From Two Time Zones Away

No Political Correctness Here

2010-06-11T12:36:00.000-06:00

Back in May of 2002, I had the good fortune to be among the earliest visitors to, what was at the time, The National D-Day Museum. A dream of renowned author, historian and educator Stephen Ambrose. (Band of Brothers, Citizen Soldiers, Undaunted Courage among his myriad of works).

In the following years, the popularity of this shrine grew immeasurably, thanks to Mr. Ambrose's continued works (note...Mr. Ambrose has come under a lot of posthumous scrutiny and concern about plagiarism and fabriction recently......that's a topic for somewhere else) as well as the notoriety of Tom Brokaw's popular book "The Greatest Generation". So much so that this one-time factory where New Orleans' native Andrew Higgins mass produced the landing craft that carried millions of GI's and Marines to distant beaches, was greatly expanded to cover the entire effort of WWII, and eventually the name of the museum was changed to reflect it's all encompassing coverage of the War of Our Parents.

So it was with great anticipation that I returned to that museum while passing through New Orleans this week. Not only did I want to see the memorial brick that I purchased for my Father back in 2002, (very 1st section....AA, on the corner or Camp and Andrew Higgins Drive), but I was looking forward to seeing the expanded tribute to the millions of Americans who participated in the War.

Little did I realize how pleasantly surprised I would be. Not because there was any earth shattering information for me to glean perusing these old factory hallways, I have been a voracious reader of all things WWII since Dick and Jane primers. (1st book? Guadalcanal Diary by Richard Tregaskis in 2nd grade).

But there was one small section of the museum about the Pacific War that stood out to me. Only because in this day and age of overblown Political Correctness, I was somewhat surprised that the Curators allowed it.

There is a good 4-5 minute walk within the museum dedicated to Japanese atrocities during WWII. And the pictures, monuments, and stories are horrifying. So much so, that there is a parental warning at the beginning of it, as well a a side route to avoid it.

I think this section of the exhibit is a GOOD thing. Cuz we must never overlook or sugarcoat the horrible brutality of war. And in fairness, there is some (not a lot) mention of the reciprocal treatment that was given to the Japanese by our own soldiers.

But, the silver lining here in all of this is that I think by showcasing this politically incorrect aspect of the Pacific War (The Japanese Brutality), a different kind of "political correctness" will be unintentionally enforced.

Many ears ago, in the 70's and early 80's, I spent many a weekend carousing Kalakaua Blvd. in Waikiki. This was during a period when Japanese Tourism to the Hawaiian Islands was peaking. Nothing wrong with that.....they're good people and spend lots of money. But one thing always bothered me. And that was seeing Japanese men, especially older men, fresh off of a tour of Pearl Harbor, wearing USS Arizona baseball caps and T-shirts. Call me jingoistic, but I found that offensive. The same way I would feel in 2010 if Islamic Fundamentalists dressed their women in burkhas featuring images of the World Trade Center. And probably no different than how a Japanese citizen would feel if I walked around downtown Hiroshima in a T-shirt featuring a mushroom cloud with a "Made in America, Tested in Japan" caption. (indeed, I admit it....I DID get a T-shirt like that made to wear on Kalakaua in response to the Japanese wearing Arizona hats and tees).

But thanks to this one particular new section in the WWII Museum, I doubt very much that Japanese tourists will visit our WWII Museum. And more importantly, very little chance that we will ever see Japanese tourists walking down Canal Street in N'Orleans with souvenir baseball caps or T-Shirts from the WWII Museum.

All of us from all nations can and should honor our fallen warriors in proper ways.

Without wearing "souvenirs" from former opponent's hallowed grounds.

Just my opinion.

After All......It's A Small, Small World

2010-06-07T10:33:00.000-06:00

Welcome to San Antonio, Texas.

Leave it to The Lone Star State to steal what is arguably the most annoying ride in Disneyland and create a larger tourist trap around it, and line it's banks with a Who's Who list of every monolithic, publicly held corporate restaurant, retail outlet and theme bar on the S+P 500. Pardon my negativity here, but San Antonio and it's Riverwalk area may well be the most overrated entertainment district in America. Walked, ate and drank my way around the entire length of it yesterday afternoon/evening and while I can't/won't deny that I throroughly enjoyed myself, (cuz no one has more fun than I do) there was something about this attempt at recreating Pleasure Island that left a plastic taste in my mouth.

The live music was below average (an ENGLISH bloke playing Clancy Brothers Revolutionary songs in an Irish Pub?, a jazz quartet that played Dave Brubeck's "Take 5" three times in the same 45 minute set?), the food was weak (ordered a "Tex-Mex" Conqueso appetizer to see how it compared to New Mexican fire engine standards and received what can best be described as a bowl of melted Velveeta and Kraft American Singles littered with a few morsels of Vidalia onions), and with a few exceptions (the bartender in the Irish Pub and my waitress in the English Pub), the employee staff generally gave me the impression that they would rather be home watching 60 Minutes. Especially the manager of the English Pub (Mad Dogs) who saw no humor in what I considered "the question of the day". The entrance to Mad Dogs is appointed with the requisite hostess stand and a very lifelike English Bulldog statue/doll right next to it. Let's just say that I was lucky to be seated after I asked the manager if I could Kiss the Bulldog and Pet the Waitress.

Topping things off, there's some kind of Sleep Apnea Convention in town. As I write this, eight thousand pseudo doctors are walking around San Antonio in some kind of Kreskin-like trance, each one trying to put a colleague/competitor down for a nap with their banter.

Thank God New Orleans is my next stop (If I can get there tonight).

Road Sign/Billboard of the Day. (kinda)

Remember the episode of Undercover CEO when the head of Hooter's busted the sexist store manager who was treating his waitstaff like shit? Well, that guy better get down to San Antonio. While walking past the Riverwalk Hooter's, I (and those around me) couldn't help but notice the lone waitress who was working the outside section of the restaraunt, by herself, on this 100 degree day. Visualize a young woman in a standard Hooter's skimpy next to nothing outfit.....and she's about 8 months pregnant....and sweating like a Sumo Wrestler in a Norwegian Sauna. Now don't get me wrong here, I have long held the belief that the most attractive woman in the world is a pregnant one, because within that image is a beauty that defines the essence of life. BUT....couldn't Hooter's be a tad more progressive here and allow the woman to wear something a little more complimentary to her condition? Couldn't Heidi Klum be consulted on some appropriate Hooter's wear for pregnant women? Just my opinion.

Quote of the Day...(besides mine)

Stopped for gas in a tiny little hamlet (Kerr Village) about 80 miles outside of San Antonio yesterday morning. The storefront of this tiny convenience store looked like it was built in the 1800's and had been converted from a saloon or some such. The woman working in it could have been a decent replacement for Ceil ("The Upper 48") from the Bore Tide in Alaska. She was a chatterbox with the 3-4 people standing in line ahead of me. I walked up, handed her $30.00 for gas on pump 2. She thanked me and told me to have a nice day and a safe trip. Since I planned on purchasing water and ciggies as well, I said to her "Oh no, not yet....I'm not finished with you Ma'am". She gave a wry smile and one of those looks that said "hmmm....apparently she's not done with me, either".

So, I filled up my tank and returned to the store. I entered and quipped to her "Told you I'd be back", and headed down an aisle, eyeing other sundries. At that point she yelled out at me from behind the counter:

"Just for you, our shopping hours are extended until 11PM this evening".

But I guess you had to be there.

ROADKILL MORSELS FROM US 285

2010-06-06T13:05:00.138-06:00

Photo stolen from the copyrighted photographer in the lower right

(Problem? contact Ben Dover at Dewey, Cheatham and Howe LLP...AKA lower and lower principles)

Day One point five of 505's "Go East Old Mahon" escape from the Dusted Bowl of New Mexico.

One of the more enjoyable drives in the Rocky Mountain West is US Highway 285, a road constructed well before Dwight Eisenhower's ambitious Interstate Highway Program shifted a high volume of north/south traffic to I-25. During my 24 years in the 505, I have had the pleasure of traveling US 285 through all of Northern New Mexico and most of Colorado. But only yesterday, on my way outta town, did I venture into southeastern New Mexico via that one time main artery.

Bits and pieces from that star studded trek down UFO Alley to Roswell and beyond:

There is pretty much nothing from Clines Corners (60 miles east of Albuquerque) to Roswell except for overgrazed grassland freely littered with cattle and antelope. (Saw two herds of antelope, one herd had 17 members, the other 12....how do I know? Count all the legs and divide by 4 silly).

About 15 miles north of Roswell, I noticed (well, I couldn't miss it) a Mayflower moving van steaming north like a Flying Dutchman billowing smoke out of the rear of the cab that was thick enough to make me come to a near complete stop, as the foaming 300 foot long fog obliterated the southbound lanes to near zero visibility. Was very thankful that southbound traffic behind me was 1/100th the volume of the Jersey Turnpike and California's I-5 during heavy ocean borne fog and no one plowed into my rear, nor did I destroy anyone (no one) in front of me.

Roswell may well be considered and known as the "UFO Capital of the World" and the "Dairy Farm of NM" but the real story of Roswell is it's cemetery. And it's not just an an average cemetery.

About 5 miles south of town, just off of 285, is the Roswell Airport and "Air Center". Over 250 mostly widebodied aircraft from the "Glory Years" of the Airline Industry are buried above ground upon that air frame mausoleum. Not the least of which, as I spied, were a couple of old Northwest DC-10's. And if it wasn't for the fact that it was 109 degrees in the shade outside of my air conditioned 95 Sonoma, I might have stopped at the airpark to see if either of those DC-10's still had the checkbook Jim Snow stole from me one well lubricated night/early morning on a redeye from Anchorage-Seattle aboard NW028. In the seat pocket of 2D if I'm not mistaken. (and you won't find any capless miniatures next to it....those were the days when Northwest flight attendants free poured from fifths).

It's about 40 miles from Roswell to the next bustling metropolis along US 285....Artesia.

The stretch of road between Roswell and Artesia should forever be known as the "The Ole Factory Highway". Accessorized with roadside signs that read, "This section of the road sponsored by....." and are licensed to Lysol Air Cleaner (aerosol and spray) and Renuzit Car Freshener. For the first 30 miles or so, US 285 south of Roswell, is rimmed by one of the world's largest and continuous dairy cow plantations...with 10's of thousands of bovines feasting upon all of natures finest synthetic vitamin laced natural ingredients. Waking up on the floor of a locker room the morning after a Deviled Egg Eating Competition (sponsored by Budweiser) would be a distant Silver Medalist in this Olympic Aromatic Showdown.

Not to be outdone, the last ten miles into Artesia has it's own sensory claim to fame. The skyline of Artesia, visible from 10 miles away, can best be described as a 1950's Hasbro Erector Set Christmas present that was hijacked by 1960's MIT freshman overdosed on hallucinogenic drugs. Mile upon mile of 3-4 story natural gas drilling and refinery apparatus highlighted by a continuous and overwhelming noxious, gaseous stench. An odor that would put the most insomniac among us into a long and comfortable death engaging snooze. I kept looking for signs that read "No Smoking Within 10 Miles Of Artesia", fearful that if I fired up a ciggie within the confines of this government sanctioned environmental disaster zone, I would go down in history as the two-legged equivalent of Mrs. O'Leary's cow.

And...that's not even the highlight of a drive through Artesia....Nope... not even close....
Ten miles from Artesia is the customary "Welcome to Artesia" sign that is a requisite in rural American approach arteries.

But..
Just within a street walker's operating radius from that welcome sign, and MILES from anything else, was one of the finest looking, cleanest, largest, most modern Barnes and Noble equivalent of an Adult Video Store known to humanity.
Go figure.

Roadside Sign/Billboard of the Day.
Ever been on a rural highway approaching a town in the middle of nowhere and see billboards/wallboards spaced about 100 yards aparts encouraging road warriors to visit a gas station/curio shop in the approaching town?

Carlsbad New Mexico (remember in the 60's how every cool dad had a bumper sticker that read "I visited Carlsbad Caverns NM"?

Yesterday......final descent into Carlsbad there were about 6 short and spiffy roadside signs spaced about 100 yards apart along 285 promoting a Curio/Souvenir Shop in Carlsbad. One of the signs read...
" KODAK CAMERA FLASH BULBS FOR SALE"

WHAT?? ...........Anachronism? Twilight Zone? or a Brilliant Flashback to days gone by?
(I wonder if they sell Kodak flash bulbs with blue dots on them?)

Just my opinion.

WE'VE MOVED

2010-05-20T16:46:00.000-06:00

http://www.examiner.com/x-48680-Albuquerque-Libertarian-Examiner

Will still post here on occassion though.

JUST FOR MY "FANS" AT KDBI

2010-05-10T16:46:00.001-06:00

TOP 10 MOTHERS OF ALL TIME...IMHO

2010-05-09T10:39:00.013-06:00

"Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own"
~Aristotle

10/Betty White...who can't love this woman after her performance on SNL last night? Give her an Emmy. NOW!!

9/Marie Curie....saved more children than anyone else in history.

8/June Cleaver....Whether or not she actually said it (Urban Legend?), In an era of oppressive TV censorship and Seven Words You Can't Say on Television, she is nevertheless credited with one of the most famous prime time quotes of all time,"Ward, I think you were a little hard on The Beaver last night".

7/Rose Kennedy...She buried five of her nine children, raised a president, two U.S senators, while married to arguably the most corrupt and dishonest man in American History.

6/Kim Biel....gave our world her daughter.....thank you , thank you, thank you.

5/Lucille Ball.....In defiance of CBS TV executives in the 1950's she made the word "pregnant" (as well as the "condition" of pregnancy) an acceptable word and FACT OF LIFE to national TV audiences. (When CBS execs wanted her to use the word "expectant", Luci unleashed an "expectorant" on the suits).

4/Mother Earth...who despite the sniveling protestations of Pauline Gore's son, continues to cheerfully allow us to use her resources that we need for survival within her womb.

3/Anna Jarvis....who is she you ask? DUH!!! She's the woman who founded the idea of Mother's Day!! No doubt has honorary membership in the Hallmark, Brachs, and FTD Corporate Halls of Fame.

2/The Mother of (and) my children's mother. Without either of whom, I wouldn't have two great kids.

1/This Fine Lady....what kind of heel would I be if I didn't make my own mother Number One? (She's the one on the left...Not bad for 86 years old, eh? BAD ME for not making her 86th b'day....and the woman on the right gets more than an honorable mention...my aunt who raised 6 hellraising Irish sons).

LOS SUNS? SHOULDN'T IT REALLY BE "LOS SOLS"?

2010-05-06T23:39:00.012-06:00

STOP THE MADNESS!!!

A lot is being said and done these days as a result of the Arizona Immigration Law. The Progressive Left has suddenly and miraculously discovered The Constitution after months of standing by and applauding while Obama trampled it, and the Conservative Right has conveniently overlooked the part of The Constitution that charges the Federal Government with the sole responsibility of protecting our nation's borders.

All good stuff in the constantly evolving debate of political tomfoolery. My opinion? I am philosophically opposed to the AZ Immigration Law. Only because I believe that the State of Arizona has overstepped it's Constitutional Rights here by engaging in an issue that is the domain of the Federal Government. With that said, however, I can't blame the Arizona leaders taking this kind of action. They are in bad shape and need help desperately, and they are doing what they can to help themselves, regardless of the illegal and unconstitutional nature of it.

To me, it's kinda like a good looking young woman who lives in a really bad part of town, foregoing the normal TIME CONSUMING mandated laws that are required to secure a weapon for her own safety, and buying a pistol off the street and hiding it in her bedroom/purse to be used....ONLY IF NEEDED.

She's illegal as hell....but who can blame her?

Overlooked in all of this debate, however, or should I say illicitly drawn into this debate, is the attempt by many in the media as well as our own President, to engage our nation's sports and it's athletes into the controversy. To use basketball and baseball as a bully weapon in support of the plight of illegal immigrants.

While baseball writers like Mike Lupica and Ken Davidoff have jumped on the "nouveau chic convenient Constitutionalism" bandwagon by urging Major League Baseball to support opposition of the Arizona Bill and BOYCOTT Arizona by pulling the 2011 All-Star Game, Barack Obama forgot his pom poms yesterday when he delivered a speech praising the Phoenix Suns for changing their jerseys to "Los Suns".
C'mon Mr. President....MORE ACTION to help our beleaguered neighbors in Arizona and less cheerleading please? Would it be so difficult to move a couple of divisions from the Korean Border to man OUR Southern border? We're being invaded sir, and people---American citizens--are dying.
(It's kinda like what noted Roman commenter, Islander011+39 calligraphied onto a scroll 2 thousand years ago.."YO.... Nero, why do we have 15 legions trying to maintain Pax Britannica between the Picts and the Gaels while Tuscany is being flooded with Goths? And fer Marssakes, Nero, will ya please put that damn fiddle away?".

Indeed, the sickening aspect of sport's writers taking a (personal) stand with their "nouveau chic and convenient Constitutionalism" by urging "boycotts" of Arizona sporting events (AKA- declaring economic war) is that they themselves would not join any boycott. When I asked Ken Davidoff of Newsday (on Neil Best's blog.....cuz I am now "boycotting" Davidoff's blog) whether he would stand by the boycott he was proposing for MLB by not writing about the D'Backs or going to Arizona to cover Yankee or Met Games in Arizona, he replied...."I will mention the Diamondbacks as much as I normally would". (and I surmise that he forgot to answer the part about whether HE would travel to Arizona to cover the Yanks and Mets).

Yet when I questioned the hypocrisy of this position, he accused me of "creating my own paradigm" for measuring hypocrisy.

Really Ken.....just what is YOUR paradigm of hypocrisy? This time zone awaits that definition.

Nothing is more dangerous in our country than an elitist media that will urge others to fight a war (economic or otherwise) that they themselves would not participate in.

But never fear Americans....there is ONE person in the Sport's World who gets it. There is at least ONE GUY who realizes that sports and teams and franchises SHOULD NEVER be used to bully national politics. A guy near and dear to my own heart from the Knick's Championship Season of 1973, a guy who fit the role as a dependable 6th man who always rose to the defense of what was right and good.

ALL HAIL THIS GUY FOR SAYING WHAT HE SAID YESTERDAY:

"Am I crazy, or am I the only one that heard [the legislature] say ‘we just took the United States immigration law and adapted it to our state," he said. "I don't think teams should get involved in the political stuff. And I think this one's still kind of coming out to balance as to how it's going to be favorably looked upon by our public. If I heard it right the American people are really for stronger immigration laws, if I'm not mistaken. Where we stand as basketball teams, we should let that kind of play out and let the political end of that go where it's going to go."

Take a lesson Barry, Mike and Ken. Leave sports out of this...to do otherwise is cowardly. It's no different than asking the big powerful school yard bully to beat up the funny looking weird kid from the short bus who chuckled when you fell off the monkey bars.

Just my opinion.

BULLETIN

This just in from Two Time Zones Away sources deep within the Lady's Room of U.S. Senate Chambers. Harry Reid and Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig have reached an agreement in principle whereby a new stimulus package will be rammed through Congress that would provide 300 billion dollars in stimulus funds for Major League Baseball to expand into Mexico with new franchises awarded to Cancun, Puerto Vallarta, Cabo San Lucas and Ixtapa/Zihuatanejo as long as MLB moves the All-Star Game from Arizona in 2011. Part of the stimulus package includes money set aside for the construction of luxury beachfront accommodations for the exclusive use of Major League Players and the Professional Baseball Writers Association. While there are still some issues to iron out, the only major obstruction at this point is a White House condition that President Barack Obama be given a lifetime pass to throw out the 1st pitch for every season opener in Mexico. Commissioner Selig is balking at that idea saying "I don't mind a lefty, but give me someone who can reach home plate, will ya?" Fellow Southpaw Nancy Pelosi was soon seen headed down to The House Gymnasium with Dennis Kucinich stumbling behind her in oversized catcher's gear.

YANKEES AT THE WHITE HOUSE YESTERDAY

2010-04-27T14:56:00.002-06:00

The Yankees were honored by Barry at the White House yesterday.

So many unanswered questions.

Was Mexican pitcher Alfredo Aceves granted full citizenship rights in the Oval Office after pledging allegiance to the Democratic Party?

Does Mariano Rivera's standing in for Joe Biden and giving a speech to the "English As A Second Language Society" count as a save?

Is it true that often criticized (for being gutless) Yankee pitcher Javy Vasquez peed his pants and blew cookies right before meeting POTUS?

Did Derek Jeter really sneak off to the White House Clinton Room with Nancy Pelosi?

How come only Joba Chamberlain had to take a breathalyzer from WH Security people before entering WH grounds? Isn't that profiling?

Why has there been no mention of Barbara Boxer's concurrent proclamation in front of a standing and tearful Senate Chambers declaring yesterday Hideki Matsui Day?

Did Yankees 3rd base coach Rob Thompson really promise to only wave runners home with his left arm in exchange for a custom stimulus package that would build 3 baseball fields for every soccer field in cities across America?

Was that Major League Umpire Joe West standing guard at the ceremony door to prevent any Republicans from crashing the event and stalling?

Any truth to the rumor that A-Rod was apprehended by Secret Service agents for walking across the free throw line on the White House basketball court?

Did Obama really ask Nick Swisher to become a spokesman for and lend his name to all National Gay Pride events going forward?

Inquiring minds want to know.

BULLETIN!!! This just in from Albany, NY. Minka Kelly has filed the necessary paperwork to make at run at Charles Schumer's NY Senate Seat.

TOP 7 EASTER BUNNY PELLETS

2010-04-04T13:08:00.028-06:00

WHY ONLY 7 YOU SAY? AND NOT THE USUAL 10?

DUH....read the Bible once in awhile....7 is the perfect number.

That's why Mickey Mantle wore it, and it's opening day.

7/Jelly Beans- The BASIC ones, Red, Orange, Yellow, Green etc.
Someone save me from the nouveau chic Starbucks generation nonsense of a million and one flavors of this great Easter Season staple. I'm not interested in jelly beans that taste like chile mango, pina colada, toasted marshmallow, buttered popcorn, or any other vile, chemically enhanced concoction that makes me feel suave and cool on Easter morning.
My liver is equipped to handle chemical enhancements that are simple and basic.
(although, I wouldn't mind getting my taste buds locked onto a Budweiser flavored jelly bean)

6/Chocolate Bunnies- (as pictured above). While these are easily the most popular of Easter Basket denizens, there are too many perplexing issues inherent within the concept of an oversized chocolate rabbit that keep it from getting a higher ranking than 6th on this list. No child should have to deal with those issues so early in the morning at so early an age.
For example......what is the Martha Stewart protocol for consuming it? Ears first? feet first? ass first? Does one consume the entire rabbit like a bald eagle in one fell swoop and gorge? And give oneself a gut ache the rest of the day from chocolate overdose? Or does one risk leaving choice parts of the carcass around for scavengers to steal?
And let's face it folks...most chocolate bunnies are made out of the cheapest and grainiest chocolate available to the greedy profit driven mass producers of this Basic Easter Season Human Right. They are rarely very tasty. (Note to Obamaphiles intent on getting their hands into everything. Americans have a right to European Style Chocolate Easter Bunnies!!)

5/Creamed Eggs on Toast- Breakfast of Champions on Easter Morning. (and the rest of the week). Ya gotta do something with those hard boiled eggs you spent the last 72 hours painting while inadvertently redesigning the color scheme of the veneer on your kitchen table. And no creamed eggs on toast is complete without some blue or red or green coloring dye seeping into your heated mixture from the messy and intricate eggshell peeling process.
TAKE THAT EPA AND FDA!!

4/Just like Christmas has styrofoam peanut shells and plastic bubble wrap, so too does Easter contribute to the indigestion of Mother Earth with mass quantities of non-biodegradeable confetti-like strings of yellow and green Easter Basket lining. What is that crap made out of? Plastic? Paper? Kryptonite? I've often wondered whether it's produced by Hoover, cuz I have had at least 3 motors burn out trying to vaccuum it once it has become entwined in a Kama Sutra orgy with the fibers of my vintage 60's shag carpet.
And how the hell does some of it inevitably wind up in my squash, rutabagas and mashed potatoes during dinner?

3/Chocolate Silver Dollar Hunts. I know what you're saying.."HUH? You mean Easter Egg Hunts". Nope..I'm talking Chocolate Silver Dollars. Those coin sized chocolate discs wrapped in thin tin foil that look like silver dollars (they used to be gold before the Federal Reserve nixed that policy).
Much more fun than eggs for kids and the mischievious adults who buy them. Kids think they are on a REAL treasure hunt, they are easier to carry, i.e jam into pants and shirt pockets...and OH WHAT A MESS THEY MAKE (especially in warmer climes). Watching a frothing 3-5 year old trying to pry the tin foil off of lukewarm chocolate discs with their still immature digital dexterity is like watching an unarmed man remove Dolly Parton's front lock bra. It gets sloppy. And there is no greater enjoyment in life than seeing the reaction from Moms when Little Martha or Duane returns to her looking like Al Jolson singing "Mammy" and wearing a map of Hershey Pennsylvania all over the new Easter outfit.

Yes, I know, I am evil incarnate, but who among us cannot laugh heartily at these simple and innocent snapshots of life.

2/Easter Beer Can Hunts. The adult version of Easter Egg Hunts. Yeah, yeah, what--EVVER!!..save your religious aghastnation (505speak), I've already earned enough rode hard miles to git me a prereserved window seat in the first class section on the nonstop to hell. This little confession won't even get me a complimentary admission to the Terminal Devil's Ambassador Club.
I had the pleasure of taking part in an Easter Beer Can Hunt many decades ago during my misspent Roaring 20's. In Kodiak, Alaska. All I will say is that there is no more appropriate place in the world to engage in this sacrilegious activity on one of the holiest days of the year than in a place that God forgot. While Christ may have arisen on Easter morning after a Bad Friday to ascend into heaven, so too did 907 (at the time), arise one Easter morning after a Holy Shit Saturday night to descend into Kodiak. Unlike Christ's loftier flight, I only ascended to about 20,000 feet on my Stairway To Heaven, but I sure did see a lot of the beauty of God's work on the flight down from Anchorage.

1/Peeps. My all-time favorite Easter treat. Those canary yellow, freakishly joined together at the wing hatchlings of the sugar overdose industry. A big wad of marshmallow coated in submolecular sugar crystals with some kind of secret Dupont manufactured superglue holding everything in formation.
And there is something eerie and subliminally fascinating about those tiny little black specks of eyes on the birds. Flavorless, no discernible separation in texture..What are they? Chocolate? Oil Stains? Rohrschach ink blots?
Yum.....Luv The Peeps. Especially 3-4 days later when they get a little stale and chewier.....Great stuff, and they work great at filling the nail and thumbtack holes in textured walls as well.

ONCE UPON A TIME IN PROGRESSUTOPIA...

2010-04-03T17:08:00.000-06:00

An economics professor at the local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before but had once failed an entire class.

That class had insisted that socialism works and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.

The professor then said, "OK, we will have ...an experiment in this class on Progressive Socialism". All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A.

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B.

The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.

As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.

The second test average was a D! No one was happy.

When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.

The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.

2010 BASEBALL PREDICTIONS

2010-04-02T14:18:00.008-06:00

Pardon me in advance as I run a sentence longer than an Obama quick response to a Bret Baier question but:
As we await the Sunday Night season premier of ESPN's long running reality show "Real World-Yanks Beat Boston Again" and anticipate the warm fuzzy feeling generated by the thought of another seven months of Joe Morgan demonstrating why no one should be surprised that Nancy Pelosi is Speaker of the House when the Number One Color Broadcaster in Baseball can't pass a Dick and Jane logic primer, it's the time for all great baseball minds to make their upcoming season predictions .

I'm gonna diverge from that qualifier and make mine too. Gonna tell you all who the winners and losers will be, who the lock bets are, and where you can find the keys....Yep....it's all here.....Two Time Zones Away.

1/Jim Leyland will quit as manager of the Detroit Tigers and move to Costa Rica after the Obamacare Czars ban smoking within 50 miles of any federally owned automotive plant. Mike Illitch, Tigers owner and founder of Little Caesar's, names Van Jones the new Tiger Czar after the Department of Health and Human Services adds extra cheese and pepperoni to it's list of approved "health foods".

2/Recently divorced NYC relic Susan Sarandon officially changes her name to Annie Savoy and is seen around the city's night spots nuking it up with Yankees star Alex "Meat" Rodriguez. "Meat" goes on to hit .457, drive in 270 runs and blast 88 home runs before being promoted to Baseball's Hall of Fame in late September. As soon as Alex leaves for Cooperstown, Annie gets a call from Alex Pujols who is enduring the worst season of his career.

3/When the first 12 home games in Minnesota's new outdoor Target Field are cancelled because of shitty weather, mostly shitty weather, really shitty weather and even shittier weather, followed up by the next 6 home games cancelled by a plague and infestation of mosquitoes beyond biblical proportions, Minnesota Senator Al Franken scores 120 billion dollars in stimulus funds for hometown federal teatsucker 3M to recreate Kent Hrbek's Hefty Extra Strength Glad Bag Rain Slicker forecastedas a removable roof (just pull the red drawstrings) on Target Field.
Meanwhile, right on cue, Al Gore reminds everyone that he forecasted the shitty weather in Minnesota.

4/After demonstrating during last year's All-Star Game that Kenya will most likely never produce a Major League pitcher, Barack Obama sends Joe Biden to throw out the 1st pitch for the Washington Nationals. Biden is ejected within seconds of throwing the pitch after telling the home plate umpire to F--K OFF when the pitch was called a ball. Ozzie Guillen quits as White Sox Manager to accept a 12 million dollar a year baseball spokesperson position within Biden's personal stimulus empire.

5/Dodger's outfielder Manny Ramirez will ask to be traded by April 30th, declaring that the distractions of the very public and heated McCourt Divorce (owners of the team) were affecting his concentration on the game. "I yust wanna be Manny, and not be segond fiddle in the press", says Ramirez.

6/The World Famous Sausage Races at Miller Park in Milwaukee will be suspended for 2 weeks in July following the public disclosure of a steamy and non FDA approved off-grill affair between Cinco the Chorizo and Guido the Italian Sausage. "This jumbled mess of decaying carrion leaves behind a long string of non-weiners" said Sausage Spokesdog Brett Wurst, "I'd wager that their buns are tightly clenched right now. I hope these brats get peppered with what they deserve". Brewer officials have announced that the not quite as famous "Racing Pierogies" from Pittsburgh will replace the Sausages for the 2 weeks in July.

7/Four days into the new season, Bud Selig and Major League Baseball issues an apology to the Cleveland Indians and their fans for forgetting to schedule any home games for the Indians in April.
Asked to comment about the oversight, Commissioner Selig replies , "Well, I could say that we based the decision on a climatology report from London that said it was gonna snow in Cleveland 8 times in April....But I must be responsible and admit that, yes, we made a mistake, we forgot about them and we are truly sorry". Under a deluge of criticism, Selig followed up by saying "HEY...try to keep things in perspective here....Has everyone forgotten that the Jews lost 10 Tribes? And that Major League Baseball only lost ONE?".

8/And finally, (for now...I may add some more predictions after happy hour today), the one prediction that gives a clear demonstration that all is right and proper in the world and is ultimately the only prediction that really matters:

NEW YORK YANKEES 2010 WORLD CHAMPS

TOP 10 MEANINGLESS EXECUTIVE ORDERS OF ALL TIME

2010-03-29T01:02:00.001-06:00

10/January 1, 2010. Governor Tim Pawlenty of Minnesota issues an executive order mandating that Brett Favre will enter the NFL Hall of Fame as a Viking.

9/One day after his inauguration in 1993, under pressure from his wife, President Bill Clinton issues an executive order barring cigar toting interns from the Oval Office for the duration of his Presidency.

8/April 1, 1865. Abraham Lincoln issues an executive order closing down Ford's Theater effective April 15th.

7/June 6, 1972. Richard Nixon signs an executive order protecting the Plumbers Union from any type of litigation in Washington D.C.

6/November 27, 1963. Lyndon Johnson writes an executive order giving the Warren Commission full authority and power to get to the bottom of the Kennedy Assasination.

5/May 1, 2003. George W. Bush handwrites an executive order on the back of a Budweiser label that the War in Iraq akomplished.

4/December 7, 1941, 12:55PM EDT. Franklin Delano Roosevelt issues an executive order to the Pacific Military commanders that reads "Japs are nucking futz, prepare for attack".

3/March 30,1981. Secretary of State Alexander Haig, upon hearing that President Reagan was shot, immediately issues an executive order declaring "I am in charge".

2/January 11, 1994. While riding in the back of his 3MPG limousine to a Save The Oil For Someone Else Rally in California, VP Al Gore signs an executive order declaring the Information Superhighway created.

1/March 21, 2010. Barack Obama signs an executive order declaring that no federal funds will be used for abortions.

AP HEADLINE-RUSSIA ELIMINATES 2 TIME ZONES

2010-03-29T00:17:00.001-06:00

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Despite the best efforts of The One and his proletariat lackeys from the former Soviet Socialist Republic, Two Time Zones Away is still up and running and will continue to take up the cause of righteousness (mostly libertarianism).

In the words of Sir Winston Churchill "We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender...."

We didn't have many readers in Russia anyway.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

I READ 30 PAGES OF THE HEALTH CARE BILL!!!!

2010-03-27T03:27:00.000-06:00

MY SUCCINCT SUMMARY
(much more succinct than this Obamanation)

A PIPE DREAM nightmare collaboration of the greatest hits from Jonathan Swift and Joseph Heller on acid (Gullivers Travels + Catch-22); created by a bunch of pot smoking, mushroom chewing college sit-ins from the 60's who drifted from their VW Vans to working on the McGovern Campaign, to interning for a Congressman, to elected office and NEVER imagined, created or managed a business in their lives.

Just my opinion.

And if God is listening, forget the "Bless" America stuff, we need some Saving.

EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!!

2010-03-24T03:36:00.003-06:00

Unless your name is JOHN EDWARDS or GARY HART, we all start out in life wanting to GROW UP to be President. Very few of us achieve that lofty goal. Only 43 men (sorry ladies, but your day is coming) have ever done it, mostly due to the fact that along life's journey our focus on the Presidency is diverted by other factors such as money, necessity, family, or just other jobs that come along and grab our fancy.

My first diversion came about at the age of 4 or 5 when I became so fascinated by the garbage truck that ventured down our street 3X a week that I would dash outside in my footie PJ's and mesmerize myself watching the guys riding on the back of it. (And then it was back inside to watch Spanky and Alfalfa chasing Darla on the Tube of Life, fantasizing the dream of being a Little Rascal).

I wanted to grow up and ride on the back of a garbage truck like the garbagemen did. I dreamed about jumping off the truck and beating the hell out of galvanized steel garbage cans, (with lids that only fit snuggly on top of the can for about a week after purchase), before jumping back on the rear of the truck like The Lone Ranger jumped on Silver, as it was rolling on to my neighbor's house.

Since then, I've always had an affinity for other semi-glamorous jobs; temporary occupations that captured some odd fantasy, a peer driven status need to be fulfilled, or positions that simply satisfied some kind of "hey, that sounds like fun" desire. Odd jobs that included, but not limited to, a Newsday paperboy, a caddy at Bethpage State Park (my very 1st loop was The Black), a beanie topped/smock accessorized vendor at Madison Square Garden, or a messenger riding and learning the mass transit system of Midtown Manhattan.

So when my internet surfing came across a casting call for extras for the pilot of a TV show (The Odds) being filmed in the 505 last weekend, I said....what da hey! Who knows? Maybe I'll run into Darla. I followed the instructions and e-mailed a brief physical description and 3 head shots of myself.

(Plus this one....with a written challenge to the recipient of the e-mail to guess which picture wasn't me):

Lo and Behold, the next morning, I received a return e-mail telling me that I had been "selected" to be a "College Professor" for a day, with instructions on what to wear and to prepare for an 8-12 hour day on Sunday. At $9.50/hr plus overtime.....what the hell said I, I'm in.. if nothing else this would provide me with another unique snapshot of the American Experience.

And I wasn't disappointed.

I arrived promptly at 8am at the UNM Student Union, even received a phone call from the casting rep while I was about a mile away, to make sure that I was really coming. When I arrived I quickly discerned why I received the call. There were about 120 people in the assembly hall (the cafeteria) and 110 of them were college students, while the rest were women approaching my age. There were NO other men anywhere near my age. My first reaction was to question my sexuality at being the only male over the age of 21 in this throng.....but then I said to myself...."Self? there are lots of young women dressed in bikinis in here on this 29 degree morning, why the hell would you question your sexuality at this point in life?"

After quickly righting my ship, I filled out all the required paperwork and sat at a table with some women that were close to my generation and began exchanging pleasantries. There was already some filming going on outside the cafeteria, filming that had begun at 6AM that this lone oldest male wasn't needed for.

Fine by me....it's cold outside, the college kids who were standing around out there in required summer attire of shorts and t-shirts for numerous re-takes were turning all kinds of technicolor blue. I thought to myself that at $9.50/hr they better pray that Obamacare gets passed before noon this day.

So after visiting the stocked buffet table for some donuts and juice, I struck up a conversation with 2 women at my table. They were veterans of the "extra" industry that has blossomed in the 505 in recent years. One thing I will say about Governor Bill Richardson (the only GOOD thing) is that he has turned the 505 into a mini-Hollywood in recent years with all kinds of incentives for the film/TV industry to shoot here. Recent movies like Road Hogs and No Country For Old Men were done here, (True Grit is in production), and current cable series like In Plain Sight and Breaking Bad are shot here. There's plenty of work...and I got the impression from the two women I was speaking with, that for many people....being an "extra" is almost a full time profession. Indeed, after I informed them of my extra virginity, I was subjected to a veritable rolling screen of their own movie credits and actors they have met as each of them tried to one up the other with their film and TV accomplishments. "Lord Save Me", I quietly uttered on this Sabbath Day.

But the highlight of this brief conversation with Robin and Dawn was the disclosure that the real (reel?) highlights of this job for them was, get this, Dawn was there "for the food" (all meals and beverages are provided by the studios) and the food was much better for movie productions than TV shows, and Robin, who has a union card ya' know, and "was hoping to meet a single man with a full time job". After she showed me a picture of her 15 year old son with hair down below his ass, who had already called her 3X this morning complaining about being ill, ("Tell him to open a can of chicken soup" said I, "You mean VEGAN Soup" said Mom).....I quickly advised Robin that I was neither.

CUT!!!!

End of Part 1....Enjoy the interlude, go smoke a cigarette or buy some popcorn in the lobby.

Come back tomorrow for Part 2.

ON THIS DATE IN HISTORY.....

2010-03-23T04:49:00.003-06:00

Das Andere Deutschland's final issue (German Newspaper in 1933), announcing its own prohibition (Verbot) by the police authorities on the basis of the Reichstag Fire Decree.

When the final tally was announced on Sunday night, I fully expected Nancy Pelosi to send one of her whimpering cervically dysplagic lap dogs (Kucinich? Stupak?) running up to the White House with a copy of the Health Care Bill for Obama to immediately sign. Indeed, I was somewhat shocked when it was announced that Obama was going to wait until today, Tuesday March 23, 2010, before signing it.

Which got me to thinking........(as stated previously in other blog entries...always a dangerous concept).

Why would Obama wait two days to sign this historic and legacy making Health Care Bill?
Like my nanny would always state, (long before the combination of the words "nanny" and "state" took on radically different meanings), "What if the world came to an end yesterday?"

How would The One get past St. Peter and gain admittance to the Progressive HOF (Heaven of Fame) where he could join his buddies FDR and LBJ? (LBJ is actually getting quite toasty right now, but that's the subject of another blog topic, I am including him in Heaven now strictly out of a poetic license that has not yet been taxed or regulated out of existence).

What's so special about March 23 that gave Obama reason to wait and sign the bill today? Possibly to honor someone or some event?

Good question? Correct?

So, I unleashed the investigative staff at Two Time Zones Away to do a little research.
Was it some significant historical figure's birthday? Nope, no big or applicable names there.
Perhaps Karl Marx was circumsized on March 23? Possible but probably not, cuz Marx was born a Jew and didn't become a Gentile (no relation to Jim) until age 6.
Is March 23rd the earliest date that Ted Kennedy arose from a St. Patrick's Day bender? Nope. That date is March 28th or 29th, depending on whether you count the time zone he woke up in or the time zone he started drinking in.

So we checked the Significant Events Folder.

BINGO!!!

We have two options for Obama to reference in his Victory Speech Round Deux by way of historical connection.

First of all, it was on March 23, 1806, after 2 years of slogging through the Louisiana Territory, (not a whole lot longer than it took Obama to jam this Health Care Plan down our throats), famed explorers Lewis and Clark and their "Corps of Discovery", began their return trip home from Oregon with tales and riches of the Louisiana Purchase.

Which is certainly significant because now on the same March 23, 204 years later.... Mary Landrieu, the "Whore He Discovered" can begin her return trip back to Louisiana with a keelboat loaded with riches from the latest Purchase of the same name.

Secondly, we came across this little ironic similarity,

On this date in 1933, The German Reichstag (Congress) passed the Enabling Act of 1933, making Adolf Hitler dictator of Germany. This was after Hitler's Cronies had tried to burn down the same Reichstag a month previous, but like Rahm Emanuel professes and practices so well, ("A Crisis is A Terrible Thing To Waste"), Hitler seized the opportunity presented by the Reichstag Fire to centralize more power within the National Socialist Central Government, took control of various industries and eliminated numerous freedoms. Not the least of which included taking over or closing every newpaper in the country.

Which is certainly significant because now on this same March 23, 76 years later...Obama and Emanuel have just extinguished, indeed took full advantage of, the firestorm that was scorching their administration after the election of Scott Brown. And they did it by trampling over the Constitution and breaching every possible Rule of Order and Procedure in Congress. And let's not overlook the powerful and Enabling Actions of Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid from our own Reichstag, that led to this powerful and impressive victory.
All the while a fawning media and press (save one major outlet) pretty much closed both eyes to this 21st Century power grab by the new forces of National Socialism. (Sorry progressives, but it's now official....Obama is a Socialist...The Reverend Al Sharpton anointed him Sunday....right here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7JNbauwGPY
All of this, after nationalizing the automobile industry, the banking industry and now the Health Insurance Industry, indeed the entire Health Care industry.
And for the first time in American History....our National(ist?) Government is MANDATING, under penalty of a fine or jail, that we MUST purchase a consumer product.

All I can say is....brilliant acknowledgement of March 23 and it's significance in history Mr. Obama. I tip my hat to you for recognizing the appropriateness of signing the Health Care Act today.

But rather than leave everyone with a lousy taste in their mouths about the date of March 23rd. I'll leave you with another special event that happened on this date as well; and it's kinda different.
Because it was on this date in 1775, that Patrick Henry delivered his famous speech – "Give me Liberty, or give me Death!" – at St. John's Church in Richmond, Virginia.

Imagine that......secular words of wisdom delivered in a Church... how politically incorrect in 2010.
And can anyone imagine Jeremiah Wright saying something comparable?
Or would it be more like......."Give My State More Unfunded Federal Mandates!! Or Give Me More Community Organizers.....But Give me Something God Dammit!!"

THIS WAS OUR DARKEST HOUR

2010-03-22T01:03:00.004-06:00

Mr. Vice President, Mr. Speaker, Members of the Senate, and of the House of Representatives:

Yesterday, March 21st, 1941 -- a date which will live in infamy -- the Constitution of The United States of America was rapaciously and deliberately ravaged by progressive and socialist forces of the Empire of Marxism.

The Constitution was under attack from that philosophy, but even with the election of Barack Obama, was still in conversation with its proponents and its emperor looking toward the maintenance of individual liberties and freedoms within this Country.

Indeed, five days before socialist candidates had been elected in the American 2008 election, the Presidential candidate of the Progressive Party and his comrades delivered to our Nation's Youtube Network an informal Declaration of War on the 232 year old American Experiment:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xvJJP9AYgqU

While this declaration appeared to be a statement of hope and change, it contained no threat or hint of war or how audacious and encompassing the attack would be.

It will be recorded that the distance between Teddy Roosevelt's initial foray into Progressivism to Barack Obama's HealthCare Bill makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many decades or even a century ago. During the intervening time, numerous Republican and Democratic Progressive Administrations have deliberately sought to deceive the United States Citizenry by false statements and expressions of hope for continued freedom and independence from government oppression.

The attack yesterday on the Constitution has caused severe damage to American economic and personal freedoms. I regret to tell you that very many American lives have been already been destroyed by progressive initiatives. In addition, American freedoms have been reported threatened with the planned hiring of 3 battalions of up to 15,000 IRS storm troopers between Maine and Hawaii.

Yesterday, the Progressives also launched an attack supporting Amnesty for Immigration Laws.

Earlier this year, Progressive forces initiated an economically debilitating Cap and Trade program.

In 1973, the Progressives embarked on a policy of prenatalcide by successfully presenting the case that a woman has the right to choose when it comes to the health of her own body (resulting in 39 MILLION aborted children...i.e DEAD BABIES, through the year 2000), yet in what can only be considered as one of the top 2 hypocrisies of all time, they have just mandated to over 300 million Americans, that there is no choice when it comes to buying health insurance for you own bodies. Do it or go to jail.

Last year, the Progressives bailed out and conquered the automotive industry.

Last year, the Progressives bailed out and conquered the banking industry.

And in this past State of The Union Address, the Progressives began attacking The Supreme Court.

Progressivism has, therefore, undertaken a complete offensive extending throughout the American System. The facts of yesterday and today speak for themselves. The people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our nation.

As blogger in chief from two time zones away, I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense. But always will our whole nation remember the character of the onslaught against us.

No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the American people in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory.

I believe that I interpret the will of the Constitutionalists and of the people when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost, but will make it very certain that this form of treachery shall never again endanger us.

Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory, and our interests are in grave danger.

With confidence in our unarmed forces, with the unbounding determination of our people, we will gain the inevitable triumph -- so help us God.

I ask that the American People declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by Progressivism on Sunday, March 21st, 2010, a state of war has existed between the United States and the Marxist Progressives.

TOP 9 IRISH BASEBALL PLAYERS OF ALL TIME

2010-03-17T11:29:00.002-06:00

9/Willie McCovey--San Francisco Giant first baseman from the 60's

8/Bob O'jeda-NY Mets reliever from the 80's.

7/Queenie O'Rourke- Makes the list because Queenie was the name of my 1st dog as a kid. The Luis Sojo of the 1908 Yankees.

6/Shawn Green- What's more Irish on St. Patrick's Day than that name?

5/Buck O'Neill- Arguably the greatest baseball player ever who never played in the Major Leagues.

4/Wee Willie Keeler-No Irish Baseball lineup is complete without a leprechaun

3/Nolan Ryan-Earns a position based on the Double Shot of Irishness in his name. Not a bad pitcher either.

2/Mickey Mantle- It's St. Patrick's Day, He is THE Greatest Mick of All Time.

1/This guy---The Finest Mahon I've ever known...and one helluva dad...

http://www.baseball-reference.com/minors/player.cgi?id=mahon-001tho

1ST ANNUAL 505 BRACKETOLOGY WARNINGS

2010-03-16T00:09:00.005-06:00

Why a picture of Jim Valvano you ask?

Simple, we have too much in common. Which gives me the right to feign some expertise on the upcoming NCAA Playoffs.

How so?

Jimmy V. was raised in Seaford, Long Island. I was raised 1 zip code away in North Massapequa, Long Island.

Jimmy V. learned his basketball in the schoolyards and parks of the South Shore of Long Island. I learned my basketball in those same schoolyards and parks.

Jimmy V. was a point guard at Rutgers University in 1967. I was a loudmouthed lout at Manhattan College in 1976 who was thrown out of the Rutgers gymnasium for questioning Rutgers All-American Phil Seller's lineage while my beloved Jaspers were trying to prematurely end Rutgers 31 game winning streak. (They failed).

Jimmy V's greatest claim to fame was winning the NCAA Tournament in Albuquerque in 1983. My greatest claim to fame was winning a Blackjack Tournament in Albuquerque in 2007.

With that out of the way......TAKE THE FOLLOWING TO THE BANK BRACKETOLOGISTS.

1/There are 4 Mountain West Conference teams in the Dance. I contend that these 4 teams as an aggregate are as good as the top 4 teams from ANY other conference in America. At least 3 will advance out of the 1st round. And there is a decent chance that all 4 will advance.

2/New Mexico will have no problem with Montana. I have picked the Lobos (somewhat heartily, as in my heart, not my head) as a Final 4 squad. The only thing holding this team back is what I call "The Manana Syndrome" that plagues statewide athletics here. A universal syndrome (i.e. all levels of athletic competition-pro-college-high school- little league- amateur etc) that I have witnessed first hand, observed as a spectator, and battled as a participant. It is a unique psychology that GRIPS competitors of all sports in this state whereby participants go into important games with the attitude that it's okay to wait for the other team to lose the game. Known in other parts of the country as CHOKING. But for the 1st time since I arrived here in 1986, I think Lobo coach Steve Alford has this attitude under control.

2/BYU, as their religious beliefs demand, is on a Mission. They have been underseeded. They should have been a 5 or 6 seed. They have not won an NCAA game in 7 consecutive appearances. They fear losing more in Provo more than they fear Catholicism and Judaism. They will defeat Florida. They will advance to the Elite 8. I picked Pittsburgh to defeat them at that point, but I consider that game a tossup. BEWARE OF BYU in this tournament.

3/San Diego State could very well be the surprise and Cinderella team of the whole show. The most athletic and strongest board team in the MWC, they will go as far as their top 5 in the country freshman, Kawhi Leonard, takes them. He is a STUD. The Aztecs defeated the Number 8 ranked Lobos twice this year, but in reality, they beat the Lobos 3 times....except for some very gracious "home" calls at the end of the game in Albuquerque. The SDSU/Tennessee game may be the most fun game to watch in the entire 1st round of the tournament, as it will be played above the rim. SDSU goes to the Sweet 16...yes, I even picked them to defeat Georgetown. One cannot discount the savvy wisdom of former NCAA Champion Coach Steve Fischer at the helm in San Diego.

4/UNLV is my question mark in the 1st round. Not sure they have the offensive weapons to defeat Northern Iowa, but their high pressure front end defense will surely put the NIU guards to the test. (When is the last time anyone used the term "high pressure defense" to describe a UNLV team?). I picked UNLV as a 1st round win, but that's as far as they go with Kansas as their next opponent.

Again...take these predictions to the bank..

But keep in mind...they're just my opinion....I could be wrong. And even Jimmy V. was perfect only once.

JOHN MITCHELL APPOINTS 8 KLAN DEFENSE ATTORNEYS TO CIVIL RIGHTS DIVISION WITHIN THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT

2010-03-09T16:34:00.007-07:00

For those of you old enough to remember......jump into Mr. Peabody's Wayback Machine and drift back to 1969. Imagine what would have happened if the headline I posted here appeared on the front page of the New York Times sometime in 1969. A headline reporting that Richard Nixon's Attorney General, John Mitchell had hired and placed 8 former KKK defense attorneys into the Civil Rights Division of the Justice Department.

Outrage? Revulsion? Rioting? Burning down the Cities?

And who could blame the people rightfully offended by an action that is so questionable, so conflicting, so arrogant, so lacking in common sense? It would have been a really dumb thing to do. History has shown us that Nixon and Mitchell were capable of doing some really dumb things........BUT NOTHING THAT DUMB!!

Now climb back into Mr. Peabody's Wayback Machine and return to 2010.

And checkout this headline, AND IT'S A TRUE STORY!!

ERIC HOLDER APPOINTS 8 JIHADIST DEFENSE ATTORNEYS TO NATIONAL SECURITY DIVISION WITHIN THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT.

Makes me wonder about the job opportunities and income potential for plumbers in Washington these days.

Just my opinion.

BULLETIN!!!

This just in from the Revised History Files.

Robert Kennedy, JFK's Attorney General in 1961, has just named Tom Hagen, Bumpy Piscatorre, Anita Bellacrocia and 5 other consiglieres to the Justice Department's Organized Crime Unit.

Hey....it's open season for election paybacks, ya' know?

PROGRESSIVE THINKING AT WORK

2010-03-02T23:09:00.019-07:00

The Progressives have done it again. In an effort to strike back at the Tea Party, their simple thought processes have come up with what appears, in their simple minds, a clever counter movement to the Tea Partiers, i.e. The Coffee Party Movement. At first glance, one might think....very good. Tea? Coffee? Kinda the same, both are comfort beverages and sort of go hand in hand. Great concept by the Progressives, right?

WRONG.

Besides the one important question that needs to be asked about the Coffee Party Movement, what the hell took you so long to mobilize?, this brand new political product called The Coffee Party Movement warrants some further review.

Like......what fundamental branding mistake did the progressives make by selecting coffee as the alternative to tea, and creating a comparison of the two beverages, by representing their own movement in the form of coffee?

Well, I just happen to have the answers to that question, in my own snarky, twisted way. And it's not a pretty story for Progressives when SOME THOUGHT is given to "what the hell ARE they thinking" in selecting "coffee" as their brand of party movement?
But then again, why should anyone be surprised by the shallowness of Progressive thinking?

HISTORICAL SIGNIFICANCE
Tea? We all know what the historical significance of the Tea Party is. It's the first image that pops in your head, right? Boston Harbor, Pre-Revolution, striking out at government oppression. All kinds of goose bumpy, patriotic feel good stuff. The kind of stuff that makes you want to pin a flag on your lapel.

Coffee? Hmmmm, can't think of anything off the top of your head that rivals the patriotic Tea Party image, can you? That's because there isn't anything good.
The history of Coffee and The United States is not spectacular. In fact, it's downright awful.
Do the words and phrases "Yanqui Imperialism, Banana Republics, United Fruit Company Massacre", and over 200 years of collaboration between the U.S. Government and Corporate monoliths in plundering, repressing and subjugating Caribbean, Central and South American countries in what became cozy private oligopolies conger up any images?
It's the kind of stuff that makes you want to go out and burn an American Flag.
Why, oh why, would the Progressives want their movement to be affiliated with THAT branding image?
Think about it.....in a subliminal kind of way.

HEALTH SIGNIFICANCE
Tea? Tea is certainly not an elixir by any means. But it does contain Vitamin B1 (Thiamin), Vitamin B2 (Riboflavin), Vitamin B6, Vitamin C (Ascorbic Acid), Vitamin K, Carotene (precursor of vitamin A), Folic Acid, minerals like Manganese, Potassium, Zinc, Fluorine, and Polyphenols (antioxidants) like flavonoids and catechins which help fight against cancer-causing radicals and heart disease.
Indeed, it is generally considered throughout the health industry that the moderate consumption of Tea is very beneficial to one's overall health.

Coffee? Are you kidding me? Let's start and end with VERY HIGH AMOUNTS OF CAFFEINE. The caffeine content in coffee is 50% more than tea. Coffee also has tannin. The combined effect of caffeine and tannin creates many neuro-genetic disorders. And, according to ayurveda (we research all ends of the earth at Two Time Zones Away), coffee drinking makes the semen very thin, which causes early ejaculation and involuntary night discharge. It decreases reproducing power of both sexes. Coffee drinking badly affects the skin, making it dark and rough (see noted morning after coffee fan Keith Richards).

But listing all the negative effects of even mininal consumption of coffee is like listening to the 20 second disclaimers at the end of 30 second Viagra commercials warning you why you shouldn't take it.
Coffee has been directly linked to gastritis, stomach ulcers, sleep disorder, anxiety, increased cholesterol levels, high blood pressure, still birth, iron deficiency, coronary artery disease and on and on and on. Makes one wonder why you shouldn't consult a physician before drinking coffee, and question why there isn't a Surgeon General's Warning on the side of every can of Sanka. (don't worry progressives. I'm sure you'll figure out a way to get that done some day soon).
So....why would Progressives want to be associated with something so potentially debilitating, yet temporarily invigorating, as coffee?
Think about it.....in a subliminal kind of way.

PSYCHOLOGICAL AND COSMETIC SIGNIFICANCE
Tea? Is generally considered a soothing potion, in fact, Green Tea has been used as an anti-depressant. While tea contains small amounts of caffeine, many people drink tea shortly before going to bed each night due to it's comforting features.
And when was the last time you were overwhelmed by the smell of tea on someone's breath?

Coffee? An addicting stimulant. Provides the consumer with temporary euphoric qualities followed up by severe and dramatic demeanor crashes (see my treatise on the Explosive Growth of Starbucks and the Corresponding Increase of Road Rage in America since 1995). Ever wonder how Rachel Maddow maintains that smirky grin and glazed squinchy eyes for an hour every night? That's coffee in her cup. You should see her after the show.
And c'mon folks, what's as bad or worse than cigarette breath? COFFEE breath.
So....why would Progressives want to be associated with an addictive and debilitating option like coffee?
Think about it....in a subliminal kind of way.

ECONOMIC SIGNIFICANCE
Tea? A decent-tasting 100-count box of tea bags can be had for around $3, and each tea bag makes 1-2 cups of tea. Cost per cup: around 2 cents.

Coffee? A pound of decent coffee costs around $6, and makes 30-40 cups (according to most coffee connoisseurs). Cost per cup: 15 to 20 cents. (And I won't even bring up the cost of a cup of coffee at Starbucks).
Once again, the Progressives opt for a branding that costs everyone a whole bunch more money.
Think about it....in a subliminal kind of way.

CONCLUSION
Be very very careful with this brand new product (actually an old failed product with fresh packaging) being presented by the Progressives with their Coffee Party Movement.
Sounds good, smells good, tastes good, and makes you feel good.....but only for a little while.

Me? I don't drink either beverage.
I fully endorse joining a "Scotch On The Rocks Party".
Cuz that's branding a movement.

In everything but a subliminal kind of way.

OH (MY!!) CANADA

2010-02-26T02:55:00.017-07:00

CANADIAN WOMEN SHOCK OLYMPICS !!!

IOC PRESIDENT ROGGE'S LIQUOR CABINET VANDALIZED!!

ZAMBONI MISSING, FEARED ICED!!

In a scandal that is sure to rock the puerile Olympic Spirit and breathe life into Don Cherry, the Gold Medal winning Canadian Women's Hockey team threw a wild post-game celebration in the deserted Vancouver Center following their victory over the United States last night. Beer, Champagne and stogies abounded as the young women began training for scheduled tryouts in Flin Flon next month for the Canadian Olympic Drinking Team.
Reactions from the IOC and the Canadian Olympic Committee were immediate and furious.

"We're going to raise an eyebrow", said IOC Spokeswoman Kari Nayshun.
COC President Sarge Preston remarked "As long as our official sponsor Moulson was involved, and they got their men, we're okay."

Elsewhere within the Olympic Village, news of the party was met with tempered and somber responses.

NBC Hockey Analyst and former U.S. Olympic Hockey player Jeremy Roenicke texted the following to 1998 Olympic Teammate Brett Hull.
"GT UR ASS UP HERE, ITS NAGANO ALL OVR AGIN!!"

U.S. Skier Lindsey Vonn, in the Olympic Spirit of Reconciliation, tried to drag bitter teammate Julia Mancuso over to the festivity. Mancuso reportedly told her to shove her broken pinkie up her slalom.

Two Korean short track racers tried to crash the party, but eliminated themselves as they made the final turn into the arena. Apollo Ohno was blamed for the crash, and scored 4 Canadian gold medals at the party.

Shaun White rolled the cigars, and donated autographed half-pipes.

Mike Milbury, angered at not being able to locate his other dress shoe and get to the party, called the women "CANAWHORES" and said that they were a disgrace to the honor of the game. To which a New York reporter responded..."What the hell would you know about honor? You never once got honor in your life".

The Canadian Men's Curling Team expressed dismay that four full-sized and fully stocked Coleman coolers were missing from their Winnebago Suncruisers and wondered whether they would be able to compete without them tomorrow.

It was another ugly painting for the Dutch Boys Speed Skating Team. To the dismay of the Canadian girls, Netherlands Coach Gerald Kemkers directed his entire team to the wrong arena and they missed out on a golden opportunity to try out their brand new skate keys.
("I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, you've got a brand new key"......remember?)

And the Swedish Women's Curling Team said they were missing 4 blonde skips, 2 busty front ends, 3 sacks of sliders, and the only hammer that wasn't nailed to the floor.

More to follow on this continuing story.......

THIS JUST IN!!!......18 year old Canadian Hockey Player Marie Philip-Poulin, centered within the controversy surrounding the Hockey Team Party because she was one month short of her 19th birthday and considered an "underage drinker", received her draft notice from the Canadian Government this morning and is expected to be serving in Afghanistan in less than 6 months.

MIKE MILBURY-A LIFETIME OF WANNABE

2010-02-25T10:57:00.003-07:00

Mike Milbury, part-time NBC hockey color analyst for NHL and Olympic coverage, as well as a full-time analyst for the Boston Bruins on NESN, sent a mild tremor through the broadcasting and hockey world, when he characterized the Russian Olympic Team's poor showing against the Canadians last night as a "Euro-Trash game".

Mad Mike is getting a lot of heat this morning for those words, as well as his between period conversation with NBC teammate Jeremy Roenicke where he trash talked Alex Ovechkin during a comparison with Sidney Crosby, currently the NHL and Canada's poster child.
(Alex Ovechkin is hands down, by any mearsurable criteria, the best and most gifted player in the Game of Hockey right now....PERIOD-NO DISCUSSION ...just my opinion).

Milbury's latest comments, however, are indicative of his career in hockey...as a Player, as a Coach, as a General Manager and now as a color analyst. (btw....those that can? DO, those that can't? ANALYZE...yes, I acknowledge that, with this blog, and in particular this entry, that I am equally guilty of that charge).

Mike Milbury has spent a lifetime in the game as a wannabe. Never very good at anything he tried, he has pretty much sucked in every aspect of the game of hockey.

As a less than average defensemen during his playing career, he was a wannabe Dit Clapper for the Boston Bruins. Dit's biography includes this salty reference "One of the more interesting moments in Clapper's career was the time he punched out a referee and future NHL president". Milbury never went after League Royalty, he went after lower life forms than his own, manifested by this single YouTube highlight video of his playing career:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wa6x0jxhMWw

As a coach for the Boston Bruins he was a wannabe Harry Sinden, a long-time legendary coach for the Bruins, who brought the City of Boston a cherished Stanley Cup. Milbury spent just two years coaching the Bruins, and even reached the Stanley Cup finals in his first year as a coach. Not bad (he inherited a GREAT TEAM) but his short career as the Bruins "coach" will always be remembered by what he did when he was named coach of Wales Conference for the 1991 All-Star Game ("named" only because his Bruins came in 1st place in the conference the previous season). Rather than including legitimate All-Stars like Guy Lafleur and Kirk Muller for what is a showcase NHL event of skilled players, he added a "goon" (Chris Nilan) and journeyman defensive player (Brian Skrudland) in order to "toughen up his team", for a game where "toughness" has never been a priority. Milbury also went on to coach the New York Islanders for 3+ years, a tenure highlighted by the Isles consistently earning a top draft pick as a result of having one of the worst records in the league.

But Milbury achieved a nadir of ineptness when he became the General Manager of my beloved New York Islanders (Disclaimer, yes...I am very biased in my opinions towards Mike Milbury because of this).
As a wannabe Bill Torrey (legendary Islander GM who crafted 4 consecutive Stanley Cup winners), Mike Milbury succeeded in single handedly destroying what was once a premier NHL Franchise.
While no statistics or records are kept in this category, it is widely believed that Mike Milbury holds the All-Time NHL record for General Managers who have traded AWAY future NHL All-Stars. A veritable DYNASTY of potential Stanley Cup winning players. Names that litter the current International Olympic landscape....including, but not limited to: Zdeno Chara, Wade Redden, Bryan Berard, Eric Brewer, Darius Kasparaitis, Bryan McCabe, Roberto Luongo, Tommy Salo, Olli Jokinen, Todd Bertuzzi, Tim Connolly, and Raffi Torres. Milbury has also come under fire for his draft day decisions such as choosing Rick DiPietro first overall in 2000 over Dany Heatley and Marian Gaborik; as well as his decision to include the 2001 second overall draft pick (Jason Spezza) as part of the trade for Alexei Yashin (long gone...biggest claim to fame? He married the stunning model Carol Alt while with the Isles). And there isn't an Islander fan in the world who still wonders why Milbury selected Robert Nillson (who?) in the 2003 entry draft when the son of an original fan favorite Islander and current U.S. Olympic star Zach Parise was available....who was IMMEDIATELY snatched up by the New Jersey Devils.

Now In 2010, Milbury is a wannabe Don Cherry, the volatile Canadian hockey analyst and truly colorful broadcaster, who at least has a better resume as a player and coach coming into the position. And who does a much better job at crass, nationalistic commentary about hockey than Milbury can ever hope to achieve.
But rather than fill this blog with my own cheap shots at Milbury in this category, I'll defer to a good friend and long-time Islander fan B.D. Gallof, who succinctly summarizes, with some of his usual outstanding photoshopped visual aids, Milbury's inabilities as a color analyst in this column for the Huffington Post:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bd-gallof/mike-milburys-comments-ov_b_476364.html?ref=fb

Mike Milbury BLOWS....and he's a boring dresser.
Get rid of him NBC....(steal Don Cherry, please?) ......Boston deserves to have him all to themselves.

Just my opinion..

NORTHEAST WEATHER ADVISORY!!!

2010-02-24T11:28:00.001-07:00

As the Northeast Corridor braces for another winter storm expected to dump up to 2 feet of snow in some areas, the recently revitalized Al Gore Rhythm Center for Pork Barrel Stimulus Funding and Creative Climatology Calculations ("AGRCFPBSFACCC" in Federal Government Alphaspeak parlance) issued the following Press Release:

"Thanks to the 12 new employees we recently hired from 37 non-existent zip codes and counties in rural Tennessee", said PR Director Ned Brainard, "the Al Gore Rhythm Center is pleased to announce a strategy for combatting, indeed CHANGING, this recent spate of severe winter weather afflicting the Northeast part of the country".

"According to the latest double parabolic knee-jerk matrixes generated by our refurbished (new power chord) nouveau chic Johnny Decoder ring, the 470 Retired SAG Members serving on our Board of Directors have approved a foolproof procedure for turning tomorrow's snow into nothing but rain for all areas that are expected to be impacted".

"We are recommending", continued Dr. Brainard, "that everyone, all gazillion million people, leave their car engines running overnight for 12 hours in advance of the storm".

"Based on the latest calculations from our Johnny Decoder Ring, we expect that the resulting C02 emissions will create a 'mini-global warming' effect that will increase the air temperature over the affected weather areas by 10-12 degrees fahrenheit, indeed, to a level that will result in rain instead of snow".

"We are calling this discovery, our 'Central Heating Apothecary'", said Dr. Brainard.

In related news from Wall Street, oil company and hallucinogenic drug company stocks rose by 20% within minutes of Dr. Brainard's statement, and a convoy of SUV's and Humvee's with Tennessee license plates was seen leaving the drive through pay windows of Morgan Stanley Dean Witter offices in Lower Manhattan an hour later.

GRAPES WATCH INTENSIFIES AS VIRTUE SCORES CANADA GOLD!!

2010-02-23T02:15:00.001-07:00

Last night I wrote about concern over the health of Canadian Icon, Don "Grapes" Cherry after the Canadian Olympic hockey team fell to the United States in preliminary round action.

Well, that concern grows tonight after the Canadian Ice Dancing Team of "Virtue and Moir" (doesn't that sound like a cheeky line from an Austin Powers script? Virtue and Moi?) defeated an American Team and won the Gold Medal in Pairs Ice Dancing

Why would that bother a Canadaphile like Don Cherry you ask?

WELLLLLLLL.......you don't know Don Cherry do you?
Certain biases take precedence over love of country.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRm_K9OpYbo

and...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6HcWasZ1_8

Ice Dancing winning gold for Canada?
Women winning gold on the ice for Canada?
Women with the name of VIRTUE are winning Gold medals on the ice for Canada?

Oh Grapes....poor Grapes....please lower your head and join me in prayer for the health of Don Cherry.

IS DON CHERRY ON SUICIDE WATCH?

2010-02-21T23:34:00.015-07:00

Let me begin this missive by stating unequivocally that I LOVE DON CHERRY. I love his love of the game of hockey, I love his brash, outspoken, obnoxious, politically incorrect candor, I love his jingoistic patriotism, I love his sartorial splendor, I love his dedication and one-sided adulation of all things "CANADIAN" Hockey.

Here's a sample of Don's game from, of all places...Vancouver, 14 years ago.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cM2ja_ZFFy8

But my man, "Grapes", has gotta be down, WAY DOWN in the dumps right now.

As we all know, The USA defeated a far more talented Canada team today(the beauty of hockey is that a HOT goalie can beat anybody). That result, in and of itself, would not concern me so much about Don's health. Cuz stranger things have happened in the world of sports, indeed in hockey. See Lake Placid-1980.

One defeat at the hands of an American Team would normally never shake the unflappable Don Cherry and his fundamental religion that the game of hockey begins and ends within the east/west borders of the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, the 49th Parallel and St. Lawrence River to the south, and Santa's workshop up north.

But today's accomplishment by our home grown hockey players amounts to far more than "one victory" over Don's vaunted, beloved and unequalled Canadian Hockey superiority.

This win is the 3rd goal in what has become a "hat trick" of U.S. Hockey domination over Canadian Hockey .........IN ONLY 49 DAYS.

To whit:
1/On Jan. 4, an under 17 year old U.S. Team beat Team Canada in the finals of the World Under-17 Challenge.
2/On Jan 5, Team USA took the Gold Medal in the World Juniors, after a dramatic overtime win over Canada.
3/And then there was today's British Columbia Gem By The Ocean.

By way of comparison, consider that these results from the hockey world are akin to a football team from Canada coming down and defeating a High School squad made up of kids from Ohio, Pennsylvania, Texas, Florida and California.
Followed up by the University of Toronto winning the NCAA Basketball Championship.
Culminated by the Regina Red Sox defeating the New York Yankees. (yeah right, MAYBE... if they change their nickname).

In the span of 49 days.

Don Cherry has got to be, at best, in tears right now. I fear for his well-being. I'm not sure that the usually unflappable Grapes (of Wrath) can rebound from this Trilogy of Shakespearean Tragedy that has befallen the Canadian Hockey legacy.

Somebody....PLEASE....keep an eye on him.....I love the guy, and cannot fathom the prospect of dealing with his loss, much less witness him changing his ways.

Nevertheless, a really huge congratulations of beyond Mt. Olympus proportions must go out to the entire U.S. Hockey Program. At every level.....every player, every coach, every administrator and every hockey mom, who have all united to put a nice coat of lipstick on this under appreciated pig that we call hockey in the United States of America.

Just my opinion...From Two Time Zones Away.

(Yes, I realize we have a long way to go to win the Gold Medal, and Canada is not out of that picture yet......but today WAS REALLY FUN!!!).

....AND A PLAYER TO BE NAMED LATER.

2010-02-20T07:25:00.008-07:00

In 1972, Yankee left handed pitchers (lefties have always been a peculiar breed of ballplayer), Mike Kekich and Fritz Peterson rocked the baseball world, not to mention the prim and proper monuments of Yankee Stadium, by announcing an off-season trade that involved........
themselves.

They swapped wives. And families. And houses. And dogs. (DOGS!!! where the hell was PETA!?!?)
Much was made of that transaction back in 1972, but to the credit of Kekich and Peterson, the story, like all trashy stories, soon fell off of the media's radar (Pay attention Tiger). And to their further credit, Mike and Fritz went on to relatively successful lives outside of baseball after their pitching careers crashed in flames not long after the trade (quelle shock...too many distractions, perhaps?).

But very soon..... that infamous transaction is gonna be smack dab in the crosshairs of public scrutiny again.

Cuz notorious and boorishly outspoken Yankee hater Ben Affleck owns the rights to the story and has just announced that he is going to make a movie about it.
Oh B-O-Y.....I can't wait.
Ben Affleck, along with fellow BloSox fan Matt Damon, is doing a movie about the Yankees.
That's kinda like James Carville producing a GOP campaign video featuring Rosie O'Donnell and Susan Sarandon endorsing Dick Cheney.

And it's not simply a basic "baseball movie", say one that encompasses all of the feel good aspects of Field of Dreams or A League of Their Own, or one that tells a reasonably acceptable history story like Eight Me Out.
Nope.....Affleck will be doing a Yankee movie centered around pinstriped scandal, sex, and adultery.

No doubt this endeavor will be one of those rare moments of celluloid greatness and another shining manifestation of cinematic integrity.

Perhaps Michael Moore will simultaneously throw together a film about George Bush's college days and Affleck and Moore can package it in theaters as a doubleheader....call it the Birds of A Feather Tour.

Anyhow, I digress....the real reason for this blog entry, was so I could suggest some tacky, pithy Movie Titles for Mr. Affleck to consider for this pithy, tacky film venture...

And here they are:

"A League of Their Groan"

"Trading Laces"

"Two Balls, Two Strikes, Two On, Two Out".

"Now Coming Out Of The Bullpen...."

"Ground Rule Doubles".

"Relief Pitchers"

"...She Calls For Another Lefty!!"

"Second Round Draft Picks"

"One Means Fastball, Two Means Changeup"

Knock your socks (red) off Mr. Affleck....have a blast making this movie. With any luck, it will turn a better dime than the rest of the box office disasters you've produced in your career.
And even if it doesn't, at least you can gain some self satisfaction in wasting a lot of other people's money as part of a lifelong quest in overcoming your debilitating second place complex.
(Damn shame he never worked out a trade for JLo, and that she just moved on to bigger and better things, without Ben getting so much as an undisclosed amount of cash in return).

NBC's CURLING COVERAGE NEEDS HAIRSPRAY

2010-02-19T15:26:00.010-07:00

Top Ten Stuff Missing From NBC's Coverage of The American Curling Teams.

10/Cold frosty Leinenkugel's in the spare hands of American Curlers.

9/SAP translations for the Minnesotaspeak impaired. (dendaredonchano)

8/Sideline buffet tables featuring head cheese, pickled venison, walleye, lutefisk and a wild rice hot dish. With a "Man Vs. Food" segue of Keith Olbermann chomping down on Taconite Stew.

7/Post match coverage of raucous Polka Line Dancing parties.

6/Who wouldn't enjoy watching Rachel Maddow humming the words to "The Chicken Dance" at a Sven and Oly Karaoke Fundraiser for the teams?

5/Up Close + Personal stories about some really MinnesotaNice People.

4/Live "hometown crowd" shots from every bar named "The Mucky Duck Saloon" in Wisconsin and Minnesota during the matches.

3/Warmup music featuring the hard driving accordion riffes of "Cousin Fuzzy and The Squareheads".

2/Mary Richards and Lou Grant as sideline reporters.

1/Crowd shots showcasing Jessica Biel cheering on her homey's!!

WHERE DO I SIGN UP?

2010-02-14T21:46:00.007-07:00

The better part of the following ( I added some stuff) was lifted by me from a military.com website. I endorse it 100% and I (as well as a lot of my compadres) am ready to enlist, Mr. President....Where do we sign up?

I am over 50 and the Armed Forces think I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing assbackwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35

For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 88,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry. We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some fucker that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18 year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've watched a lot of war movies and haven't seen a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side in combat, nor did I ever see John Wayne do any pushups in the Pacific during WWII.

I can hear the Drill Sgt. in the New Army now: "Get down and give me ... er ... one!"

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never heard of anyone outrunning a bullet, not even Usain Bolt.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed-off old farts with an attitude and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. If nothing else, put us on border patrol...we'll have it secured the first night!

And thanks to this current recession Mr. President.....all I see while walking my dog at the park are other over 50 guys with nothing better to do, cuz there's a clear and distinct bias against older males in the current labor market.

We need something to do, and since many of us missed the Vietnam War, well, we're ready to go.

Whaddya say Mr. President?

Surely we can run a BX, keep the REMFS from stealing all the choice K-rations, slop shingle shit, manage software programs, and give the nurses a reason to stay away from the Marines......give us a shot!!!

A TIMID, STALE MORSEL OF INANITY

2010-01-25T12:20:00.033-07:00

Blog note... The following is an excerpt from a book, novel, primer I am assembling as a counterculture response to Bill O'Reilly's (no relation to my mother's side of the 505 clan) bestselling book: A Bold Fresh Piece of Humanity. (2 million weeks on the NYT Bestseller List? huh?)
A kind of Dark Side expose to what Bill O'Reilly didn't write about in his prose about the magnificence of a suburban Long Island childhood.

Many say that Mr. O'Reilly painted a masterpiece (subject to opinion....not mine) in recounting his formative years in the Swanson TV Dinner littered ghettoes of suburban Long Island during the 50's and 60's epoch. (Salisbury Steak with nuclear apple compote anyone?) As I read his gallimaufry between No-Doz supplements, I couldn't help but wonder why he left out so much of the good stuff. Consequently, I decided to take keyboard in hand in a pedestrian attempt at presenting a fair and balanced story. With appropriate amounts of poetic license.

Mr. O'Reilly and I have much in common- Irish Heritage, spawned within the blue collar working class South Shore of Long Island, Catholic Schools, same High School (he is 6 years older). A commonality that obligates me in my not so humble way to bloviate, and admittedly rip off his jejune by offering my own salmagundi and raillery about the formative years on Long Island in the 60's and 70's. An experience that did not launch your's truly nor millions(?) like me to the life of fame and fortune that Mr. O'Reilly has achieved. In effect, my intention is to produce a softcore Dante's Inferno to Bill O'Reilly's homogenized and pasteurized milk white Bold and Fresh portrayal of a 60's/70's Long Island upbringing.

In an obstreperous kind of way.

(Acknowledgement... Thanks go out to the online Bill O'Reilly dictionary for the big boy words used in the above introduction).

Anyhow..here's a sample....(unedited and at times unabridged to nowhere)

Chapter #TBD ---An Introduction to "The Morley Bus".

On the morning of September 2, 1969, fresh off The Summer of Love, Woodstock and Met's Fever (none of which applied to me...I was scared of girls, too young to appreciate Richie Havens, and above all, a Yankee fan), I bounded out the front door of my safe haven of 14 years for what was to become my daily schoolday pilgrimmage for the next 4 years of my life. A one third mile walk to my bus stop at the corner of Hicksville Road (RTE 107) and Brewster Gate.

I was embarking on a grand and daunting challenge. The previous spring, upon graduation from St. James Grammar School (the term "Elementary School" was not fashionable in NY in 1969), I had been accepted to what was arguably the finest High School on Long Island... Chaminade.. Where young boys became older boys and no girls were allowed. Acceptance to this institution of closer to higher learning was a huge accomplishment for a second generation Irish kid from the South Shore of Long Island. In 1969, the usual response from many people upon finding out about where you went to High School was "Owhhhhhhh....CHA-min-ade!?!?". (emphasize the nasal NY twang when you pronounce "Owhhhhh"). Indeed, in 1969, and even to this day, anyone who has ever been remotely affiliated with this high school will often "Play The Chaminade Card" whenever they need something or are just trying to impress those around them. It is a well established fact (cuz I have seen it) that too many otherwise rational people are convinced of the mystical powers of playing "The Chaminade Card" in everyday life, well beyond their High School years... as long as you limit use of it's purported magic to within the 516 or 631 area code. But to the credit of our greater humanity, it rarely works.

So as I apprehensively departed my house that morning, vintage 50's aluminum storm door slamming behind me because those greasy strutlike pneumatic door closers never worked very well, my psyche was 90% fear about where my life was headed. With nothing in hand except a first day of school brown bag lunch (Tuna sandwich, masterfully remixed by my grandmother from the dolphin murdering Bumble Bee oil packed tin can, and most likely a 3 pack sleeve of Yankee Doodles), I began my stroll to the bus stop, making sure to say hello as I always did to the miniature statue of the black stable guy holding a light sitting on the cement and brick staircase while passing the house of our neighbors, Sol and Pearl Goldfarb. (Yes, I am aware of the colloquial un-PC slur that was given to those those statues, but unlike Randall in Clerks II, I'm not taking it back).

Continuing past the Goldfarb's, the Nettler's and the Bohr's classic Levitt split-level homes, all now remarkably similar since everyone had been suckered into tearing off their attractive shake shingle exteriors in favor of aluminum siding during what was THE CLASSIC marketing campaign of the 60's, I made a right turn at the intersection of Wisconsin and Hastings. A T-intersection of streets that was our neighborhood home "field" for stickball games earlier in the decade. The lower part of the "T" intersection along Hastings was long, straight and treeless. Best of all, cars never parked there. It was one of those unintended consequences created by the development planners in the haste of the post war construction boom, as the adjoining housing plots were facing away from that stretch of the "T". I fondly reminisced about old Mr. Bohr, the owner of the home on one of the corners, who would often come out and involve himself in our games, as a pitcher for both teams, or an umpire or whatever. And laughed to myself as I remembered Mr. Bohr's Tourrettes-like staccato alarm-"K-K-K-K-K-K-K....AR!!", boisterously shouted to us as a warning to get out of the street in advance of an approaching car. But being kids, we always stayed close enough to each passing vehicle so we could slap the rear quarter panel as it went by. This was Massapequa afterall. Looking back, I suppose we were unknowingly paying some kind of existential homage to the original inhabitants of this area of Long Island by counting coup on our mounted enemies. How dare they interrupt our baseball game by driving through it.

I fretted that those carefree days were over. I was going off to Chaminade to become a Young Man.

Little did I know at that time, but what I was about to experience in the first of my daily 45+ minute bus rides (often longer...by devious design) to and from Chaminade for the next 4 years would wipe away far more of my youthful innocence than the 4 years of 6-10 hour days of indoctrination in Chaminade's "Fortes in Unitate" principles and comprehensive education. (Strength in Unity for those of you who are Latin impaired).

I arrived at the bus stop and was greeted by a fellow springtime alumni of St. James, Francis "Chip" Splain. Chip only lived 3-4 blocks away from me. Despite the common denominators of schools and neighborhood, I hardly knew Chip, and had most likely never even said more than hello to him prior to that first day at the bus stop. Keep in mind that this was post-war baby boom Long Island. There were probably 2-3 dozen or so other kids between my part of the neighborhood and Chip's, and since Chip didn't play many sports, (I had inaccurately prejudged him as a gearhead, a "greaser", because he was one of those kids always putting old lawn mower engines on Schwinn's and terrorizing mothers, toddlers and pets within the neighborhood) and he was always in a different class than I was at St. James. Our paths had very little reason to cross until that morning. But to my good fortune, this initial encounter with someone who was to be one of 350 classmates at Chaminade, resulted in a lifelong friendship. (sadly, the organic aspect of that friendship ended abruptly for us as Chip has moved on...RIP).

But there is no doubt in my mind that the shared 4 year experience of The Morley Bus was the cement in our bond.

After exchanging awkward and uncomfortable greetings, Chip and I stood on the corner awaiting our 7:25AM appointment with The Morley Bus. We had a non-virtual National Geographic channel in front of us as we watched Impalas, Roadrunners and Mustangs migrate north toward the feeding grounds of the Bethpage Plain where the occupants of these beasts provided sustenance to their herds with real jobs building F-14's, lunar modules and canoes at nearby Grumman (yes, there was a time in America when "business diversity" meant more than hiring minorities). And we stared blankly at the Esso Station across from us on Hicksville Road, oblivious to the long term global ramifications of the neatly uniformed full service attendant changing his pricing sign from 34.7 cents/gallon to 34.8 cents/gallon.

At that point Chip and I engaged in a ritual that is symptomatic of most 14 year old pubescent males during first encounters. We engaged in mutually uncomfortable conversation, i.e., trying to demonstrate an unquestionable platform of Trebekian general knowledge about all things in life, while simultaneoulsy doing everything possible to establish borders of alpha male dominance. And when it came to all things "Chaminade", Chip had an early and distinct advantage over me. His brother had graduated from Chaminade two years previously, but more importantly, his brother John was THE STAR football player at Chaminade during his four years, winning the prestigious "Thorpe Award" (Chaminade's Heisman Trophy) during his senior year. Although Chip could proudly stand on this higher level with me that morning, he would soon find out that being John Splain's younger brother was gonna get his ass kicked on The Morley Bus. To Chip's innocent misfortune, John had been a 4 year Morley Bus rider. And the freshmen and sophomores during John's junior and senior years on The Morley Bus were now the upperclassmen in possession of the upper hand over us in our version of that long running sitcom/reality show. Which quickly ended Chip's bragging about his brother in public, especially on The Morley Bus.

So when the aged (this was a private bus company) and standard bright yellow school bus arrived a little late that first morning, Chip and I were greeted by a less than jovial driver as he swung open the door without taking his eyes off the road in front of him. I upstaged Chip by boarding first. (I was bigger than Chip, everybody was bigger than Chip...While his brother John was a fire hydrant-like beefstick, Chip was clearly the runt of his and just about every other family). Upon boarding, I cleared my throat, but still gutturalled a cracking "hello" to our 1969 precursor of Morgan Freeman in Driving Miss Daisy. He gave me a brief glance, said nothing and looked to his left to review the rolodex of direction cards on his dashboard in search of the next stop. Although the look toward me was brief, it was long enough for me to recognize the story in his eyes that I had seen all too often at the caddy shack of Bethpage State Park in the early morning hours of my previous two summer jobs. He had eyes that were bloodshot and filled with residual alcohol.

So I brushed past him and without taking much notice of the other inhabitants of this artery to the heart of all things Chaminade, I spied one completely vacant seat about 5 rows from the front of the bus and fixed my attack on that target, thinking that my new friend Chip was close behind and would join me for the ride to school. Upon barely reaching the 4th row, I heard a deep manlike voice shout out from somewhere in the rear bowels of the bus.

"HEY!!! ARE YOU A FRESHMAN?" "uh, yeah" was my cracking reply while hardly looking up. "WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING FROSH?" "to this open seat?", I said while pointing to Row 5. "WRONG!! FRESHMEN IN THE FIRST 4 ROWS", was shouted at me in unison by most of the group leering at me like a pod of Orcas drifting in a nesting ground off the coast of Antarctica.

Wisely, I demonstrated some common sense beyond my years and decided to get a better handle on these new surroundings and it's inhabitants. The first four rows were filled with peach fuzzed kids that looked my age, each one properly attired in nice ties and white collared shirts with period flares and an occasional bell bottomed trouser. All comfortably sitting 2 to a seat, with the exception of the bench where a knowing Chip had already taken residence with 2 other freshmen to make it a very crowded looking three man ensemble. Beyond that, and toward the rear, was a smattering of 1-2 two man benches, with an occasional open row, populated with progressively larger disheveled and grizzled males (these guys were shaving? WTF did I get into?) as the rows progressed deeper and darker toward the emergency exit in the back.

At that point, I succumbed to the insecurity of size and age and quickly turned around to grab the edge of an already occupied bench seat across from a cockily smiling Chip. Score one for the little guy.

The Morley Bus was a private bus company contracted by Chaminade to provide student transportation from the eastern south shore and central parts of Nassau County (Amityville, Massapequa, Massapequa Park, North Massapequa , parts of Levittown and Hicksville) to the school each day, about 9 miles away. Annual cost to parents was about $400.00 a year (combined with tuition to Chaminade, total cost to parents for this upscale private education was about 1500-1800 a year....quite a deal by today's pricing structures, eh?). The bus route began at about 630AM in Amityville and snaked through residential and main streets, scheduled to get all of us to school by 8AM. One trip to school in the morning and then two trips home in the afternoon. The first homebound departure was right after classes, and then a second departure left at 6PM, to accommodate students with after school sports and activities.

If our parents only knew how their son's got their money's worth from this bus ride.

So the The Morley Bus proceeded north on Hicksville Road to pickup another St. James Alum, Kevin McLoughlin, who committed the same crime that I had just attempted, and like me, squeezed into another burgeoning seat full of freshmen, and then picked up about 5 or six other students, upperclassmen, which brought our population on the bus to about 50 students overall.

After the driver negotiated the route puzzle for the final student pickup from his rolodex cards (what a weapon those cards would become for us), we hit the main roads for what was usually and supposed to be...a straight 20 minute shot to Jackson and Emory Road in Mineola, home of Chaminade High School.

And on Sept 2, 1969, that's when the fun, and more importantly, the 4 year Chaminade sponsored (unintentionally) Morley Bus Education began.

"HEY YOU FRESHMAN" came the deep dark Earl Jones manlike voice from the rear of the bus. "WE'RE HUNGRY...WHAT DID YOUR MOMMIES MAKES US FOR LUNCH?"

To be continued....

With revelations of a 4 year "Catholic education and foundation" highlighted by Morley Bus rides that featured hazings, bus hijackings, 60 MPH rumbles within a rocking bus, beer, booze, guns, hookers, "yams", petty theft, Dunkin' Donuts, a micro-business manufacturing fake draft cards, death threats from bus drivers, and other experiences that the panjandrum Bill O'Reilly neglected to write about (or was sheltered from, or avoided at all cost) when he extolled all the aspects of a Catholic and virtuous "Chaminade Education".

And The Morley Bus Company and it's drivers, and especially the fine young "Chaminade Men" got away without every bit of it. No one was suspended, no one was expelled, no one was arrested, no driver was fired, (well, maybe "Albert Green", the longest tenured pistol brandishing bus driver we ever had who often told us "I luvs yas all, but I'd just as soon sees ya all dead"), a few drivers, nay a lot of drivers, quit, but no one was ever seriously maimed or injured. An education and foundation like no other... uh-huh.

To be continued......as soon as a literary agent discovers me, we dazzle and bamboozle a publisher, and get these true stories out in a reasonably priced paperback.

And it not's just The Morley Bus Story....but it could be. As one of my old classmates/Morley Bus Confederates told me awhile back on Facebook...."Are you kidding me 505?, The Morley Bus Story has enough material to make a full length film....with one or two sequels!!

Indeed, at our 25th High School reunion, about 5 of "The Morley Bus" alumni sat together and as my own "hard to impress" spouse said to me as we left..... "THAT was some of the most incredible High School stories I have ever heard, and some of the other spouses were clearly shocked and were in a constant state of jawdrop throughout the entire dinner listening to you guys. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a divorce or two after this".

"GTFO"

2010-01-08T23:36:00.030-07:00

The most difficult thing an effective leader can do is fire someone. You turn yourself into a one man accuser, judge, jury and executioner. You take on the role of God in whatever little realm you reign over. And God never published a handbook on how to deal with inflicting anguish on others.

Human Resource Manuals give you all kinds of cutesy language to utilize, but c'mon... there's no brand of confectioners sugar available that can coverup the fact that you are telling another human being that they suck, they are no longer welcome on the island, and that their short term financial well being is gonna need some help.....somewhere else.

It's painful. I know. I've done it. In fact, there's a damn good chance that this will be read by someone I fired. I never got any pleasure out of firing anyone. Cuz thanks to our guilt ridden Judeo-Christian heritage, firing someone inevitably sparks an acid reflux in our conscience. (Ari Gold and George Clooney's Up in The Air notwithstanding).

But therein lies a difference (one of many) between overseeing and leading.

Leaders, real leaders step up and do the dirty work. Because dirty work is essential to the success of organizations.....and Governments. More importantly, it is vital that during times of difficulty, that leaders make a statement illustrating who is in charge as well as reemphasizing organizational responsibilty and direction. Good leaders take advantage of dysfunctional stretches to reinforce to everyone within the structure that inferior performance is not acceptable. And sometimes that means getting some kind of weight off of the ship, even if it's not listing , if for no other reason than to show that they are not gonna allow anything to endanger the voyage.

Okay...sorry...had a flashback to Mel Zimet's 301 class on Business Leadership that I attended on occasion in college. (Mel once singled me out in class by saying "Thank you 505, at least SOMEONE is reading the textbook"..... I didn't even have the textbook...But I digress).

I give you The Honorable Barack Obama, 44th President of The United States...LEADER of the Free World. (Quelle Shock?)

Barry has had a tough Holiday Season and New Year.

A lot of things have gone wrong recently. And there's certainly enough blame to go around. Some of it (consider this my bone to the wingnuts who read this) can even be thrown back on the Bush Administration.

But to resurrect a phrase from a former President (who had his share of goofs)

"Let's Make One Thing Perfectly Clear".

A lot of people working within Barry's jurisdiction have done some major screwing up lately. If not in actions, at least in words.

Janet Napolitano- "the system works"
Michael Leiter- Went skiing in Colorado the day after the BVD bomber
Eric Holder- Never mind the 9/11 trials in NYC...a rumor is now circulating that even Barry was questioning the logic in allowing the BVD bomber to lawyer up during the WH meeting this week.
Hillary Clinton- Let's not forget that it was one of her Embassies that got the call from Dad. (BTW, props to Hillary for sneaking Bill's Stealth, Teflon-stain resistant?- bodysuit into the State Department so far).
Who have I missed?

So what's my point?

Barry, from one manager to another, cut the nice guy routine. A whole bunch of people within your organization and around the country will have more respect for you if you grow a pair and fire someone.

You are making a great case for the Republican Campaign rhetoric that you never lead or managed any kind of organization in your life, so how can anyone trust you to lead the Free World? If you can't fire someone, how can we expect you to tell Putin to Piss Off?

I don't buy the argument that "firing for firing's sake" is not worthy. Bullshit, people have screwed up here. Yeah it may be "systemic", but guess what? The "system" is not some inanimate entity. People make up the system and people either make it work or make it fail.

Hell Barry, if you're uncomfortable doing the dirty deed, bring Jeremy Piven into the Oval Office to do it for you. Pick a name out of a hat. Show the country who's in charge. You have enough candidates. Hire one of your Hollywood buds to write the script, bring in Ari, sit back, enjoy the show.....and take notes on how it's done. Even the Dreaded Bush had the cajones to fire the Reviled Rumsfeld.

And stop trying to be Trumanesque by feeding us crap about "The Buck Stops Here". You haven't put enough time in the Oval Office to carve your initials into the mahogany yet, much less hide behind Truman's desk sign.

From where I sat, two time zones away, you looked more like Jim Carrey than Harry S when you said that this week. The Buck? Shoot the damn thing before it gets too close to you.

Wait a sec.....Harry Truman?!?! Wasn't he the guy that had the backbone and moxie to fire Douglas MacArthur? The self absorbed divinity who considered himself "The One", long before Oprah's mother let out a couple of stitches on the family Christening dress?

C'mon Barry....check the replay... give this some further review, send it to the booth.

Cuz all you've done this week is reinforce that old adage "Good Enough For Government Work". That's not what this country, or your Presidency, needs right now.

And that's just my opinion.

"NOW FRIENDS"

2010-01-06T09:54:00.022-07:00

Okay, so I haven't blogged here in awhile. Call it writer's block, call it preoccupied with too many other things (like Christmas and family and ham roll ups and goop), call it spending too much time on Facebook fending off the senseless drivel of left wingnuts hellbent on ruining this Great American Experiment. I probably missed out on a whole bunch of year-end material to satirize and poke fun at. I'm blaming the holidays.
I like Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Like all good holiday revelers and members of Congress, I simply avoided the proper exercising (exorcizing?) of this fertile, finely tuned PED, nicotine and alcohol enhanced brain.

Sue me....or just continue to ignore me.

But speaking of Facebook. Since joining it over a year ago, I have always been intrigued (mystified) by one sociological aspect of it. Whenever you locate an old or recent friend and make the ultimate cyberspace connection..... i.e. "friending" them, Facebook posts a short message on your profile that says something like..."Islander505 and Barack Obama are now friends".
(Stop chortling wingnuts..it COULD happen.......who knows....What's stopping me from sneaking into a State Dinner and dazzling Michelle with my ham roll ups? Or my newest recipe....Baked Napolitano...a tasty little hot air puffed, sugar glazed pastry that collapses when brought out of the oven....but works).

That short statement by Facebook always creates a temporary dilemma within my short attention span deficit....."NOW friends"???

Especially when I "friend" with folks I have known since..well..... LBJ murdered JFK, I Dreamed of Jeannie's navel, Nixon popularized plumber's butt cracks, a college roommate told me I wouldn't have the mental stability to handle LSD (huh? Good advice Mike, but..how do YOU spell dichotomy?), moved to Cleveland...twice, earned the nickname "The Tundra Thumb", figured out that Reagan's "1981 Tax Cut" was a fraud, and then spent 20+ years withdrawing from a 'til then life of decadence by fulfilling the role of spouse and parent.

So upon "friending" someone, and seeing the Facebook wedding bann (interesting and prescient combination of words, no?) pop up on my profile...I always ask myself (btw, I'm comfortable with the diagnosis that continually asking oneself the same question is the 3rd and final "Speed Limit Ahead" sign on the road to insanity) ....

....If we are "now friends", what the hell were we before Facebook?

But then I think to myself, "Self....it's your own fault for never putting the relationship you had with these people into words".
Even though that thought, and the apparent need for it, never crossed my mind before the Facebook phenomena.
So I'm not gonna worry about it, or give it serious thought, until V99.5 of the Facebook software comes out.

Perhaps by then, Facebook will provide some icons that offer "friend qualifiers" you can click on to categorize each "now friend"

In the meantime here's my (belated) Christmas/New Year's Gift to Facebook.
A list of "Now Friends" qualifying icons that they can (and should) link to the perplexing profile comment that comes up whenever folks friend up.

"Now Friends"... because..

