jews lost 10 Tribes? And that Major League Baseball only lost ONE?".

8/And finally, (for now...I may add some more predictions after happy hour today), the one prediction that gives a clear demonstration that all is right and proper in the world and is ultimately the only prediction that really matters:


29 March 2010


10/January 1, 2010. Governor Tim Pawlenty of Minnesota issues an executive order mandating that Brett Favre will enter the NFL Hall of Fame as a Viking.

9/One day after his inauguration in 1993, under pressure from his wife, President Bill Clinton issues an executive order barring cigar toting interns from the Oval Office for the duration of his Presidency.

8/April 1, 1865. Abraham Lincoln issues an executive order closing down Ford's Theater effective April 15th.

7/June 6, 1972. Richard Nixon signs an executive order protecting the Plumbers Union from any type of litigation in Washington D.C.

6/November 27, 1963. Lyndon Johnson writes an executive order giving the Warren Commission full authority and power to get to the bottom of the Kennedy Assasination.

5/May 1, 2003. George W. Bush handwrites an executive order on the back of a Budweiser label that the War in Iraq akomplished.

4/December 7, 1941, 12:55PM EDT. Franklin Delano Roosevelt issues an executive order to the Pacific Military commanders that reads "Japs are nucking futz, prepare for attack".

3/March 30,1981. Secretary of State Alexander Haig, upon hearing that President Reagan was shot, immediately issues an executive order declaring "I am in charge".

2/January 11, 1994. While riding in the back of his 3MPG limousine to a Save The Oil For Someone Else Rally in California, VP Al Gore signs an executive order declaring the Information Superhighway created.

1/March 21, 2010. Barack Obama signs an executive order declaring that no federal funds will be used for abortions.


All generalizations are false, including this one.

Despite the best efforts of The One and his proletariat lackeys from the former Soviet Socialist Republic, Two Time Zones Away is still up and running and will continue to take up the cause of righteousness (mostly libertarianism).
In the words of Sir Winston Churchill "We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender...."

We didn't have many readers in Russia anyway.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

27 March 2010


(much more succinct than this Obamanation)

A PIPE DREAM nightmare collaboration of the greatest hits from Jonathan Swift and Joseph Heller on acid (Gullivers Travels + Catch-22); created by a bunch of pot smoking, mushroom chewing college sit-ins from the 60's who drifted from their VW Vans to working on the McGovern Campaign, to interning for a Congressman, to elected office and NEVER imagined, created or managed a business in their lives.

Just my opinion.

And if God is listening, forget the "Bless" America stuff, we need some Saving.

24 March 2010


Unless your name is JOHN EDWARDS or GARY HART, we all start out in life wanting to GROW UP to be President. Very few of us achieve that lofty goal.  Only 43 men (sorry ladies, but your day is coming) have ever done it, mostly due to the fact that along life's journey our focus on the Presidency is diverted by other factors such as money, necessity, family, or just other jobs that come along and grab our fancy.

My first diversion came about at the age of 4 or 5 when I became so fascinated by the garbage truck that ventured down our street 3X a week that I would dash outside in my footie PJ's and mesmerize myself watching the guys riding on the back of  it. (And then it was back inside to watch Spanky and Alfalfa chasing Darla on the Tube of Life, fantasizing the dream of being a Little Rascal).
I wanted to grow up and ride on the back of a garbage truck like the garbagemen did. I dreamed about jumping off the truck and beating the hell out of galvanized steel garbage cans, (with lids that only fit snuggly on top of the can for about a week after purchase), before jumping back on the rear of the truck like The Lone Ranger jumped on Silver, as it was rolling on to my neighbor's house.

Since then, I've always had an affinity for other semi-glamorous jobs; temporary occupations that captured  some odd fantasy, a peer driven status need to be fulfilled, or positions that simply satisfied some kind of "hey, that sounds like fun" desire. Odd jobs that included, but not limited to, a Newsday paperboy, a caddy at Bethpage State Park (my very 1st loop was The Black), a beanie topped/smock accessorized vendor at Madison Square Garden, or a messenger riding and learning the mass transit system of Midtown Manhattan.

