27 April 2010


The Yankees were honored by Barry at the White House yesterday.
So many unanswered questions.

Was Mexican pitcher Alfredo Aceves granted full citizenship rights in the Oval Office after pledging allegiance to the Democratic Party?

Does Mariano Rivera's standing in for Joe Biden and giving a speech to the "English As A Second Language Society" count as a save?

Is it true that often criticized (for being gutless) Yankee pitcher Javy Vasquez peed his pants and blew cookies right before meeting POTUS?

Did Derek Jeter really sneak off to the White House Clinton Room with Nancy Pelosi?

How come only Joba Chamberlain had to take a breathalyzer from WH Security people before entering WH grounds? Isn't that profiling?

Why has there been no mention of Barbara Boxer's concurrent proclamation in front of a standing and tearful Senate Chambers declaring yesterday Hideki Matsui Day?

Did Yankees 3rd base coach Rob Thompson really promise to only wave runners home with his left arm in exchange for a custom stimulus package that would build 3 baseball fields for every soccer field in cities across America?

Was that Major League Umpire Joe West standing guard at the ceremony door to prevent any Republicans from crashing the event and stalling?

Any truth to the rumor that A-Rod was apprehended by Secret Service agents for walking across the free throw line on the White House basketball court?

Did Obama really ask Nick Swisher to become a spokesman for and lend his name to all National Gay Pride events going forward?

Inquiring minds want to know.

BULLETIN!!! This just in from Albany, NY. Minka Kelly has filed the necessary paperwork to make at run at Charles Schumer's NY Senate Seat.

04 April 2010


DUH....read the Bible once in awhile....7 is the perfect number.
That's why Mickey Mantle wore it, and it's opening day.

7/Jelly Beans- The BASIC ones, Red, Orange, Yellow, Green etc.
Someone save me from the nouveau chic Starbucks generation nonsense of a million and one flavors of this great Easter Season staple. I'm not interested in jelly beans that taste like chile mango, pina colada, toasted marshmallow, buttered popcorn, or any other vile, chemically enhanced concoction that makes me feel suave and cool on Easter morning.
My liver is equipped to handle chemical enhancements that are simple and basic.
(although, I wouldn't mind getting my taste buds locked onto a Budweiser flavored jelly bean)

6/Chocolate Bunnies- (as pictured above). While these are easily the most popular of Easter Basket denizens, there are too many perplexing issues inherent within the concept of an oversized chocolate rabbit that keep it from getting a higher ranking than 6th on this list. No child should have to deal with those issues so early in the morning at so early an age.
For example......what is the Martha Stewart protocol for consuming it? Ears first? feet first? ass first? Does one consume the entire rabbit like a bald eagle in one fell swoop and gorge? And give oneself a gut ache the rest of the day from chocolate overdose? Or does one risk leaving choice parts of the carcass around for scavengers to steal?
And let's face it folks...most chocolate bunnies are made out of  the cheapest and grainiest chocolate available to the greedy profit driven mass producers of this Basic Easter Season Human Right. They are rarely very tasty. (Note to Obamaphiles intent on getting their hands into everything. Americans have a right to European Style Chocolate Easter Bunnies!!)

5/Creamed Eggs on Toast- Breakfast of Champions on Easter Morning. (and the rest of the week). Ya gotta do something with those hard boiled eggs you spent the last 72 hours painting while inadvertently redesigning the color scheme of the veneer on your kitchen table. And no creamed eggs on toast is complete without some blue or red or green coloring dye seeping into your heated mixture from the messy and intricate eggshell peeling process.

4/Just like Christmas has styrofoam peanut shells and plastic bubble wrap, so too does Easter contribute to the indigestion of Mother Earth with mass quantities of non-biodegradeable confetti-like strings of yellow and green Easter Basket lining. What is that crap made out of? Plastic? Paper? Kryptonite? I've often wondered whether it's produced by Hoover, cuz I have had at least 3 motors burn out trying to vaccuum it once it has become entwined in a Kama Sutra orgy with the fibers of my vintage 60's shag carpet.
And how the hell does some of it inevitably wind up in my squash, rutabagas and mashed potatoes during dinner?

3/Chocolate Silver Dollar Hunts. I know what you're saying.."HUH? You mean Easter Egg Hunts". Nope..I'm talking Chocolate Silver Dollars. Those coin sized chocolate discs wrapped in thin tin foil that look like silver dollars (they used to be gold before the Federal Reserve nixed that policy).
Much more fun than eggs for kids and the mischievious adults who buy them. Kids think they are on a REAL treasure hunt, they are easier to carry, i.e jam into pants and shirt pockets...and OH WHAT A MESS THEY MAKE (especially in warmer climes). Watching a frothing 3-5 year old trying to pry the tin foil off of lukewarm chocolate discs with their still immature digital dexterity is like watching an unarmed man remove Dolly Parton's front lock bra. It gets sloppy. And there is no greater enjoyment in life than seeing the reaction from Moms when Little Martha or Duane returns to her looking like Al Jolson singing "Mammy" and wearing a map of Hershey Pennsylvania all over the new Easter outfit.

Yes, I know, I am evil incarnate, but who among us cannot laugh heartily at these simple and innocent snapshots of life.

2/Easter Beer Can Hunts. The adult version of Easter Egg Hunts. Yeah, yeah, what--EVVER!!..save your religious aghastnation (505speak), I've already earned enough rode hard miles to git me a prereserved window seat in the first class section on the nonstop to hell. This little confession won't even get me a complimentary admission to the Terminal Devil's Ambassador Club.
I had the pleasure of taking part in an Easter Beer Can Hunt many decades ago during my misspent Roaring 20's. In Kodiak, Alaska. All I will say is that there is no more appropriate place in the world to engage in this sacrilegious activity on one of the holiest days of the year than in a place that God forgot. While Christ may have arisen on Easter morning after a Bad Friday to ascend into heaven, so too did 907 (at the time), arise one Easter morning after a Holy Shit Saturday night to descend into Kodiak. Unlike Christ's loftier flight, I only ascended to about 20,000 feet on my Stairway To Heaven, but I sure did see a lot of the beauty of God's work on the flight down from Anchorage.

1/Peeps. My all-time favorite Easter treat. Those canary yellow, freakishly joined together at the wing hatchlings of the sugar overdose industry. A big wad of marshmallow coated in submolecular sugar crystals with some kind of secret Dupont manufactured superglue holding everything in formation.
And there is something eerie and subliminally fascinating about those tiny little black specks of eyes on the birds. Flavorless, no discernible separation in texture..What are they? Chocolate? Oil Stains? Rohrschach ink blots?
Yum.....Luv The Peeps. Especially 3-4 days later when they get a little stale and chewier.....Great stuff, and they work great at filling the nail and thumbtack holes in textured walls as well.

03 April 2010


An economics professor at the local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before but had once failed an entire class.

That class had insisted that socialism works and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.

The professor then said, "OK, we will have ...an experiment in this class on Progressive Socialism". All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A.

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B.

The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.

As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.

The second test average was a D! No one was happy.

When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.

The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.

02 April 2010


Pardon me in advance as I run a sentence longer than an Obama quick response to a Bret Baier question but:
As we await the Sunday Night season premier of ESPN's long running reality show "Real World-Yanks Beat Boston Again" and anticipate the warm fuzzy feeling generated by the thought of another seven months of Joe Morgan demonstrating why no one should be surprised that Nancy Pelosi is Speaker of the House when the Number One Color Broadcaster in Baseball can't pass a Dick and Jane logic primer, it's the time for all great baseball minds to make their upcoming season predictions .

I'm gonna diverge from that qualifier and make mine too. Gonna tell you all who the winners and losers will be, who the lock bets are, and where you can find the keys....Yep....it's all here.....Two Time Zones Away.

1/Jim Leyland will quit as manager of the Detroit Tigers and move to Costa Rica after the Obamacare Czars ban smoking within 50 miles of any federally owned automotive plant. Mike Illitch, Tigers owner and founder of Little Caesar's, names Van Jones the new Tiger Czar after the Department of Health and Human Services adds extra cheese and pepperoni to it's list of approved "health foods".

2/Recently divorced NYC relic Susan Sarandon officially changes her name to Annie Savoy and is seen around the city's night spots nuking it up with Yankees star Alex "Meat" Rodriguez. "Meat" goes on to hit .457, drive in 270 runs and blast 88 home runs before being promoted to Baseball's Hall of Fame in late September. As soon as Alex leaves for Cooperstown, Annie gets a call from Alex Pujols who is enduring the worst season of his career.

3/When the first 12 home games in Minnesota's new outdoor Target Field are cancelled because of shitty weather, mostly shitty weather, really shitty weather and even shittier weather, followed up by the next 6 home games cancelled by a plague and infestation of mosquitoes beyond biblical proportions, Minnesota Senator Al Franken scores 120 billion dollars in stimulus funds for hometown federal teatsucker 3M to recreate Kent Hrbek's Hefty Extra Strength Glad Bag Rain Slicker forecastedas a removable roof (just pull the red drawstrings) on Target Field.
Meanwhile, right on cue, Al Gore reminds everyone that he forecasted the shitty weather in Minnesota.

4/After demonstrating during last year's All-Star Game that Kenya will most likely never produce a Major League pitcher, Barack Obama sends Joe Biden to throw out the 1st pitch for the Washington Nationals. Biden is ejected within seconds of throwing the pitch after telling the home plate umpire to F--K OFF when the pitch was called a ball. Ozzie Guillen quits as White Sox Manager to accept a 12 million dollar a year baseball spokesperson position within Biden's personal stimulus empire.

5/Dodger's outfielder Manny Ramirez will ask to be traded by April 30th, declaring that the distractions of the very public and heated McCourt Divorce (owners of the team) were affecting his concentration on the game. "I yust wanna be Manny, and not be segond fiddle in the press", says Ramirez.

6/The World Famous Sausage Races at Miller Park in Milwaukee will be suspended for 2 weeks in July following the public disclosure of a steamy and non FDA approved off-grill affair between Cinco the Chorizo and Guido the Italian Sausage. "This jumbled mess of decaying carrion leaves behind a long string of non-weiners" said Sausage Spokesdog Brett Wurst, "I'd wager that their buns are tightly clenched right now. I hope these brats get peppered with what they deserve". Brewer officials have announced that the not quite as famous "Racing Pierogies" from Pittsburgh will replace the Sausages for the 2 weeks in July.

7/Four days into the new season, Bud Selig and Major League Baseball issues an apology to the Cleveland Indians and their fans for forgetting to schedule any home games for the Indians in April.
Asked to comment about the oversight, Commissioner Selig replies , "Well, I could say that we based the decision on a climatology report from London that said it was gonna snow in Cleveland 8 times in April....But I must be responsible and admit that, yes, we made a mistake, we forgot about them and we are truly sorry". Under a deluge of criticism, Selig followed up by saying "HEY...try to keep things in perspective here....Has everyone forgotten that the Jews lost 10 Tribes? And that Major League Baseball only lost ONE?".

8/And finally, (for now...I may add some more predictions after happy hour today), the one prediction that gives a clear demonstration that all is right and proper in the world and is ultimately the only prediction that really matters: