OH (MY!!) CANADA

CANADIAN WOMEN SHOCK OLYMPICS !!!

IOC PRESIDENT ROGGE'S LIQUOR CABINET VANDALIZED!!

ZAMBONI MISSING, FEARED ICED!!

In a scandal that is sure to rock the puerile Olympic Spirit and breathe life into Don Cherry, the Gold Medal winning Canadian Women's Hockey team threw a wild post-game celebration in the deserted Vancouver Center following their victory over the United States last night. Beer, Champagne and stogies abounded as the young women began training for scheduled tryouts in Flin Flon next month for the Canadian Olympic Drinking Team.
Reactions from the IOC and the Canadian Olympic Committee were immediate and furious.

"We're going to raise an eyebrow", said IOC Spokeswoman Kari Nayshun.
COC President Sarge Preston remarked "As long as our official sponsor Moulson was involved, and they got their men, we're okay."

Elsewhere within the Olympic Village, news of the party was met with tempered and somber responses.

NBC Hockey Analyst and former U.S. Olympic Hockey player Jeremy Roenicke texted the following  to 1998 Olympic Teammate Brett Hull.
"GT UR ASS UP HERE, ITS NAGANO ALL OVR AGIN!!"

U.S. Skier Lindsey Vonn, in the Olympic Spirit of Reconciliation, tried to drag bitter teammate Julia Mancuso over to the festivity. Mancuso reportedly told her to shove her broken pinkie up her slalom.

Two Korean short track racers tried to crash the party, but eliminated themselves as they made the final turn into the arena. Apollo Ohno was blamed for the crash, and scored 4 Canadian gold medals at the party.

Shaun White rolled the cigars, and donated autographed half-pipes.

Mike Milbury, angered at not being able to locate his other dress shoe and get to the party, called the women "CANAWHORES" and said that they were a disgrace to the honor of the game. To which a New York reporter responded..."What the hell would you know about honor? You never once got honor in your life".

The Canadian Men's Curling Team expressed dismay that four full-sized and fully stocked Coleman coolers were missing from their Winnebago Suncruisers and wondered whether they would be able to compete without them tomorrow.

It was another ugly painting for the Dutch Boys Speed Skating Team. To the dismay of the Canadian girls, Netherlands Coach Gerald Kemkers directed his entire team to the wrong arena and they missed out on a golden opportunity to try out their brand new skate keys.
("I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, you've got a brand new key"......remember?)

And the Swedish Women's Curling Team said they were missing 4 blonde skips, 2 busty front ends, 3 sacks of sliders, and the only hammer that wasn't nailed to the floor.

More to follow on this continuing story.......

THIS JUST IN!!!......18 year old Canadian Hockey Player Marie Philip-Poulin, centered within the controversy surrounding the Hockey Team Party because she was one month short of her 19th birthday and considered an "underage drinker", received her draft notice from the Canadian Government this morning and is expected to be serving in Afghanistan in less than 6 months.

MIKE MILBURY-A LIFETIME OF WANNABE

Mike Milbury, part-time NBC hockey color analyst for NHL and Olympic coverage, as well as a full-time analyst for the Boston Bruins on NESN, sent a mild tremor through the broadcasting and hockey world, when he characterized the Russian Olympic Team's poor showing against the Canadians last night as a "Euro-Trash game".

Mad Mike is getting a lot of heat this morning for those words, as well as his between period conversation with NBC teammate Jeremy Roenicke where he trash talked Alex Ovechkin during a comparison with Sidney Crosby, currently the NHL and Canada's poster child.
(Alex Ovechkin is hands down, by any mearsurable criteria, the best and most gifted player in the Game of Hockey right now....PERIOD-NO DISCUSSION ...just my opinion).

Milbury's latest comments, however, are indicative of his career in hockey...as a Player, as a Coach, as a General Manager and now as a color analyst.  (btw....those that can? DO, those that can't? ANALYZE...yes, I acknowledge that, with this blog, and in particular this entry, that I am equally guilty of that charge).

Mike Milbury has spent a lifetime in the game as a wannabe. Never very good at anything he tried, he has pretty much sucked in every aspect of the game of hockey.