So when my internet surfing came across a casting call for extras for the pilot of a TV show (The Odds) being filmed in the 505 last weekend, I said....what da hey! Who knows? Maybe I'll run into Darla. I followed the instructions and e-mailed a brief physical description and 3 head shots of myself.
(Plus this one....with a written challenge to the recipient of the e-mail to guess which picture wasn't me):

Lo and Behold, the next morning, I received a return e-mail telling me that I had been "selected" to be a "College Professor" for a day, with instructions on what to wear and to prepare for an 8-12 hour day on Sunday. At $9.50/hr plus overtime.....what the hell said I, I'm in.. if nothing else this would provide me with another unique snapshot of the American Experience.

And I wasn't disappointed.

I arrived promptly at 8am at the UNM Student Union, even received a phone call from the casting rep while I was about a mile away, to make sure that I was really coming. When I arrived I quickly discerned why I received the call. There were about 120 people in the assembly hall (the cafeteria) and 110 of them were college students, while the rest were women approaching my age. There were NO other men anywhere near my age. My first reaction was to question my sexuality at being the only male over the age of 21 in this throng.....but then I said to myself...."Self? there are lots of young women dressed in bikinis in here on this 29 degree morning, why the hell would you question your sexuality at this point in life?" 

After quickly righting my ship, I filled out all the required paperwork and sat at a table with some women that were close to my generation and began exchanging pleasantries. There was already some filming going on outside the cafeteria, filming that had begun at 6AM that this lone oldest male wasn't needed  for.
Fine by me....it's cold outside, the college kids who were standing around out there in required summer attire of shorts and t-shirts for numerous re-takes were turning all kinds of technicolor blue. I thought to myself that at $9.50/hr they better pray that Obamacare gets passed before noon this day.

So after visiting the stocked buffet table for some donuts and juice, I struck up a conversation with 2 women at my table. They were veterans of the "extra" industry that has blossomed in the 505 in recent years. One thing I will say about Governor Bill Richardson (the only GOOD thing) is that he has turned the 505 into a mini-Hollywood in recent years with all kinds of incentives for the film/TV industry to shoot here. Recent movies like Road Hogs and No Country For Old Men were done here, (True Grit is in production), and current cable series like In Plain Sight and Breaking Bad are shot here. There's plenty of work...and I got the impression from the two women I was speaking with, that for many people....being an "extra" is almost a full time profession. Indeed, after I informed them of my extra virginity, I was subjected to a veritable rolling screen of their own movie credits and actors they have met as each of them tried to one up the other with their film and TV accomplishments. "Lord Save Me", I quietly uttered on this Sabbath Day.

But the highlight of this brief conversation with Robin and Dawn was the disclosure that the real (reel?) highlights of this job for them was, get this, Dawn was there "for the food" (all meals and beverages are provided by the studios) and the food was much better for movie productions than TV shows, and Robin, who has a union card ya' know, and "was hoping to meet a single man with a full time job". After she showed me a picture of her 15 year old son with hair down below his ass, who had already called her 3X this morning complaining about being ill, ("Tell him to open a can of chicken soup" said I, "You mean VEGAN Soup" said Mom).....I quickly advised Robin that I was neither.

End of Part 1....Enjoy the interlude, go smoke a cigarette or buy some popcorn in the lobby.
Come back tomorrow for Part 2.



23 March 2010


Das Andere Deutschland's final issue (German Newspaper in 1933), announcing its own prohibition (Verbot) by the police authorities on the basis of the Reichstag Fire Decree.

When the final tally was announced on Sunday night, I fully expected Nancy Pelosi to send one of her whimpering cervically dysplagic lap dogs (Kucinich? Stupak?) running up to the White House with a copy of the Health Care Bill for Obama to immediately sign. Indeed, I was somewhat shocked when it was announced that Obama was going to wait until today, Tuesday March 23, 2010, before signing it.

Which got me to thinking........(as stated previously in other blog entries...always a dangerous concept).

Why would Obama wait two days to sign this historic and legacy making Health Care Bill?
Like my nanny would always state, (long before the combination of the words "nanny" and "state" took on radically different meanings),  "What if the world came to an end yesterday?"