Just met, we'll see.
Cut classes and got drunk together in college
Don't really know (insert gender), but I kinda like their picture.
We were conceived in the same sleazy motel on State Road 169 in (insert year).
Had a fistfight with in High School, but shook hands afterwards.
Has a lot of hot pictures of (insert gender) on their friends list, I enjoy lurking the pictures.
Had sex with during a rainy, Tequila fogged night 27 years ago..we agreed to be friends then...so here we are again...hmmm, where's my Cuervo?.
Writes funny comments on my other friend's profiles.
Since we're related, I s'pose we have to be friends too.
I really hate this prick, but I'm trying to hit triple figures on my friends list.
His wife really liked my ham roll ups, and the Baked Napolitano worked for the Secret Service and the White House Party Police.

NEXT STOP? BROADWAY AND 168TH ST (CHANGE FOR THE LOCAL)

2009-11-22T10:12:00.031-07:00

Two months ago I offered an alternative to the latest travel industry bandwagon product that featured a walking tour of Obama's Honolulu.

Right Here...http://islander505.blogspot.com/2009/09/vote-for-505-in-twenty-twelve.html

Now, another "Obama Walking Tour" has reared it's head in another one of my old stomping grounds, New York City.

Right Here.... http://www.dailyherald.com/story/?id=338625&src=330

For $25.00 ($15.00 for children 12 and under) a tourist is offered "A two-hour walking tour including stops at Columbia University, a Harlem subway station, and the street where the man who now sleeps in the White House once slept in an alley for a night". And I got a real kick out of this... "...Miller ends the tour by hopping on the No. 1 train"...

That's it? This is where "Barry the boy, became Barack the man?"

Pshaw.

THE 505 WALKING TOUR OF NYC

A 12 hour tour (or longer), where "516 the boy, became 212... an older boy".

$15.00...no children under the age of reason allowed.

This extensive tour of the Bronx and Manhattan features a panorama of what life was like in NYC between 1973 through 1977 when a young 505 matriculated at Manhattan College (and worked his way through school thanks to some "non-government sponsored bullshit jobs").

The tour begins once a week at 242nd St and Broadway (the terminus of the #1 Subway Train) on the campus of Manhattan College. We'll initially follow the route that 505 and his future roommate/lifelong buddy took on their first day of college. A short stroll from the main campus to nearby Van Cortlandt Park. While the rest of the freshman class was attending welcome seminars and speeches, 505 and his friend spent the day golfing in the Park. (paid for 9 holes, played 18). "So this is college".

Following a bucket of balls at the range, we'll head back to 242nd Street and Broadway for a kickoff cocktail at each of the bars that sat underneath the elevated subway platform. Special "beer and schnappes" prices have been negotiated with The Green Leaf, The Pinewood and The Terminal Bar (or whatever their names are now). As my new roommate had declared so often, "My final selection of a college to attend was based upon how many bars were within walking distance."

505 didn't realize it then, but that statement was all I needed to know about both Sociology and Logic 101.

Climb the stairs and board a specially restored "70's #1 Train", completely graffitied both inside and out, littered with Daily News front pages showcasing headlines from the era such as "FORD TO CITY-DROP DEAD!!" and "SON OF SAM STRIKES AGAIN!!", as well as strategically located pools of human urine on the floor of the subway cars. In train entertainment will be provided by 4 foot long Ghetto Blasters featuring the tuneage of Eddie Kendricks and ABBA.

Sit back and enjoy the hour long ride, as we are headed all the way downtown. Gaze out the spray can tinted windows of the subway car as we cross high above the Harlem River (I KNOW Barack could've walked on that water in the 70's) and view the broken glass infields where Manny Ramirez played during his youth. Enjoy the people watching deep underground at the 168th St. station, where we could now change and catch an express downtown. But in the 70's no white kid would leave the comfort of this local train and run a gauntlet through what was then a multilayered platform of economic and racially charged hatred in order to save a few minutes.

Laugh out loud at the 42nd St station as your host recounts a Mad March evening in 1977 when a full #1 Train (8 cars--about 500-700 mostly males) of Manhattan College students jumped off one stop early and streaked the last 9 blocks down 7th Avenue to 33rd street and Madison Square Garden. Where the Jaspers and archrival Fordham Rams (rams eat shit) were renewing their basketball rivalry. (505 stole the Ram mascot's head that night, but was captured with it by Garden security before reaching the safety of the student body, at least they let me stay and watch the game!! cuz 505 learned early in life that it's "who" you know...one of the security guards recognized me as a vendor who worked there).

Disembarking at the Chambers Street Station, we'll tour the City Hall area-- taking note of the towering dormitory of Pace College...it casts a long shadow over City Hall. 505 spent many a night shadow dancing in that dorm with an old girlfriend after spending too many dollars in a nearby Blarney Stone Pub. We'll have lunch in Chinatown at Wo Hop, while carefully stepping over indigents sleeping in the stairwell area (Barry? is that you? you're in the wrong part of town!). Be careful not to slip down the stairs as we enter this basement hovel. Dining in Chinatown in the 70's was a true life lesson...It demonstrated that washing one's hands before a meal is greatly overrated.

Following lunch we'll reboard our #1 Train and head back up to 34th Street. We'll hang out for awhile by the employee entrance at Madison Sq. Garden, where 505 spent many an evening hoping to be selected to sell beer or soda or ice cream for an event at the Garden. Keep an eye out for modern day Walt Fraziers and Dave Debusscheres (who often sat and chatted with us vendors in the stands pre-game while enjoying his ritual 2 cups of coffee) and Circus Clowns (not to be confused with the hockey team that put on their act there as well).

A short walk up to 42nd St and 5th Avenue ensues. Now thirty years later, you can still score a Rolex for $10.00 on the way, proving ONCE AGAIN that small business is the pulse and the timing belt for the economic engine of America.

We'll tour Bryant Park behind the NYC Public Library, current home to Project Runway's Fashion Week. In the 70's it was always fashionable to score a "loose joint" in what was then a Midtown Turkish Bizarre World. Scratch around in the dirt, like the pigeons do, and perhaps you will find some of the residue of the 70's that helps NYC pigeons soar higher than their counterparts in other locales. And perhaps why Michael Kors always wears sunglasses while watching the models during the final show.

Window shopping along 5th Avenue is in order, as 505 recalls his summer of '73 as a 16 year old messenger for Kentnor Corporation, an umbrella corporation for trendy 5th Avenue shops, and all of the beautiful women he encountered while delivering the mail and 40K trinkets for stores like Cartier, Valentino's and Georj Jensen. YOWSER. Quite an experience for a hormonal young boy who had just spent 4 years as a student in an all male High School. Unfortunately, cougars were on the endangered list in the nouveau chic, environment conscious period of the 70's....sigh.

After dinner and rousing Irish Music in Connolly's in Midtown (it wasn't around in the 70's, but hey..ya' know?), we'll reboard our specially outfitted #1 train at 42nd St and do what any subway derelict does on a ride to the end of the line... pass out snoring.

Back at 242nd St and the end of the tour. Special rates will be available for those needing a bed for the night in Manhattan College's Overlook Dormitory. (A supplemental showcase tour in itself). Complimentary bacon and egg breakfast sandwiches (on poppy seed rolls...like you have to worry about a pee test at this point?) included the following morning from a local deli.

Now. I ask everyone....what's up with these BORING Obama City Tours?

Too bad Barack never ran his game in Alaska...

Perhaps Sarah and I can put together a Spenard Edition.

LINCOLN LETTER GENERATES OUTRAGE!!

2009-11-20T07:19:00.008-07:00

A recently discovered letter written by Abraham Lincoln (which generated 3.4 million dollars at an auction) to a group of 195 children has generated a firestorm of angst and protest from the Nation's Media and Pundits.

In the letter, Mr. Lincoln, a Republican from a small town in the last frontier state of Illinois, responded to the school children's request to "free all the slave children in the country".

Mr. Lincoln replied:

""Please tell these little people I am very glad their young hearts are so full of just and generous sympathy, and that while I have not the power to grant all they ask, I trust that they will remember that God has, and that, as it seems, He wills to do it."

Reaction to Mr. Lincoln's response, in particular his reference to "God's Will" was immediate and furious.

MSNBC's Chris Matthews..."How does Lincoln know what God wants? Does he talk to him?".

Keith Olbermann called Lincoln a "clear and present danger to the nation", and continued "we don't need another Elmer Gantry, I think God has better things to do".

Rachel Maddow followed up the smirking by saying "If Lincoln believes that God will free the slaves, American voters will react with WTF!!, and besides if God was really working on this issue, wouldn't he be better at it than Mr. Lincoln? I'm pretty sure that you cannot pray away slavery".

Sally Quinn of the Washington Post commented..."How did God work in Lincoln's life?", and suggested Lincoln shouldn’t complain about what God did to him through say, John Wilkes Boothe.

In an editorial, the New York Times suggested that Lincoln would be better off prostrating himself at the feet of the Monarchs of England and France, and seeking their guidance on the slavery issue, rather than beseeching a god that probably doesn't exist.

David Letterman generated his own firestorm of anger by suggesting in his monologue that Colonel Abner Doubleday of the Union Army was told by God to have sex with Mrs. Lincoln.

SNL writers immediately put together a skit featuring John Belushi, Chris Farley, Gilda Radner and Phil Hartman entertaining God while Mr. Lincoln's text messages were ignored by the enraptured deity.

Finally, Bill O'Reilly of Fox News admonished Mr. Lincoln for his veiled agnosticism and warned him to pick a Church and balanced (fairly) that admonishment by offering Mr. Lincoln a complimentary "St. Peter Welcomes You" doormat if he joined the Catholic Church.

Sean Hannity let Mr. Lincoln know that he once played God in a school play and is still capable of being Him, and Glen Beck wrote the entire Baltimore Catechism (from memory) on a chalkboard for the benefit of Mr. Lincoln and invited him to use the direct phone line in his studio to call God.

No reaction from Mr. Lincoln, who was last seen climbing a mountain on the back of a Lama in Nepal, as witnessed by Sarah Palin from her bedroom window, who was modeling the latest in running attire while simultaneously carving the eyes out of a burglar carrying Newsweek credentials.

QUOTES FROM A "RIGHT WING RADICAL"

2009-11-19T00:16:00.004-07:00

"I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as the greatest of dangers. To preserve our independence, we must not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt."

"The principle of spending money to be paid by future generations, under the name of funding, is but swindling futurity on a large scale."

"I hope [that] we shall crush in its birth the aristocracy of our monied corporations which dare already to challenge our government to a trial by strength and [to] bid defiance to the laws of our country."

"I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them.”

“I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies.”

"A wise and frugal government, which shall leave men free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor any bread it has earned- this is the sum of good government."

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not."

PROJECT WRONGWAY

2009-11-14T16:13:00.008-07:00

A PICTORIAL OF AMERICAN MUGSHOTS

HAUTE COUTURE 2009.

THE AUDACITY OF (CAN'T SAY) NOPE

FRIDAY THE 13TH STRIKES!!!

2009-11-14T02:51:00.003-07:00

OBAMA....YOU'RE KILLING ME

These pricks are gonna be tried with the same rights as a U.S. Citizen? In New York?

Is Tony Soprano in the house?

Gotti?

Gambino?

Can we start with a wax for the hairball pictured above and use 20 year old scotch tape?

WTF IS GOING ON IN THIS COUNTRY!?!?!?!

FRIDAY THE 13TH..STAY IN BED

2009-11-13T10:32:00.013-07:00

7 PEOPLE WHO SHOULD STAY IN BED TODAY

UNM student athlete (can you keep those two words in context America?) Elizabeth Lambert. Two weeks ago she was just an average 20 year old college kid, playing Division I soccer to get herself through school. Today, thanks to a selective lowlight reel put together by a homer team video crew, an American Media that places more importance on sensationalism than journalistic integrity (I know, an oxymoron in 2009) and a nation (nay, WORLD) of fellow citizens who apparently have never played a competitive team sport, she has replaced Sarah Palin as the most reviled woman on the North American continent. The Pedro Martinez takedown of Don Zimmer did not receive near as much vile commentary from so many ratholes in the media and the overall population. And at least Zimmer had enough class to come out and say that he was partly to blame for Pedro's actions. (and may God now forgive me for mentioning soccer and baseball in the same paragraph).
The children of Robert and Mayumi Heene. The "balloon boy" parents who just replaced Jon and Kate Gosselin as the dumbest parents in America with their horrific attempt at a stupid nursery school prank.
Anyone who has bothered to read (which means no one who votes in Congress) Nancy Pelosi's ONE THOUSAND NINE HUNDRED AND NINETY PAGE Health Care Reform Act. Clearly, Ms. Pelosi has never had a KISS and never learned how to Keep It Simple Stupid. After 239 years, the Constitution is still only 17 pages long.
The Public Relations Director at the University of New Mexico. Who in the last 90 days has had to engage in yeoman's work in defending the school after a brand new football coach was accused of sexual harassment by an athletic office employee during his first week on the job, then had to find rose colored glasses after ESPN's (Inside The Lines) coverage of the same coach punching an assistant coach, followed up by a subsequent firestorm directed against the school's President for attempting to coverup the story, and most recently the nasty little Youtube video about the aforementioned Ms. Lambert. So much for "Land of Enchantment", eh Mr. PR Director?
The couple in Phoenix, Arizona who's house was placed in foreclosure and sold by Chase, even though they were current on their mortgage. I'd stay in bed today if I were them, just be aware that they may have company.
Every resident of Philadelphia. Not only was their baseball team WAXED by the New York Yankees, but the residents just earned Travel and Leisure Magazine's bottom ranking for "Least Attractive People" for the 3rd year in a row. Chase Utley's hairdo notwithstanding. (But something tells me the Brotherly Lovers relish the designation).
The residents of Budaors, Hungary. Who's entire police force (15 officers) walked off their jobs the minute they won a 16 million dollar lottery. Oh, to own a donut shop in Budaors.

And finally, here's a shoutout to someone whom I was happy to see didn't stay in bed this morning.

The layout editor for the local newspaper in the 505.

While perusing the morning rag (locally known as the Albuquerque Urinal), I came across a rare article indeed. The much maligned New Mexico Education system was cited as "above average" in a report issued by the U.S. Chamber of Commerce (and in case you miss the irony-or the favor- in that, our Governor Bill Richardson was SUPPOSED to be in charge of that same USCoC for Obama, until Bill ran into a little "corruption and graft" issue here in the 505).

But the real beauty of that story? Right beneath the article was another story which followed up the plight of a local High School baseball coach and teacher. Who was fired a few months ago for purchasing strippers for some of his student athletes while on a road trip.

"Above Average Education"....fersure.

THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD...

2009-11-11T09:53:00.002-07:00

On this Veterans Day in 2009, we are all turning our attention, rightfully so, to the millions of men and women who have answered the call to duty (past and present) in defense of our nation. But the respect and honor that we give to these brave people should not stop with them. Oftentimes, the greater burden of military service is placed on the shoulders of those left behind..their families.

Say hello to "Ken". Ken works the midnight shift at the 7/11 not far from my house in the 505. I visit Ken once or twice a week, late at night, to purchase a pack of what will be my eventual downfall of life experience on this earth.

Ken is in his mid-60's, honest, hardworking, and is no doubt building up an incredibly worthless retirement fund thanks to his employment at 7/11.
But he loves his job. And who can't admire anyone for that?

Ken wears the same baseball cap to work every night. It's one of those Navy baseball caps that you see around port cities like San Diego, Newport News, Honolulu, Manila, ..etc... caps that have the name and the image and ID number of a ship on it.

Ken's cap says "USS INDIANAPOLIS".

I know a little about U.S. Military History.

So one late night, when the cops weren't around collecting their free donuts drying out underneath the heat lamp, in between busting joyriding teenagers and setting up their DWI checkpoints, I asked Ken what he knew about the U.S.S. Indianapolis.

"A lot", he said. "My Father served on the Indianapolis".

I asked...."Really? Odd, you appear to be too old to have had a father serve on it" (nice one 505.....try something novel next time and THINK before you open your mouth).

Being too nice a guy to give me a dirty look after my faux pas, he smiled and replied that his mother was pregnant with him when the ship was struck by Japanese torpedos after delivering the atomic bomb for a test drop on Hiroshima.