As a less than average defensemen during his playing career, he was a wannabe Dit Clapper for the Boston Bruins. Dit's biography includes this salty reference "One of the more interesting moments in Clapper's career was the time he punched out a referee and future NHL president". Milbury never went after League Royalty, he went after lower life forms than his own, manifested by this single YouTube highlight video of his playing career:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wa6x0jxhMWw

As a coach for the Boston Bruins he was a wannabe Harry Sinden, a long-time legendary coach for the Bruins, who brought the City of Boston a cherished Stanley Cup. Milbury spent just two years coaching the Bruins, and even reached the Stanley Cup finals in his first year as a coach. Not bad (he inherited a GREAT TEAM) but his short career as the Bruins "coach" will always be remembered by what he did when he was named coach of Wales Conference for the 1991 All-Star Game ("named" only because his Bruins came in 1st place in the conference the previous season). Rather than including legitimate All-Stars like Guy Lafleur and Kirk Muller for what is a showcase NHL event of skilled players, he added a "goon" (Chris Nilan) and journeyman defensive player (Brian Skrudland) in order to "toughen up his team", for a game where "toughness" has never been a priority. Milbury also went on to coach the New York Islanders for 3+ years, a tenure highlighted by the Isles consistently earning a top draft pick as a result of having one of the worst records in the league.

But Milbury achieved a nadir of ineptness when he became the General Manager of my beloved New York Islanders (Disclaimer, yes...I am very biased in my opinions towards Mike Milbury because of this).
As a wannabe Bill Torrey (legendary Islander GM who crafted 4 consecutive Stanley Cup winners), Mike Milbury succeeded in single handedly destroying what was once a premier NHL Franchise.
While no statistics or records are kept in this category, it is widely believed that Mike Milbury holds the All-Time NHL record for General Managers who have traded AWAY future NHL All-Stars. A veritable DYNASTY of potential Stanley Cup winning players. Names that litter the current International Olympic landscape....including, but not limited to: Zdeno Chara, Wade Redden, Bryan Berard, Eric Brewer, Darius Kasparaitis, Bryan McCabe, Roberto Luongo, Tommy Salo, Olli Jokinen, Todd Bertuzzi, Tim Connolly, and Raffi Torres. Milbury has also come under fire for his draft day decisions such as choosing Rick DiPietro first overall in 2000 over Dany Heatley and Marian Gaborik; as well as his decision to include the 2001 second overall draft pick (Jason Spezza) as part of the trade for Alexei Yashin (long gone...biggest claim to fame? He married the stunning model Carol Alt while with the Isles). And there isn't an Islander fan in the world who still wonders why Milbury selected Robert Nillson (who?) in the 2003 entry draft when the son of an original fan favorite Islander and current U.S. Olympic star Zach Parise was available....who was IMMEDIATELY snatched up by the New Jersey Devils.

Now In 2010, Milbury is a wannabe Don Cherry, the volatile Canadian hockey analyst and truly colorful broadcaster, who at least has a better resume as a player and coach coming into the position. And who does a much better job at crass, nationalistic commentary about hockey than Milbury can ever hope to achieve.
But rather than fill this blog with my own cheap shots at Milbury in this category, I'll defer to a good friend and long-time Islander fan B.D. Gallof, who succinctly summarizes, with some of his usual outstanding photoshopped visual aids, Milbury's inabilities as a color analyst in this column for the Huffington Post:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bd-gallof/mike-milburys-comments-ov_b_476364.html?ref=fb

Mike Milbury BLOWS....and he's a boring dresser.
Get rid of him NBC....(steal Don Cherry, please?) ......Boston deserves to have him all to themselves.

Just my opinion..

NORTHEAST WEATHER ADVISORY!!!

As the Northeast Corridor braces for another winter storm expected to dump up to 2 feet of snow in some areas, the recently revitalized Al Gore Rhythm Center for Pork Barrel Stimulus Funding and Creative Climatology Calculations ("AGRCFPBSFACCC" in Federal Government Alphaspeak parlance) issued the following Press Release:

"Thanks to the 12 new employees we recently hired from 37 non-existent zip codes and counties in rural Tennessee", said PR Director Ned Brainard, "the Al Gore Rhythm Center is pleased to announce a strategy for combatting, indeed CHANGING, this recent spate of severe winter weather afflicting the Northeast part of the country".

"According to the latest double parabolic knee-jerk matrixes generated by our refurbished (new power chord) nouveau chic Johnny Decoder ring, the 470 Retired SAG Members serving on our Board of Directors have approved a foolproof procedure for turning tomorrow's snow into nothing but rain for all areas that are expected to be impacted".

"We are recommending", continued Dr. Brainard, "that everyone, all gazillion million people, leave their car engines running overnight for 12 hours in advance of the storm".

"Based on the latest calculations from our Johnny Decoder Ring, we expect that the resulting C02 emissions will create a 'mini-global warming' effect that will increase the air temperature over the affected weather areas by 10-12 degrees fahrenheit, indeed, to a level that will result in rain instead of snow".

"We are calling this discovery, our 'Central Heating Apothecary'", said Dr. Brainard.

In related news from Wall Street, oil company and hallucinogenic drug company stocks rose by 20% within  minutes of Dr. Brainard's statement, and a convoy of SUV's and Humvee's with Tennessee license plates was seen leaving the drive through pay windows of Morgan Stanley Dean Witter offices in Lower Manhattan an hour later.

GRAPES WATCH INTENSIFIES AS VIRTUE SCORES CANADA GOLD!!

Last night I wrote about concern over the health of Canadian Icon, Don "Grapes" Cherry after the Canadian Olympic hockey team fell to the United States in preliminary round action.

Well, that concern grows tonight after the Canadian Ice Dancing Team of "Virtue and Moir" (doesn't that sound like a cheeky line from an Austin Powers script? Virtue and Moi?) defeated an American Team and won the Gold Medal in Pairs Ice Dancing

Why would that bother a Canadaphile like Don Cherry you ask?

WELLLLLLLL.......you don't know Don Cherry do you?
Certain biases take precedence over love of country.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRm_K9OpYbo

and...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6HcWasZ1_8

Ice Dancing winning gold for  Canada?
Women winning gold on the ice for Canada?
Women with the name of VIRTUE are winning Gold medals on the ice for Canada?

Oh Grapes....poor Grapes....please lower your head and join me in prayer for the health of Don Cherry.

IS DON CHERRY ON SUICIDE WATCH?

Let me begin this missive by stating unequivocally that I LOVE DON CHERRY. I love his love of the game of hockey, I love his brash, outspoken, obnoxious, politically incorrect candor, I love his jingoistic patriotism, I love his sartorial splendor, I love his dedication and one-sided adulation of all things "CANADIAN" Hockey.

Here's a sample of Don's game from, of all places...Vancouver, 14 years ago.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cM2ja_ZFFy8

But my man, "Grapes", has gotta be down, WAY DOWN in the dumps right now.

As we all know, The USA defeated a far more talented Canada team today(the beauty of hockey is that a HOT goalie can beat anybody). That result, in and of itself, would not concern me so much about Don's health. Cuz stranger things have happened in the world of sports, indeed in hockey. See Lake Placid-1980.

One defeat at the hands of an American Team would normally never shake the unflappable Don Cherry and his fundamental religion that the game of hockey begins and ends within the east/west borders of the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, the 49th Parallel and St. Lawrence River to the south, and Santa's workshop up north.

But today's accomplishment by our home grown hockey players amounts to far more than "one victory" over Don's vaunted, beloved and unequalled Canadian Hockey superiority.

This win is the 3rd goal in what has become a "hat trick" of U.S. Hockey domination over Canadian Hockey .........IN ONLY 49 DAYS.

To whit:
1/On Jan. 4, an under 17 year old U.S. Team beat Team Canada in the finals of the World Under-17 Challenge.
2/On Jan 5, Team USA took the Gold Medal in the World Juniors, after a dramatic overtime win over Canada.
3/And then there was today's British Columbia Gem By The Ocean.

By way of comparison, consider that these results from the hockey world are akin to a football team from Canada coming down and defeating a High School squad made up of kids from Ohio, Pennsylvania, Texas, Florida and California.
Followed up by the University of Toronto winning the NCAA Basketball Championship.
Culminated by the Regina Red Sox defeating the New York Yankees. (yeah right, MAYBE... if they change their nickname).

In the span of 49 days.

Don Cherry has got to be, at best, in tears right now. I fear for his well-being. I'm not sure that the usually unflappable Grapes (of Wrath) can rebound from this Trilogy of Shakespearean Tragedy that has befallen the Canadian Hockey legacy.

Somebody....PLEASE....keep an eye on him.....I love the guy, and cannot fathom the prospect of dealing with his loss, much less witness him changing his ways.

Nevertheless, a really huge congratulations of beyond Mt. Olympus proportions must go out to the entire U.S. Hockey Program. At every level.....every player, every coach, every administrator and every hockey mom, who have all united to put a nice coat of lipstick on this under appreciated pig that we call hockey in the United States of America.

Just my opinion...From Two Time Zones Away.

(Yes, I realize we have a long way to go to win the Gold Medal, and Canada is not out of that picture yet......but today WAS REALLY FUN!!!).

....AND A PLAYER TO BE NAMED LATER.

In 1972, Yankee left handed pitchers (lefties have always been a peculiar breed of ballplayer), Mike Kekich and Fritz Peterson rocked the baseball world, not to mention the prim and proper monuments of Yankee Stadium, by announcing an off-season trade that involved........
themselves.

They swapped wives. And families. And houses. And dogs. (DOGS!!! where the hell was PETA!?!?)
Much was made of that transaction back in 1972, but to the credit of Kekich and Peterson, the story, like all trashy stories, soon fell off of the media's radar (Pay attention Tiger). And to their further credit, Mike and Fritz went on to relatively successful lives outside of baseball after their pitching careers crashed in flames not long after the trade (quelle shock...too many distractions, perhaps?).

