04 April 2010


DUH....read the Bible once in awhile....7 is the perfect number.
That's why Mickey Mantle wore it, and it's opening day.

7/Jelly Beans- The BASIC ones, Red, Orange, Yellow, Green etc.
Someone save me from the nouveau chic Starbucks generation nonsense of a million and one flavors of this great Easter Season staple. I'm not interested in jelly beans that taste like chile mango, pina colada, toasted marshmallow, buttered popcorn, or any other vile, chemically enhanced concoction that makes me feel suave and cool on Easter morning.
My liver is equipped to handle chemical enhancements that are simple and basic.
(although, I wouldn't mind getting my taste buds locked onto a Budweiser flavored jelly bean)

6/Chocolate Bunnies- (as pictured above). While these are easily the most popular of Easter Basket denizens, there are too many perplexing issues inherent within the concept of an oversized chocolate rabbit that keep it from getting a higher ranking than 6th on this list. No child should have to deal with those issues so early in the morning at so early an age.
For example......what is the Martha Stewart protocol for consuming it? Ears first? feet first? ass first? Does one consume the entire rabbit like a bald eagle in one fell swoop and gorge? And give oneself a gut ache the rest of the day from chocolate overdose? Or does one risk leaving choice parts of the carcass around for scavengers to steal?
And let's face it folks...most chocolate bunnies are made out of  the cheapest and grainiest chocolate available to the greedy profit driven mass producers of this Basic Easter Season Human Right. They are rarely very tasty. (Note to Obamaphiles intent on getting their hands into everything. Americans have a right to European Style Chocolate Easter Bunnies!!)

5/Creamed Eggs on Toast- Breakfast of Champions on Easter Morning. (and the rest of the week). Ya gotta do something with those hard boiled eggs you spent the last 72 hours painting while inadvertently redesigning the color scheme of the veneer on your kitchen table. And no creamed eggs on toast is complete without some blue or red or green coloring dye seeping into your heated mixture from the messy and intricate eggshell peeling process.

4/Just like Christmas has styrofoam peanut shells and plastic bubble wrap, so too does Easter contribute to the indigestion of Mother Earth with mass quantities of non-biodegradeable confetti-like strings of yellow and green Easter Basket lining. What is that crap made out of? Plastic? Paper? Kryptonite? I've often wondered whether it's produced by Hoover, cuz I have had at least 3 motors burn out trying to vaccuum it once it has become entwined in a Kama Sutra orgy with the fibers of my vintage 60's shag carpet.
And how the hell does some of it inevitably wind up in my squash, rutabagas and mashed potatoes during dinner?

3/Chocolate Silver Dollar Hunts. I know what you're saying.."HUH? You mean Easter Egg Hunts". Nope..I'm talking Chocolate Silver Dollars. Those coin sized chocolate discs wrapped in thin tin foil that look like silver dollars (they used to be gold before the Federal Reserve nixed that policy).
Much more fun than eggs for kids and the mischievious adults who buy them. Kids think they are on a REAL treasure hunt, they are easier to carry, i.e jam into pants and shirt pockets...and OH WHAT A MESS THEY MAKE (especially in warmer climes). Watching a frothing 3-5 year old trying to pry the tin foil off of lukewarm chocolate discs with their still immature digital dexterity is like watching an unarmed man remove Dolly Parton's front lock bra. It gets sloppy. And there is no greater enjoyment in life than seeing the reaction from Moms when Little Martha or Duane returns to her looking like Al Jolson singing "Mammy" and wearing a map of Hershey Pennsylvania all over the new Easter outfit.

Yes, I know, I am evil incarnate, but who among us cannot laugh heartily at these simple and innocent snapshots of life.

2/Easter Beer Can Hunts. The adult version of Easter Egg Hunts. Yeah, yeah, what--EVVER!!..save your religious aghastnation (505speak), I've already earned enough rode hard miles to git me a prereserved window seat in the first class section on the nonstop to hell. This little confession won't even get me a complimentary admission to the Terminal Devil's Ambassador Club.
I had the pleasure of taking part in an Easter Beer Can Hunt many decades ago during my misspent Roaring 20's. In Kodiak, Alaska. All I will say is that there is no more appropriate place in the world to engage in this sacrilegious activity on one of the holiest days of the year than in a place that God forgot. While Christ may have arisen on Easter morning after a Bad Friday to ascend into heaven, so too did 907 (at the time), arise one Easter morning after a Holy Shit Saturday night to descend into Kodiak. Unlike Christ's loftier flight, I only ascended to about 20,000 feet on my Stairway To Heaven, but I sure did see a lot of the beauty of God's work on the flight down from Anchorage.

1/Peeps. My all-time favorite Easter treat. Those canary yellow, freakishly joined together at the wing hatchlings of the sugar overdose industry. A big wad of marshmallow coated in submolecular sugar crystals with some kind of secret Dupont manufactured superglue holding everything in formation.
And there is something eerie and subliminally fascinating about those tiny little black specks of eyes on the birds. Flavorless, no discernible separation in texture..What are they? Chocolate? Oil Stains? Rohrschach ink blots?
Yum.....Luv The Peeps. Especially 3-4 days later when they get a little stale and chewier.....Great stuff, and they work great at filling the nail and thumbtack holes in textured walls as well.


  1. a trendy restaraunt in phoenix is under fire for serving rabbit on easter--close em down i say///well what do you know 505 finally getting on the environmental bandwagon///too bad he cant get off the anti obama wagon for even one blog///nothing speial about the number 7 other than its status as a prime///lucky for the mick who probably had probably done at least 7 more cocktail waitresses than tiger folks in those days liked their sports heroes to be a little saucy

  2. "well what do you know 505 finally getting on the environmental bandwagon"

    Get back on your meds, buckeye.

    "a trendy restaraunt in phoenix is under fire for serving rabbit on easter--close em down i say"

    I agree...unless they served the rabbit in some kind of chocolate sauce.
    Are they closing down breakfast places that served peep omelettes all morning?
    Peep embryos over easy?