02 March 2010


The Progressives have done it again. In an effort to strike back at the Tea Party, their simple thought processes have come up with what appears, in their simple minds, a clever counter movement to the Tea Partiers, i.e. The Coffee Party Movement.  At first glance, one might think....very good. Tea? Coffee? Kinda the same, both are comfort beverages and sort of go hand in hand. Great concept by the Progressives, right?


Besides the one important question that needs to be asked about the Coffee Party Movement, what the hell took you so long to mobilize?, this brand new political product called The Coffee Party Movement warrants some further review.
Like......what fundamental branding mistake did the progressives make by selecting coffee as the alternative to tea, and creating a comparison of the two beverages, by representing their own movement in the form of coffee?

Well, I just happen to have the answers to that question, in my own snarky, twisted way. And it's not a pretty story for Progressives when SOME THOUGHT is given to "what the hell ARE they thinking" in selecting "coffee" as their brand of party movement?
But then again, why should anyone be surprised by the shallowness of Progressive thinking?

Tea? We all know what the historical significance of the Tea Party is. It's the first image that pops in your head, right?  Boston Harbor, Pre-Revolution, striking out at government oppression. All kinds of goose bumpy, patriotic feel good stuff. The kind of stuff that makes you want to pin a flag on your lapel.

Coffee? Hmmmm, can't think of anything off the top of your head that rivals the patriotic Tea Party image, can you? That's because there isn't anything good.
The history of Coffee and The United States is not spectacular. In fact, it's downright awful.
Do the words and phrases "Yanqui Imperialism, Banana Republics, United Fruit Company Massacre", and over 200 years of collaboration between the U.S. Government and Corporate monoliths in plundering, repressing and subjugating Caribbean, Central and South American countries in what became cozy private oligopolies conger up any images?
It's the kind of stuff that makes you want to go out and burn an American Flag.
Why, oh why, would the Progressives want their movement to be affiliated with THAT branding image?
Think about it.....in a subliminal kind of way.

Tea? Tea is certainly not an elixir by any means. But it does contain Vitamin B1 (Thiamin), Vitamin B2 (Riboflavin), Vitamin B6, Vitamin C (Ascorbic Acid), Vitamin K, Carotene (precursor of vitamin A), Folic Acid, minerals like Manganese, Potassium, Zinc, Fluorine, and Polyphenols (antioxidants) like flavonoids and catechins which help fight against cancer-causing radicals and heart disease.
Indeed, it is generally considered throughout the health industry that the moderate consumption of Tea is very beneficial to one's overall health.

Coffee? Are you kidding me? Let's start and end with VERY HIGH AMOUNTS OF CAFFEINE. The caffeine content in coffee is 50% more than tea. Coffee also has tannin. The combined effect of caffeine and tannin creates many neuro-genetic disorders. And, according to ayurveda (we research all ends of the earth at Two Time Zones Away), coffee drinking makes the semen very thin, which causes early ejaculation and involuntary night discharge. It decreases reproducing power of both sexes. Coffee drinking badly affects the skin, making it dark and rough (see noted morning after coffee fan Keith Richards).

But listing all the negative effects of even mininal consumption of coffee is like listening to the 20 second disclaimers at the end of 30 second Viagra commercials warning you why you shouldn't take it.
Coffee has been directly linked to gastritis, stomach ulcers, sleep disorder, anxiety, increased cholesterol levels, high blood pressure, still birth, iron deficiency, coronary artery disease and on and on and on. Makes one wonder why you shouldn't consult a physician before drinking coffee, and question why there isn't a Surgeon General's Warning on the side of every can of Sanka. (don't worry progressives. I'm sure you'll figure out a way to get that done some day soon).
So....why would Progressives want to be associated with something so potentially debilitating, yet temporarily invigorating, as coffee?
Think about it.....in a subliminal kind of way.

Tea? Is generally considered a soothing potion, in fact, Green Tea has been used as an anti-depressant. While tea contains small amounts of caffeine, many people drink tea shortly before going to bed each night due to it's comforting features.
And when was the last time you were overwhelmed by the smell of tea on someone's breath?

Coffee? An addicting stimulant. Provides the consumer with temporary euphoric qualities followed up by severe and dramatic demeanor crashes (see my treatise on the Explosive Growth of Starbucks and the Corresponding Increase of Road Rage in America since 1995). Ever wonder how Rachel Maddow maintains that smirky grin and glazed squinchy eyes for an hour every night? That's coffee in her cup. You should see her after the show.
And c'mon folks, what's as bad or worse than cigarette breath? COFFEE breath.
So....why would Progressives want to be associated with an addictive and debilitating option like coffee?
Think about it....in a subliminal kind of way.

Tea? A decent-tasting 100-count box of tea bags can be had for around $3, and each tea bag makes 1-2 cups of tea. Cost per cup: around 2 cents.

Coffee? A pound of decent coffee costs around $6, and makes 30-40 cups (according to most coffee connoisseurs). Cost per cup: 15 to 20 cents.  (And I won't even bring up the cost of a cup of coffee at Starbucks).
Once again, the Progressives opt for a branding that costs everyone a whole bunch more money.
Think about it....in a subliminal kind of way.

Be very very careful with this brand new product (actually an old failed product with fresh packaging) being presented by the Progressives with their Coffee Party Movement.
Sounds good, smells good, tastes good, and makes you feel good.....but only for a little while.

Me? I don't drink either beverage.
I fully endorse joining a "Scotch On The Rocks Party".
Cuz that's branding a movement.

In everything but a subliminal kind of way.


  1. Can't stand tea. Was off coffee for many years, opting for caffeine delivered via carbonated beverage. Got fat. Back to coffee. Didn't spend much time considering all this subliminality. Glad to have signed up for the Coffee Party, a group advocating reasonable dialog.

  2. No one is advocating an end to reasonable dialog.
    I'm just trying to present an (un?)reasonable portrayal of how progressives don't think before they act.

  3. Here's how the National Coffee Association spins it:

    In the mid-1600's, coffee was brought to New Amsterdam, a location later called New York by the British.

    Though coffee houses rapidly began to appear, tea continued to be the favored drink in the New World until 1773 when the colonists revolted against a heavy tax on tea imposed by King George. The revolt, known as the Boston Tea Party, would forever change the American drinking preference to coffee.

  4. So...in effect A.J., are you saying that the Coffee Party owes it's raison d'etre to the Tea Party?
    That WITHOUT the Tea Party....they would be NOTHING?

    I just can't get enough of the smell of Progressive spins in the morning.

  5. leave tea to the brits the chinese the fags and ladies///real men drink coffee and lots of it///as for its damage to the body---ill pit my body and mind up against any 62 year old tea drinker you can find