How would The One get past St. Peter and gain admittance to the Progressive HOF (Heaven of Fame) where he could join his buddies FDR and LBJ? (LBJ is actually getting quite toasty right now, but that's the subject of another blog topic, I am including him in Heaven now strictly out of a poetic license that has not yet been taxed or regulated out of existence).

What's so special about March 23 that gave Obama reason to wait and sign the bill today? Possibly to honor someone or some event?

Good question? Correct?

So, I unleashed the investigative staff at Two Time Zones Away to do a little research.
Was it some significant historical figure's birthday? Nope, no big or applicable names there.
Perhaps Karl Marx was circumsized on March 23?  Possible but probably not, cuz Marx was born a Jew and didn't become a Gentile (no relation to Jim) until age 6.
Is March 23rd the earliest date that Ted Kennedy arose from a St. Patrick's Day bender? Nope. That date is March 28th or 29th, depending on whether you count the time zone he woke up in or the time zone he started drinking in.

So we checked the Significant Events Folder.


We have two options for Obama to reference in his Victory Speech Round Deux by way of historical connection.

First of all, it was on March 23, 1806, after 2 years of slogging through the Louisiana Territory, (not a whole lot longer than it took Obama to jam this Health Care Plan down our throats), famed explorers Lewis and Clark and their "Corps of Discovery", began their return trip home from Oregon with tales and riches of the Louisiana Purchase.

Which is certainly significant because now on the same March 23, 204 years later.... Mary Landrieu, the "Whore He Discovered" can begin her return trip back to Louisiana with a keelboat loaded with riches from the latest Purchase of the same name.

Secondly, we came across this little ironic similarity,

On this date in 1933, The German Reichstag (Congress) passed the Enabling Act of 1933, making Adolf Hitler dictator of Germany. This was after Hitler's Cronies had tried to burn down the same Reichstag a month previous, but like Rahm Emanuel professes and practices so well, ("A Crisis is A Terrible Thing To Waste"), Hitler seized the opportunity presented by the Reichstag Fire to centralize more power within the National Socialist Central Government, took control of various industries and eliminated numerous freedoms. Not the least of which included taking over or closing every newpaper in the country.

Which is certainly significant because now on this same March 23, 76 years later...Obama and Emanuel have just extinguished, indeed took full advantage of,  the firestorm that was scorching their administration after the election of Scott Brown. And they did it by trampling over the Constitution and breaching every possible Rule of Order and Procedure in Congress. And let's not overlook the powerful and Enabling Actions of Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid from our own Reichstag, that led to this powerful and impressive victory.
All the while a fawning media and press (save one major outlet) pretty much closed both eyes to this 21st Century power grab by the new forces of National Socialism. (Sorry progressives, but it's now official....Obama is a Socialist...The Reverend Al Sharpton anointed him Sunday....right here:
All of this, after nationalizing the automobile industry, the banking industry and now the Health Insurance Industry, indeed the entire Health Care industry.
And for the first time in American History....our National(ist?) Government is MANDATING, under penalty of a fine or jail, that we MUST purchase a consumer product.

All I can say is....brilliant acknowledgement of March 23 and it's significance in history Mr. Obama. I tip my hat to you for recognizing the appropriateness of signing the Health Care Act today.

But rather than leave everyone with a lousy taste in their mouths about the date of March 23rd. I'll leave you with another special event that happened on this date as well; and it's kinda different.
Because it was on this date in 1775, that Patrick Henry delivered his famous speech – "Give me Liberty, or give me Death!" – at St. John's Church in Richmond, Virginia.

Imagine that......secular words of wisdom delivered in a Church... how politically incorrect in 2010.
And can anyone imagine Jeremiah Wright saying something comparable?
Or would it be more like......."Give My State More Unfunded Federal Mandates!! Or Give Me More Community Organizers.....But Give me Something God Dammit!!"

22 March 2010


Mr. Vice President, Mr. Speaker, Members of the Senate, and of the House of Representatives:

Yesterday, March 21st, 1941 -- a date which will live in infamy -- the Constitution of The United States of America was rapaciously and deliberately ravaged by progressive and socialist forces of the Empire of Marxism.

The Constitution was under attack from that philosophy, but even with the election of Barack Obama, was still in conversation with its proponents and its emperor looking toward the maintenance of individual liberties and freedoms within this Country.

Indeed, five days before socialist candidates had been elected in the American 2008 election, the Presidential  candidate of the Progressive Party and his comrades delivered to our Nation's Youtube Network an informal Declaration of War on the 232 year old American Experiment:

While this declaration appeared to be a statement of hope and change, it contained no threat or hint of war or how audacious and encompassing the attack would be.

It will be recorded that the distance between Teddy Roosevelt's initial foray into Progressivism to Barack Obama's HealthCare Bill makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many decades or even a century ago. During the intervening time, numerous Republican and Democratic Progressive Administrations have deliberately sought to deceive the United States Citizenry by false statements and expressions of hope for continued freedom and independence from government oppression.

The attack yesterday on the Constitution has caused severe damage to American economic and personal freedoms. I regret to tell you that very many American lives have been already been destroyed by progressive initiatives. In addition, American freedoms have been reported threatened with the planned hiring of 3 battalions of up to 15,000 IRS storm troopers between Maine and Hawaii.

Yesterday, the Progressives also launched an attack supporting Amnesty for Immigration Laws.

Earlier this year, Progressive forces initiated an economically debilitating Cap and Trade program.

In 1973, the Progressives embarked on a policy of prenatalcide by successfully presenting the case that a woman has the right to choose when it comes to the health of her own body (resulting in 39 MILLION aborted children...i.e DEAD BABIES, through the year 2000), yet in what can only be considered as one of the top 2 hypocrisies of all time, they have just mandated to over 300 million Americans, that there is no choice when it comes to buying health insurance for you own bodies. Do it or go to jail.

Last year, the Progressives bailed out and conquered the automotive industry.

Last year, the Progressives bailed out and conquered the banking industry.

And in this past State of The Union Address, the Progressives began attacking The Supreme Court.

Progressivism has, therefore, undertaken a complete offensive extending throughout the American System. The facts of yesterday and today speak for themselves. The people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our nation.

As blogger in chief from two time zones away, I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense. But always will our whole nation remember the character of the onslaught against us.

No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the American people in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory.

I believe that I interpret the will of the Constitutionalists and of the people when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost, but will make it very certain that this form of treachery shall never again endanger us.

Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory, and our interests are in grave danger.

With confidence in our unarmed forces, with the unbounding determination of our people, we will gain the inevitable triumph -- so help us God.

I ask that the American People declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by Progressivism on Sunday, March 21st, 2010, a state of war has existed between the United States and the Marxist Progressives.

17 March 2010


9/Willie McCovey--San Francisco Giant first baseman from the 60's
8/Bob O'jeda-NY Mets reliever from the 80's.
7/Queenie O'Rourke- Makes the list because Queenie was the name of my 1st dog as a kid. The Luis Sojo of the 1908 Yankees. 
6/Shawn Green- What's more Irish on St. Patrick's Day than that name?
5/Buck O'Neill- Arguably the greatest baseball player ever who never played in the Major Leagues.
4/Wee Willie Keeler-No Irish Baseball lineup is complete without a leprechaun
3/Nolan Ryan-Earns a position based on the Double Shot of Irishness in his name. Not a bad pitcher either. 
2/Mickey Mantle- It's St. Patrick's Day, He is THE Greatest Mick of All Time.
1/This guy---The Finest Mahon I've ever known...and one helluva dad...

16 March 2010


Why a picture of Jim Valvano you ask?
Simple, we have too much in common. Which gives me the right to feign some expertise on the upcoming NCAA Playoffs. 
How so?
Jimmy V. was raised in Seaford, Long Island. I was raised 1 zip code away in North Massapequa, Long Island.
Jimmy V. learned his basketball in the schoolyards and parks of the South Shore of Long Island. I learned my basketball in those same schoolyards and parks.
Jimmy V. was a point guard at Rutgers University in 1967. I was a loudmouthed lout at Manhattan College in 1976 who was thrown out of the Rutgers gymnasium for questioning Rutgers All-American Phil Seller's lineage while my beloved Jaspers were trying to prematurely end Rutgers 31 game winning streak. (They failed).
Jimmy V's greatest claim to fame was winning the NCAA Tournament in Albuquerque in 1983. My greatest claim to fame was winning a Blackjack Tournament in Albuquerque in 2007.


1/There are 4 Mountain West Conference teams in the Dance. I contend that these 4 teams as an aggregate are as good as the top 4 teams from ANY other conference in America. At least 3 will advance out of the 1st round. And there is a decent chance that all 4 will advance.

2/New Mexico will have no problem with Montana. I have picked the Lobos (somewhat heartily, as in my heart, not my head) as a Final 4 squad. The only thing holding this team back is what I call "The Manana Syndrome" that plagues statewide athletics here. A universal syndrome (i.e. all levels of athletic competition-pro-college-high school- little league- amateur etc) that I have witnessed first hand, observed as a spectator, and battled as a participant. It is a unique psychology that GRIPS competitors of all sports in this state whereby participants go into important games with the attitude that it's okay to wait for the other team to lose the game. Known in other parts of the country as CHOKING. But for the 1st time since I arrived here in 1986, I think Lobo coach Steve Alford has this attitude under control.

2/BYU, as their religious beliefs demand, is on a Mission. They have been underseeded. They should have been a 5 or 6 seed. They have not won an NCAA game in 7 consecutive appearances. They fear losing more in Provo more than they fear Catholicism and Judaism. They will defeat Florida. They will advance to the Elite 8. I picked Pittsburgh to defeat them at that point, but I consider that game a tossup. BEWARE OF BYU in this tournament.

3/San Diego State could very well be the surprise and Cinderella team of the whole show. The most athletic and strongest board team in the MWC, they will go as far as their top 5 in the country freshman, Kawhi Leonard, takes them. He is a STUD. The Aztecs defeated the Number 8 ranked Lobos twice this year, but in reality, they beat the Lobos 3 times....except for some very gracious "home" calls at the end of the game in Albuquerque. The SDSU/Tennessee game may be the most fun game to watch in the entire 1st round of the tournament, as it will be played above the rim. SDSU goes to the Sweet 16...yes, I even picked them to defeat Georgetown. One cannot discount the savvy wisdom of former NCAA Champion Coach Steve Fischer at the helm in San Diego.

4/UNLV is my question mark in the 1st round. Not sure they have the offensive weapons to defeat Northern Iowa, but their high pressure front end defense will surely put the NIU guards to the test. (When is the last time anyone used the term "high pressure defense" to describe a UNLV team?). I picked UNLV as a 1st round win, but that's as far as they go with Kansas as their next opponent. 

Again...take these predictions to the bank..

But keep in mind...they're just my opinion....I could be wrong. And even Jimmy V. was perfect only once.


09 March 2010


For those of you old enough to remember......jump into Mr. Peabody's Wayback Machine and drift back to 1969. Imagine what would have happened if the headline I posted here appeared on the front page of the New York Times sometime in 1969. A headline reporting that Richard Nixon's Attorney General, John Mitchell had hired and placed 8 former KKK defense attorneys into the Civil Rights Division of the Justice Department.

Outrage? Revulsion? Rioting? Burning down the Cities?

And who could blame the people rightfully offended by an action that is so questionable, so conflicting, so arrogant, so lacking in common sense? It would have been a really dumb thing to do. History has shown us that Nixon and Mitchell were capable of doing some really dumb things........BUT NOTHING THAT DUMB!!  

Now climb back into Mr. Peabody's Wayback Machine and return to 2010.

And checkout this headline, AND IT'S A TRUE STORY!!


Makes me wonder about the job opportunities and income potential for plumbers in Washington these days.

Just my opinion.

This just in from the Revised History Files.
Robert Kennedy, JFK's Attorney General in 1961, has just named Tom Hagen, Bumpy Piscatorre, Anita Bellacrocia and 5 other consiglieres to the Justice Department's Organized Crime Unit.
Hey....it's open season for election paybacks, ya' know?

02 March 2010


The Progressives have done it again. In an effort to strike back at the Tea Party, their simple thought processes have come up with what appears, in their simple minds, a clever counter movement to the Tea Partiers, i.e. The Coffee Party Movement.  At first glance, one might think....very good. Tea? Coffee? Kinda the same, both are comfort beverages and sort of go hand in hand. Great concept by the Progressives, right?


Besides the one important question that needs to be asked about the Coffee Party Movement, what the hell took you so long to mobilize?, this brand new political product called The Coffee Party Movement warrants some further review.
Like......what fundamental branding mistake did the progressives make by selecting coffee as the alternative to tea, and creating a comparison of the two beverages, by representing their own movement in the form of coffee?

Well, I just happen to have the answers to that question, in my own snarky, twisted way. And it's not a pretty story for Progressives when SOME THOUGHT is given to "what the hell ARE they thinking" in selecting "coffee" as their brand of party movement?
But then again, why should anyone be surprised by the shallowness of Progressive thinking?

Tea? We all know what the historical significance of the Tea Party is. It's the first image that pops in your head, right?  Boston Harbor, Pre-Revolution, striking out at government oppression. All kinds of goose bumpy, patriotic feel good stuff. The kind of stuff that makes you want to pin a flag on your lapel.

Coffee? Hmmmm, can't think of anything off the top of your head that rivals the patriotic Tea Party image, can you? That's because there isn't anything good.
The history of Coffee and The United States is not spectacular. In fact, it's downright awful.
Do the words and phrases "Yanqui Imperialism, Banana Republics, United Fruit Company Massacre", and over 200 years of collaboration between the U.S. Government and Corporate monoliths in plundering, repressing and subjugating Caribbean, Central and South American countries in what became cozy private oligopolies conger up any images?
It's the kind of stuff that makes you want to go out and burn an American Flag.
Why, oh why, would the Progressives want their movement to be affiliated with THAT branding image?
Think about it.....in a subliminal kind of way.

Tea? Tea is certainly not an elixir by any means. But it does contain Vitamin B1 (Thiamin), Vitamin B2 (Riboflavin), Vitamin B6, Vitamin C (Ascorbic Acid), Vitamin K, Carotene (precursor of vitamin A), Folic Acid, minerals like Manganese, Potassium, Zinc, Fluorine, and Polyphenols (antioxidants) like flavonoids and catechins which help fight against cancer-causing radicals and heart disease.
Indeed, it is generally considered throughout the health industry that the moderate consumption of Tea is very beneficial to one's overall health.

Coffee? Are you kidding me? Let's start and end with VERY HIGH AMOUNTS OF CAFFEINE. The caffeine content in coffee is 50% more than tea. Coffee also has tannin. The combined effect of caffeine and tannin creates many neuro-genetic disorders. And, according to ayurveda (we research all ends of the earth at Two Time Zones Away), coffee drinking makes the semen very thin, which causes early ejaculation and involuntary night discharge. It decreases reproducing power of both sexes. Coffee drinking badly affects the skin, making it dark and rough (see noted morning after coffee fan Keith Richards).

But listing all the negative effects of even mininal consumption of coffee is like listening to the 20 second disclaimers at the end of 30 second Viagra commercials warning you why you shouldn't take it.
Coffee has been directly linked to gastritis, stomach ulcers, sleep disorder, anxiety, increased cholesterol levels, high blood pressure, still birth, iron deficiency, coronary artery disease and on and on and on. Makes one wonder why you shouldn't consult a physician before drinking coffee, and question why there isn't a Surgeon General's Warning on the side of every can of Sanka. (don't worry progressives. I'm sure you'll figure out a way to get that done some day soon).
So....why would Progressives want to be associated with something so potentially debilitating, yet temporarily invigorating, as coffee?
Think about it.....in a subliminal kind of way.

Tea? Is generally considered a soothing potion, in fact, Green Tea has been used as an anti-depressant. While tea contains small amounts of caffeine, many people drink tea shortly before going to bed each night due to it's comforting features.
And when was the last time you were overwhelmed by the smell of tea on someone's breath?

Coffee? An addicting stimulant. Provides the consumer with temporary euphoric qualities followed up by severe and dramatic demeanor crashes (see my treatise on the Explosive Growth of Starbucks and the Corresponding Increase of Road Rage in America since 1995). Ever wonder how Rachel Maddow maintains that smirky grin and glazed squinchy eyes for an hour every night? That's coffee in her cup. You should see her after the show.
And c'mon folks, what's as bad or worse than cigarette breath? COFFEE breath.
So....why would Progressives want to be associated with an addictive and debilitating option like coffee?
Think about it....in a subliminal kind of way.

Tea? A decent-tasting 100-count box of tea bags can be had for around $3, and each tea bag makes 1-2 cups of tea. Cost per cup: around 2 cents.

Coffee? A pound of decent coffee costs around $6, and makes 30-40 cups (according to most coffee connoisseurs). Cost per cup: 15 to 20 cents.  (And I won't even bring up the cost of a cup of coffee at Starbucks).
Once again, the Progressives opt for a branding that costs everyone a whole bunch more money.
Think about it....in a subliminal kind of way.

Be very very careful with this brand new product (actually an old failed product with fresh packaging) being presented by the Progressives with their Coffee Party Movement.
Sounds good, smells good, tastes good, and makes you feel good.....but only for a little while.

Me? I don't drink either beverage.
I fully endorse joining a "Scotch On The Rocks Party".
Cuz that's branding a movement.

In everything but a subliminal kind of way.

26 February 2010



In a scandal that is sure to rock the puerile Olympic Spirit and breathe life into Don Cherry, the Gold Medal winning Canadian Women's Hockey team threw a wild post-game celebration in the deserted Vancouver Center following their victory over the United States last night. Beer, Champagne and stogies abounded as the young women began training for scheduled tryouts in Flin Flon next month for the Canadian Olympic Drinking Team.
Reactions from the IOC and the Canadian Olympic Committee were immediate and furious.

"We're going to raise an eyebrow", said IOC Spokeswoman Kari Nayshun.
COC President Sarge Preston remarked "As long as our official sponsor Moulson was involved, and they got their men, we're okay."

Elsewhere within the Olympic Village, news of the party was met with tempered and somber responses.

NBC Hockey Analyst and former U.S. Olympic Hockey player Jeremy Roenicke texted the following  to 1998 Olympic Teammate Brett Hull.

U.S. Skier Lindsey Vonn, in the Olympic Spirit of Reconciliation, tried to drag bitter teammate Julia Mancuso over to the festivity. Mancuso reportedly told her to shove her broken pinkie up her slalom.

Two Korean short track racers tried to crash the party, but eliminated themselves as they made the final turn into the arena. Apollo Ohno was blamed for the crash, and scored 4 Canadian gold medals at the party.

Shaun White rolled the cigars, and donated autographed half-pipes.

Mike Milbury, angered at not being able to locate his other dress shoe and get to the party, called the women "CANAWHORES" and said that they were a disgrace to the honor of the game. To which a New York reporter responded..."What the hell would you know about honor? You never once got honor in your life".

The Canadian Men's Curling Team expressed dismay that four full-sized and fully stocked Coleman coolers were missing from their Winnebago Suncruisers and wondered whether they would be able to compete without them tomorrow.

It was another ugly painting for the Dutch Boys Speed Skating Team. To the dismay of the Canadian girls, Netherlands Coach Gerald Kemkers directed his entire team to the wrong arena and they missed out on a golden opportunity to try out their brand new skate keys.
("I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, you've got a brand new key"......remember?)

And the Swedish Women's Curling Team said they were missing 4 blonde skips, 2 busty front ends, 3 sacks of sliders, and the only hammer that wasn't nailed to the floor.

More to follow on this continuing story.......

THIS JUST IN!!!......18 year old Canadian Hockey Player Marie Philip-Poulin, centered within the controversy surrounding the Hockey Team Party because she was one month short of her 19th birthday and considered an "underage drinker", received her draft notice from the Canadian Government this morning and is expected to be serving in Afghanistan in less than 6 months.

25 February 2010


Mike Milbury, part-time NBC hockey color analyst for NHL and Olympic coverage, as well as a full-time analyst for the Boston Bruins on NESN, sent a mild tremor through the broadcasting and hockey world, when he characterized the Russian Olympic Team's poor showing against the Canadians last night as a "Euro-Trash game".

Mad Mike is getting a lot of heat this morning for those words, as well as his between period conversation with NBC teammate Jeremy Roenicke where he trash talked Alex Ovechkin during a comparison with Sidney Crosby, currently the NHL and Canada's poster child.
(Alex Ovechkin is hands down, by any mearsurable criteria, the best and most gifted player in the Game of Hockey right now....PERIOD-NO DISCUSSION ...just my opinion).

Milbury's latest comments, however, are indicative of his career in hockey...as a Player, as a Coach, as a General Manager and now as a color analyst.  (btw....those that can? DO, those that can't? ANALYZE...yes, I acknowledge that, with this blog, and in particular this entry, that I am equally guilty of that charge).

Mike Milbury has spent a lifetime in the game as a wannabe. Never very good at anything he tried, he has pretty much sucked in every aspect of the game of hockey.

As a less than average defensemen during his playing career, he was a wannabe Dit Clapper for the Boston Bruins. Dit's biography includes this salty reference "One of the more interesting moments in Clapper's career was the time he punched out a referee and future NHL president". Milbury never went after League Royalty, he went after lower life forms than his own, manifested by this single YouTube highlight video of his playing career:

As a coach for the Boston Bruins he was a wannabe Harry Sinden, a long-time legendary coach for the Bruins, who brought the City of Boston a cherished Stanley Cup. Milbury spent just two years coaching the Bruins, and even reached the Stanley Cup finals in his first year as a coach. Not bad (he inherited a GREAT TEAM) but his short career as the Bruins "coach" will always be remembered by what he did when he was named coach of Wales Conference for the 1991 All-Star Game ("named" only because his Bruins came in 1st place in the conference the previous season). Rather than including legitimate All-Stars like Guy Lafleur and Kirk Muller for what is a showcase NHL event of skilled players, he added a "goon" (Chris Nilan) and journeyman defensive player (Brian Skrudland) in order to "toughen up his team", for a game where "toughness" has never been a priority. Milbury also went on to coach the New York Islanders for 3+ years, a tenure highlighted by the Isles consistently earning a top draft pick as a result of having one of the worst records in the league.

But Milbury achieved a nadir of ineptness when he became the General Manager of my beloved New York Islanders (Disclaimer, yes...I am very biased in my opinions towards Mike Milbury because of this).
As a wannabe Bill Torrey (legendary Islander GM who crafted 4 consecutive Stanley Cup winners), Mike Milbury succeeded in single handedly destroying what was once a premier NHL Franchise.
While no statistics or records are kept in this category, it is widely believed that Mike Milbury holds the All-Time NHL record for General Managers who have traded AWAY future NHL All-Stars. A veritable DYNASTY of potential Stanley Cup winning players. Names that litter the current International Olympic landscape....including, but not limited to: Zdeno Chara, Wade Redden, Bryan Berard, Eric Brewer, Darius Kasparaitis, Bryan McCabe, Roberto Luongo, Tommy Salo, Olli Jokinen, Todd Bertuzzi, Tim Connolly, and Raffi Torres. Milbury has also come under fire for his draft day decisions such as choosing Rick DiPietro first overall in 2000 over Dany Heatley and Marian Gaborik; as well as his decision to include the 2001 second overall draft pick (Jason Spezza) as part of the trade for Alexei Yashin (long gone...biggest claim to fame? He married the stunning model Carol Alt while with the Isles). And there isn't an Islander fan in the world who still wonders why Milbury selected Robert Nillson (who?) in the 2003 entry draft when the son of an original fan favorite Islander and current U.S. Olympic star Zach Parise was available....who was IMMEDIATELY snatched up by the New Jersey Devils.

Now In 2010, Milbury is a wannabe Don Cherry, the volatile Canadian hockey analyst and truly colorful broadcaster, who at least has a better resume as a player and coach coming into the position. And who does a much better job at crass, nationalistic commentary about hockey than Milbury can ever hope to achieve.
But rather than fill this blog with my own cheap shots at Milbury in this category, I'll defer to a good friend and long-time Islander fan B.D. Gallof, who succinctly summarizes, with some of his usual outstanding photoshopped visual aids, Milbury's inabilities as a color analyst in this column for the Huffington Post:

Mike Milbury BLOWS....and he's a boring dresser.
Get rid of him NBC....(steal Don Cherry, please?) ......Boston deserves to have him all to themselves.

Just my opinion..