Pardon me in advance as I run a sentence longer than an Obama quick response to a Bret Baier question but:
As we await the Sunday Night season premier of ESPN's long running reality show "Real World-Yanks Beat Boston Again" and anticipate the warm fuzzy feeling generated by the thought of another seven months of Joe Morgan demonstrating why no one should be surprised that Nancy Pelosi is Speaker of the House when the Number One Color Broadcaster in Baseball can't pass a Dick and Jane logic primer, it's the time for all great baseball minds to make their upcoming season predictions .
I'm gonna diverge from that qualifier and make mine too. Gonna tell you all who the winners and losers will be, who the lock bets are, and where you can find the keys....Yep....it's all here.....Two Time Zones Away.
1/Jim Leyland will quit as manager of the Detroit Tigers and move to Costa Rica after the Obamacare Czars ban smoking within 50 miles of any federally owned automotive plant. Mike Illitch, Tigers owner and founder of Little Caesar's, names Van Jones the new Tiger Czar after the Department of Health and Human Services adds extra cheese and pepperoni to it's list of approved "health foods".
2/Recently divorced NYC relic Susan Sarandon officially changes her name to Annie Savoy and is seen around the city's night spots nuking it up with Yankees star Alex "Meat" Rodriguez. "Meat" goes on to hit .457, drive in 270 runs and blast 88 home runs before being promoted to Baseball's Hall of Fame in late September. As soon as Alex leaves for Cooperstown, Annie gets a call from Alex Pujols who is enduring the worst season of his career.
3/When the first 12 home games in Minnesota's new outdoor Target Field are cancelled because of shitty weather, mostly shitty weather, really shitty weather and even shittier weather, followed up by the next 6 home games cancelled by a plague and infestation of mosquitoes beyond biblical proportions, Minnesota Senator Al Franken scores 120 billion dollars in stimulus funds for hometown federal teatsucker 3M to recreate Kent Hrbek's Hefty Extra Strength Glad Bag Rain Slicker forecastedas a removable roof (just pull the red drawstrings) on Target Field.
Meanwhile, right on cue, Al Gore reminds everyone that he forecasted the shitty weather in Minnesota.
4/After demonstrating during last year's All-Star Game that Kenya will most likely never produce a Major League pitcher, Barack Obama sends Joe Biden to throw out the 1st pitch for the Washington Nationals. Biden is ejected within seconds of throwing the pitch after telling the home plate umpire to F--K OFF when the pitch was called a ball. Ozzie Guillen quits as White Sox Manager to accept a 12 million dollar a year baseball spokesperson position within Biden's personal stimulus empire.
5/Dodger's outfielder Manny Ramirez will ask to be traded by April 30th, declaring that the distractions of the very public and heated McCourt Divorce (owners of the team) were affecting his concentration on the game. "I yust wanna be Manny, and not be segond fiddle in the press", says Ramirez.
6/The World Famous Sausage Races at Miller Park in Milwaukee will be suspended for 2 weeks in July following the public disclosure of a steamy and non FDA approved off-grill affair between Cinco the Chorizo and Guido the Italian Sausage. "This jumbled mess of decaying carrion leaves behind a long string of non-weiners" said Sausage Spokesdog Brett Wurst, "I'd wager that their buns are tightly clenched right now. I hope these brats get peppered with what they deserve". Brewer officials have announced that the not quite as famous "Racing Pierogies" from Pittsburgh will replace the Sausages for the 2 weeks in July.
7/Four days into the new season, Bud Selig and Major League Baseball issues an apology to the Cleveland Indians and their fans for forgetting to schedule any home games for the Indians in April.
Asked to comment about the oversight, Commissioner Selig replies , "Well, I could say that we based the decision on a climatology report from London that said it was gonna snow in Cleveland 8 times in April....But I must be responsible and admit that, yes, we made a mistake, we forgot about them and we are truly sorry". Under a deluge of criticism, Selig followed up by saying "HEY...try to keep things in perspective here....Has everyone forgotten that the Jews lost 10 Tribes? And that Major League Baseball only lost ONE?".
8/And finally, (for now...I may add some more predictions after happy hour today), the one prediction that gives a clear demonstration that all is right and proper in the world and is ultimately the only prediction that really matters: