20 November 2009


A recently discovered letter written by Abraham Lincoln (which generated 3.4 million dollars at an auction) to a group of 195 children has generated a firestorm of angst and protest from the Nation's Media and Pundits.

In the letter, Mr. Lincoln, a Republican from a small town in the last frontier state of Illinois, responded to the school children's request to "free all the slave children in the country".

Mr. Lincoln replied:

""Please tell these little people I am very glad their young hearts are so full of just and generous sympathy, and that while I have not the power to grant all they ask, I trust that they will remember that God has, and that, as it seems, He wills to do it."

Reaction to Mr. Lincoln's response, in particular his reference to "God's Will" was immediate and furious.

MSNBC's Chris Matthews..."How does Lincoln know what God wants? Does he talk to him?".

Keith Olbermann called Lincoln a "clear and present danger to the nation", and continued "we don't need another Elmer Gantry, I think God has better things to do".

Rachel Maddow followed up the smirking by saying "If Lincoln believes that God will free the slaves, American voters will react with WTF!!, and besides if God was really working on this issue, wouldn't he be better at it than Mr. Lincoln? I'm pretty sure that you cannot pray away slavery".

Sally Quinn of the Washington Post commented..."How did God work in Lincoln's life?", and suggested Lincoln shouldn’t complain about what God did to him through say, John Wilkes Boothe.

In an editorial, the New York Times suggested that Lincoln would be better off prostrating himself at the feet of the Monarchs of England and France, and seeking their guidance on the slavery issue, rather than beseeching a god that probably doesn't exist.

David Letterman generated his own firestorm of anger by suggesting in his monologue that Colonel Abner Doubleday of the Union Army was told by God to have sex with Mrs. Lincoln.

SNL writers immediately put together a skit featuring John Belushi, Chris Farley, Gilda Radner and Phil Hartman entertaining God while Mr. Lincoln's text messages were ignored by the enraptured deity.

Finally, Bill O'Reilly of Fox News admonished Mr. Lincoln for his veiled agnosticism and warned him to pick a Church and balanced (fairly) that admonishment by offering Mr. Lincoln a complimentary "St. Peter Welcomes You" doormat if he joined the Catholic Church.

Sean Hannity let Mr. Lincoln know that he once played God in a school play and is still capable of being Him, and Glen Beck wrote the entire Baltimore Catechism (from memory) on a chalkboard for the benefit of Mr. Lincoln and invited him to use the direct phone line in his studio to call God.

No reaction from Mr. Lincoln, who was last seen climbing a mountain on the back of a Lama in Nepal, as witnessed by Sarah Palin from her bedroom window, who was modeling the latest in running attire while simultaneously carving the eyes out of a burglar carrying Newsweek credentials.


  1. Yeah, I was a tad over the top here.

    I took Lincoln's use of "trust in God's Will" and played it against today's media.

    The "media quotes" posted here of various members (Matthews, Olberman, Maddow, Quinn) were EXACT responses they made to Sarah Palin's use of "trust in God's Will" comments.
    The Fox guys, I was just making fun of.

    Just trying to point out the idiocy and the hypocrisy of the left wingers within the "media elite" and poke fun at the right wing nuts.