24 February 2010
NORTHEAST WEATHER ADVISORY!!!
As the Northeast Corridor braces for another winter storm expected to dump up to 2 feet of snow in some areas, the recently revitalized Al Gore Rhythm Center for Pork Barrel Stimulus Funding and Creative Climatology Calculations ("AGRCFPBSFACCC" in Federal Government Alphaspeak parlance) issued the following Press Release:
"Thanks to the 12 new employees we recently hired from 37 non-existent zip codes and counties in rural Tennessee", said PR Director Ned Brainard, "the Al Gore Rhythm Center is pleased to announce a strategy for combatting, indeed CHANGING, this recent spate of severe winter weather afflicting the Northeast part of the country".
"According to the latest double parabolic knee-jerk matrixes generated by our refurbished (new power chord) nouveau chic Johnny Decoder ring, the 470 Retired SAG Members serving on our Board of Directors have approved a foolproof procedure for turning tomorrow's snow into nothing but rain for all areas that are expected to be impacted".
"We are recommending", continued Dr. Brainard, "that everyone, all gazillion million people, leave their car engines running overnight for 12 hours in advance of the storm".
"Based on the latest calculations from our Johnny Decoder Ring, we expect that the resulting C02 emissions will create a 'mini-global warming' effect that will increase the air temperature over the affected weather areas by 10-12 degrees fahrenheit, indeed, to a level that will result in rain instead of snow".
"We are calling this discovery, our 'Central Heating Apothecary'", said Dr. Brainard.
In related news from Wall Street, oil company and hallucinogenic drug company stocks rose by 20% within minutes of Dr. Brainard's statement, and a convoy of SUV's and Humvee's with Tennessee license plates was seen leaving the drive through pay windows of Morgan Stanley Dean Witter offices in Lower Manhattan an hour later.