04 September 2009


In a stunning revelation yesterday, Major League Baseball announced that Commissioner Bud Selig will deliver an address to the students of Amerika via the MLB Network. During this special address, the Commissioner will speak directly to the nation’s children and youth about persisting and succeeding in baseball. The Commissioner will challenge students to work hard, set achievement goals, and take responsibility for their advancement, and to stay away from the evils of soccer.

Additionally, Major League Baseball, with the assistance of the Baltimore Catechists, er Orioles, has prepared packets for all classrooms in Amerika, that provide a menu of activities for educators to engage in before and after the speech.

Activities include writing exercises that include answering questions like:
Who is the Commissioner of Baseball?
Why is he the Commissioner of Baseball?
How can you be like the Commissioner of Baseball?
Why do you think he is speaking to you?
If you were the Commisioner of Baseball, what would you say to students?
How can students help the Commissioner of Baseball?

Finally, MLB is encouraging all schools to show a recent video production that features past and present Major League Baseball heroes pledging their allegiance to Baseball and Commissioner Selig.
Highlight of the video, entitled "I Pledge" includes a cameo of Derek Jeter appearing at the end saying...
"I Pledge To Be A Servant to Commissioner Selig".

In related news, the Soccer Mom's Who Drive Gas Guzzling Minivans Society has announced plans to withhold their children from school on Tuesday in protest over this planned speech by Commissioner Selig, voicing concerns about what they perceive as a "shameless attempt to brainwash the youth of Amerika".

Officials from MLB have dismissed these charges, asserting that the claims have no merit and are simply racially motivated, in view of the fact that far more African Americans play baseball than play soccer.

And that's just my opinion.....from two time zones away.


  1. What do the Hockey Moms have to say about this?

  2. In the immortal words of the SuperStation, "Very funny!"

  3. Bud would address the children of the nation at 11pm - following 'American the Beautiful'.

  4. just the other day i was hanging around my neighborhood sports park which includes baseball diamonds and soccer fields///of course the soccer moms outnumbered the baseball moms by about sixty to one and one of them a quite attractive 40 yr old milf happened to spot me strolling along the sidewalk and remembering the fact that she had nothing to go home to but her semi faggy 42 year old husband who already needs a six pack of viagra to get it up threw herself at me and begged me to savage her and i almost did until i remembered that she was party responsible for the destruction of american civilisation by sanctioning her kids soccer habit///hope youre proud of me 505 and please continue your crusade against this great soccer cancer eating at the heart of our beloved republic

  5. THANK YOU buckeye719 for demonstrating principles during this dark period of our country's history, when principals are rarely found substituting in special ed classes during personnel shortages.

    Because of people like you, and many others that recognize the the significance and difference between a diamond and a yellow card, I will continue to be energized and will carry on the fight to remove soccer from the landscape of American lexicon,,,,and to restore America's Lighted Beacon of Hope.

    As long as we all continue to work together to make ANY American sport (baseball, football, basketball, volleyball, yes, even bowling and darts) the preferred choice for our youth, the sooner Miss Liberty will smile in NY Harbor again.