But very soon..... that infamous transaction is gonna be smack dab in the crosshairs of public scrutiny again.

Cuz notorious and boorishly outspoken Yankee hater Ben Affleck owns the rights to the story and has just announced that he is going to make a movie about it.
Oh B-O-Y.....I can't wait.
Ben Affleck, along with fellow BloSox fan Matt Damon, is doing a movie about the Yankees.
That's kinda like James Carville producing a GOP campaign video featuring Rosie O'Donnell and Susan Sarandon endorsing Dick Cheney.

And it's not simply a basic "baseball movie", say one that encompasses all of the feel good aspects of Field of Dreams or A League of Their Own, or one that tells a reasonably acceptable history story like Eight Me Out.
Nope.....Affleck will be doing a Yankee movie centered around pinstriped scandal, sex, and adultery.

No doubt this endeavor will be one of those rare moments of celluloid greatness and another shining manifestation of cinematic integrity.

Perhaps Michael Moore will simultaneously throw together a film about George Bush's college days and Affleck and Moore can package it in theaters as a doubleheader....call it the Birds of A Feather Tour.

Anyhow, I digress....the real reason for this blog entry, was so I could suggest some tacky, pithy Movie Titles for Mr. Affleck to consider for this pithy, tacky film venture...

And here they are:

"A League of Their Groan"

"Trading Laces"

"Two Balls, Two Strikes, Two On, Two Out".

"Now Coming Out Of The Bullpen...."

"Ground Rule Doubles".

"Relief Pitchers"

"...She Calls For Another Lefty!!"

"Second Round Draft Picks"

"One Means Fastball, Two Means Changeup"


Knock your socks (red) off Mr. Affleck....have a blast making this movie. With any luck, it will turn a better dime than the rest of the box office disasters you've produced in your career.
And even if it doesn't, at least you can gain some self satisfaction in wasting a lot of other people's money as part of a lifelong quest in overcoming your debilitating second place complex.
(Damn shame he never worked out a trade for JLo, and that she just moved on to bigger and better things, without Ben getting so much as an undisclosed amount of cash in return).

NBC's CURLING COVERAGE NEEDS HAIRSPRAY

Top Ten Stuff Missing From NBC's Coverage of The American Curling Teams.

10/Cold frosty Leinenkugel's in the spare hands of American Curlers.

9/SAP translations for the Minnesotaspeak impaired. (dendaredonchano)

8/Sideline buffet tables featuring head cheese, pickled venison, walleye, lutefisk and a wild rice hot dish. With a "Man Vs. Food" segue of Keith Olbermann chomping down on Taconite Stew.

7/Post match coverage of raucous Polka Line Dancing parties.

6/Who wouldn't enjoy watching Rachel Maddow humming the words to "The Chicken Dance" at a Sven and Oly Karaoke Fundraiser for the teams?

5/Up Close + Personal stories about some really MinnesotaNice People.

4/Live "hometown crowd" shots from every bar named "The Mucky Duck Saloon" in Wisconsin and Minnesota during the matches.

3/Warmup music featuring the hard driving accordion riffes of "Cousin Fuzzy and The Squareheads".

2/Mary Richards and Lou Grant as sideline reporters.

1/Crowd shots showcasing Jessica Biel cheering on her homey's!!

WHERE DO I SIGN UP?

The better part of the following ( I added some stuff) was lifted by me from a military.com website. I endorse it 100% and I (as well as a lot of my compadres) am ready to enlist, Mr. President....Where do we sign up?

I am over 50 and the Armed Forces think I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing assbackwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35

For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 88,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry. We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some fucker that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18 year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've watched a lot of war movies and haven't seen a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side in combat, nor did I ever see John Wayne do any pushups in the Pacific during WWII.

I can hear the Drill Sgt. in the New Army now: "Get down and give me ... er ... one!"

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never heard of anyone outrunning a bullet, not even Usain Bolt.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed-off old farts with an attitude and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. If nothing else, put us on border patrol...we'll have it secured the first night!

And thanks to this current recession Mr. President.....all I see while walking my dog at the park are other over 50 guys with nothing better to do, cuz there's a clear and distinct bias against older males in the current labor market.

We need something to do, and since many of us missed the Vietnam War, well, we're ready to go.

Whaddya say Mr. President?

Surely we can run a BX, keep the REMFS from stealing all the choice K-rations, slop shingle shit, manage software programs, and give the nurses a reason to stay away from the Marines......give us a shot!!!