For those of you who don't know the story about the Indianapolis, it took 4 days after the sinking of the Indianapolis for the U.S. Navy to figure out that they had a cruiser missing. In the meantime about 900 initial survivors (out of a crew of 1100) of the ship fought dehydration and sharks while floating around freely in the ocean, with nothing but life preservers. The sharks were the bigger of the battle....and the sharks won more often than not. When rescuers arrived on the scene, roughly 300 of the original crew had survived.

So I asked Ken....

"Did your dad make it home?"

Ken replied...

"He's still at sea"

Bucking up and trying to remain stoic, I hugged him and blessed him for keeping the faith alive in the middle of the desert with that small tribute that he wears EVERY night during his shift at 7/11.

Now each time I visit Ken, I have now a good reason to reflect about my dad. The U.S. Marine who was fortunate enough to come home from the Pacific. Dad was lucky....really, really lucky. He got pulled out of a graduation day exercise on Parris Island after some Colonel recognized him as the 505 Senior who played baseball in the Yankee organization prior to enlistment. And he asked my dad if he'd be interested in playing on the Marine Corps intra-service team..alongside Major League players like Ted Williams (briefly) and Jerry Coleman. So when my dad's company shipped off to the Pacific, dad got off the ship in Hawaii while the rest of his boot camp buddies headed west, thinking that they were gonna be involved in quartermaster duties for 3-4 months. Except that they were really headed for Tarawa, and my dad's company was part of the first wave of invaders. And out of his boot camp platoon of 20 or so Marines, 3 survived the landing, and one of them committed suicide a year later.

So thanks to meeting Ken, I got to thinking what life would have been like for my brother, who was born in 1944, if my dad didn't come home. (Never mind my younger sister and I, who knows if our specific eggs would have ever been fertilized).
Would my brother have turned out to be the ambitious white collar entrepreneur if may father had not come home? Or would he have been content and happy enough to wear a "Battle of Tarawa" T-Shirt to his shift as a cab driver in NYC every night?

And I'm not saying that's there's anything wrong with being a cab driver or a midnight shift clerk at a local 7/11. I am a firm believer that life is too short to worry about inane details like your standing in the economic caste system of life. It's more important to be happy, whatever you do.

But I think it's important to remember on this Veteran's Day that it's not just the actual people who served our nation that we need to honor, but also those who were left behind...especially those who carried on without a father, a mother, an uncle, a grandfather etc.

Because their sacrifices and losses and the memories they carry are no less honorable.

I think I'll need a pack of ciggies tonight.

And I'm gonna pickup a flower or something to give to Ken.

SPEAKING OF EMMETT ASHFORD

2009-11-06T11:30:00.016-07:00

Yesterday, I made a reference to Emmett Ashford, a former Major League Umpire (American League), who was the first Black Man to umpire in Professional Baseball, indeed the first Black American to umpire in the Major Leagues .

And while Jackie Robinson has been properly honored for breaking down the color barrier in Major League Baseball in 1947, (nudging out Larry Doby who joined the Cleveland Indians of the American League 11 weeks after Robinson's debut) I started wondering where the honors are for Emmett Ashford? The man who broke down an equally Berlin Wall type of racial inequality by becoming the first Black Umpire in the Major Leagues nearly 20 years after Robinson and Doby made a major league lineup. Which didn't happen for Ashford until 1966, after breaking into the minors in 1952. (How long does it take to develop a strike zone?)

And never mind why it took Emmett nearly 14 years after his minor league debut to garner a spot in the bigs as an umpire. I am certain that someone could get a PH.D filling in the blanks on that 1950's Americana and Baseball Social Commentary.

But how come there are no monuments or statues of Emmett Ashford? Why isn't he in some kind of Hall of Fame? Cuz he was "just an umpire"? who only worked in the Majors for 5 years? (bullshit, I say)

I remember watching Emmett Ashford when I was just a spongy pubescent kid in the late 60's. He was great. Let me say that again, he was great. Not because he was a good umpire or the first black man umpiring in the Major Leagues, ( I had my fill of racism every night on the evening news with riots and water hoses and snarling German Shepherds) but Emmett Ashford was a throughly entertaining umpire to watch. He put flair and pizzazz into the otherwise Black and White performance of Major League Umpiring. You could say he singlehandedly put a rainbow of color into my B+W television set every time he appeared during a Yankee game on WPIX Channel 11. Indeed, we kids often imitated him in the schoolyards as much as we imitated The Mick, or Say Hey or even The Scooter or "Huh-Ho" Bob Murphy on the airwaves.

In a nutshell (my favorite place to be)....watching Emmett Ashford call balls and strikes or work the bases during a game was like watching Joe Cocker warmup for a Mixed Martial Arts demonstration.

I wonder if Emmett ever knew how much of an icon he was to kids of all races and colors in the 60's?

Emmett Ashford may not have been the best, nor even nearly the best umpire in the Major Leagues during his 5 year stint, (he HAD to retire in 1970, having exceeded that maximum age of 56 for umpiring) but there is no doubt that he was the most fun to watch.

But that's not why Emmett Ashford should be in some kind of Hall of Fame. And I agree that it shouldn't be.

40+ years later I look back and wonder what kind of life he lived chasing the dream of getting from the minors to the majors. Jackie Robinson and Larry Doby and a battalion of Black Baseball Players had it rough, sure, no argument. But at least they ALWAYS had at least one or two or more people rooting for them in the stands and on the streets.

Who roots for an umpire? Everybody HATES the umpire, (KILL the Umpire?) regardless of their color, but moreso I imagine, if you were Emmett Ashford working in small town white America in the 50's.

Every umpire has probably feared for his safety on more than one occasion. But I gotta wonder if Emmett Ashford had to do that on a daily basis.

And for that reason alone, Emmett deserves some kind of Lifetime Achievement Honor.

And that's just my opinion.

27 YEARS THAT SHOOK THE WORLD

2009-11-04T23:06:00.022-07:00

1923-Yankees win Championship. Ireland joins the League of Nations after The Moderation League of New York becomes part of the movement for the Repeal of Prohibition in the United States.

1927- Yankees win Championship. The Holland Tunnel opens to traffic as the first Hudson vehicular Tunnel linking New Jersey to New York City. The Soprano Trucking and Garbage Pickup business expands to Northern New Jersey.

1928- Yankees win Championship. Mickey Mouse appears in Steamboat Willie, the first sound film from Walt Disney. Great Grandma Ima "BigMouth" Rollins provides the voiceover for Mickey, promising to do at least 5 more films....6 if she's nice.

1932- Yankees win Championship. Tata Airlines (later to become Air India) makes its first flight. Tata opens the first call center in Delhi, employing 4,000 locals, all have the same first name of Patel.

1936- Yankees win Championship. Construction of the Hoover Dam is completed. FDR supporters, reeling from 4 years of Economic Depression and led by radio show host Keith Olberman Sr. fail in their attempt to name the structure "Dam Hoover".

1937- Yankees win Championship. Ernest Hemingway's novel "To Have and Have Not" is first published. 72 years later it becomes a best seller on the winter reading list for all Philadelphians.

1938- Yankees win Championship. Krispy Kreme opens it's first store. A woman by the name of Cecilia Sabathia is the first customer.

1939- Yankees win Championship. Sit-down strikes are outlawed by the Supreme Court. Ryan Howard's grandfather stands and applauds, as he was growing weary of sitting down so often after strikes.

1941- Yankees win Championship. The breakfast cereal Cheerios is introduced by General Mills. In a attempt to usurp breakfast leader Wheaties, a sonogram of the unfertilized egg that would become Derek Jeter is featured on the first box cover.

1943- Yankees win Championship. The alleged Philadelphia Experiment, in which a U.S. destroyer escort was to be rendered invisible to human observers was conducted in what was to later become the current location of the Phillies bullpen in Citizens Bank Park.

1947- Yankees win Championship. In NYC, Edwin Land demonstrates the first "instant camera". Major League Baseball Umpires stage a sitdown strike in protest. The strike fails when black and white video replays determine that the umpires sat down out of position.

1949- Yankees win Championship. Los Angeles receives its first recorded snowfall. Area hospitals are overwhelmed with nasal and sinus inflammations brought on by "severe inhalation".

1950- Yankees win Championship. Senator Estes Kefauver introduces a resolution calling for an investigation of organized crime in the United States. Major League Baseball owners memorize the Reserve Clause, while shredding all written documentation.

1951- Yankees win Championship. Nuclear testing at the Nevada Test Site begins with a 1-kiloton bomb dropped on Frenchman Flat, northwest of Las Vegas. In Paris, the government surrenders to Frank Sinatra's Rat Pack.

1952- Yankees win Championship. Emmitt Ashford becomes the first black umpire in organized baseball. His first call at 1st base....is wrong.

1953- Yankees win Championship. The Crucible, a drama by Arthur Miller, opens on Broadway. Casey Stengel, Ralph Houk, Billy Martin, Bob Lemon and Yogi Berra tryout for the lead role.

1956- Yankees win Championship. Fidel Castro and his followers land in Cuba in the boat "Granma". Granma returns to Florida with 16 pitchers, 12 shortstops and 27 outfielders

1958- Yankees win Championship. The first International House of Pancakes opens in Toluca Lake, Calif. A woman by the name of Cecilia Sabathia is the first customer.

1961- Yankees win Championship. President Kennedy announces plans to place a man on the moon by the end of the decade. Nick Swisher's dad, Steve, volunteers to be the first.

1962- Yankees win Championship. A 114 day newspaper strike begins in New York City. Mets and Yankees rejoice.

1977- Yankees win Championship. Fleetwood Mac releases the album "Rumors". Two year old Alex Rodriguez breaks out in hives when his parents play the album

1978- Yankees win Championship. Pete Rose gets his 3,000th hit. Sports Books in Las Vegas declare a one day commemorative holiday.

1996- Yankees win Championship. In Philadelphia, a panel of federal judges blocks a law against indecency on the internet. Shane Victorino's video "How to Bunt a Baseball" is the first new release on youtube.

1998- Yankees win Championship. Osama Bin Laden publishes a fatwa, declaring jihad against all Jews and Crusaders. Bill Clinton orders more cigars, Al Gore googles fatwa and jihad, and Yeshiva and Holy Cross Universities go into a 30 day lockdown.

1999- Yankees win Championship. Pluto moves along its eccentric orbit further from the Sun than Neptune. Cole Hamels develops two new pitches.

2000- Yankees win Championship. Met Fans......oh, why bother.

2009- Yankees win Championship. Barack Obama creates new cabinet position. Names Ozzie Guillen "Czar of Baseball".

DON DRYSDALE AND BOB GIBSON

2009-11-03T12:13:00.004-07:00

PLEASE REPORT TO THE YANKEE PITCHING STAFF

Somebody on the Yankee pitching staff has got to knock Chase Utley on his ass. Or do what the Phillies have done to A-Rod three times so far.... and plant one in his ribs.

Cuz Chase Utley is well on his way to singlehandedly (with some help from Cliff Lee) leading the Phillies to a second consecutive World Series Championship.

I don't want to hear any nonsense about "that's not the Yankee Style" or the "Yankees have too much class for that kind of baseball.

BULLSHIT!!!

Style points and class only win in Olympic Figure Skating.

Enough of Chase Utley....drill him and take your chances on Ryan "Special K" Howard.

Just my opinion.

THE HALLOWEEN NIGHT A STADIUM MOVED

2009-10-31T13:31:00.010-06:00

Eight years ago, I had the pleasure of bringing my son and daughter to NYC for all 3 games of the 2001 World Series. I had been to hundreds of games at Yankee Stadium in my life. Saw Roger and Mickey and Whitey and Thurman and was lucky enough to be in the upper deck of the Stadium with 10+ college buddies when Chris Chambliss propelled the Yankees into the 1976 World Series at the expense of Mark Littell and the Royals.

But no Yankee Stadium or baseball experience compared to the 3 days of the 2001 World Series. The emotional specter of returning to New York for an event like the World Series mere weeks after 9/11 was overwhelming. Emotions that included excitement, anticipation, curiosity, anger and even fear gripped me for the entire 5 days that we were there.

And the one memory I shall always hold near and dear til my grave was when Tino Martinez cracked that game tying home run in Game 4. For the 1st time in my life of spectating games at that old venerable gray mecca, I felt the structure move when the ball landed in the stands.

Ghosts? Release of volcanic like emotions of a local population harboring pain and angst over the events of the previous month? An old structure showing it's age under the burden of 50,000+ exuberant fans? All of the above? Whatever, it was easily the most unique experience of my life.

All summed up in the following essay my son wrote for a College English class two years ago.
I am reprinting it here without his permission. Cuz I couldn't have said it any better. He gets mad at me when I share it, but I don't care. I'm proud of it and proud of him for writing it. I'm proud of the Yankees and proud of New Yorkers. And I think he captures the essence of what it is to be a fan of the Yankees and a fan of New York. And on this Halloween anniversary of that seminal event in our lives, I am proud to publish it again.

More than Love for the Game

Most people in the world can only dream of seeing baseball's greatest team, the Yankees, partaking in the single most important series of the whole season, the World Series, at the single greatest sports complex in the world, Yankee Stadium. Some dreams do come true, and my World Series dream did just that and at a very significant time in my life, and history.

New York was in mourning, the nation was in a shock, and I, too young and ignorant to comprehend much of anything, was the happiest kid in the world. Though I could comprehend what was going on after the terrorist attacks of 9/11, my head was too filled with Social Studies, my evil 7th grade English teacher Ms. Pappas, and of course baseball. The world was too far away to touch me, and politics was just what the parents talked about during 6 o' clock dinner. How could I be bothered with such things when I was going to the World Series in New York City? Apparently it bothered my mother who feared for our safety while travelling at such a time.

There was no stopping my father and me however, both of us being experienced travelers, we were gone before we left, with new Yankees jackets and caps packed up a week before we left. It is for reasons like this that I love my father unconditionally. He would never let me miss an opportunity, and would urge me to take any that come. I didn't know that then, but then again there is much I didn't and don't know.

If I could describe the relationship I have had with my Father in my short eighteen years of life it would be one word, Yankees. Any significant experience or sentiment I have held with the 6' 3" 220 pound Long Island, New York native and Manhattan College alum can be attributed to the "Evil Empire," and anything associated with it, including New York. I felt safe and comfortable traversing New York with him, I had done it before; he had done it too many times.

The city I had expected however was not the city I arrived at. What was usually a city of hustle and bustle, packed streets, and lines of cars seemed almost like a ghost town. The memory of what had happened only a month before our arrival and mere blocks from where we were staying hit like a stone. My father seemed to understand it would be like this, walking not in surprise but in a morose condition. I couldn't quite grasp why this great city could be so sad; buildings fell and people died, things like that happened everyday all over the world. Life and death was still a foreign concept and soon my mind travelled to the buildings, birds, and hot dog vendors, travelling was very easy in New York with all the things to look at.

The Marriott on Times Square, my father always did big trips well. All the travelling had put my mind in a daze and the reason as to why we travelled from our home in Albuquerque to here was prevalent in my mind again. With the first game hours away there was hardly time for relaxation and so we travelled again, subways, cabs, and subways again. The train was fun, we rumbled and bumbled along and soon it was filled with people like us travelling to the stadium. These people represented a character quite unlike the morose Times Square I had seen earlier. They laughed loudly and talked louder, typical of the New York form, I couldn't be happier. I sat there soaking up the finest spirits of the city, feeling enlightened and ecstatic I watched these people who looked as if nothing was wrong in their lives. Even at my young age I recognized how this thing called baseball could bring people together in such a dreadful time. I felt like I was a part of a very great thing and almost forgot where I was going until the train emerged at a station with bright blue lights gleaming YANKEE STADIUM over it.

They won the first game; I can hardly recall anything from the filing cabinets of my mind. It was loud, the Yankees won putting them behind in the series 2-1, and then we headed back to our hotel through a sleeping city somewhere around 2:30 in the morning. The next day we slept, ate, and did it again. Game Two of the World Series in New York was almost as necessary for the Yankees to win as the first one and the fear of losing game one was shown in our fingernails which were half gone from the anticipation during the game the previous night. Back to the streets and back to the trains we went, Yankee Stadium was gleaming down on us yet again.

The Stadium is everything a young man could dream and more. A bright light blasted my eyes upon entrance, below us was a perfectly lit field, perfectly lined, and perfectly kept. Vendors selling everything were everywhere. Crowds of people made their way through crowds of people and everyone was wearing Yankees somewhere on their bodies. It was sheer beauty in and of itself, everyone who was there shared an excitement unexplainable by words.

It was a blessing to be following the "big man" as he parted crowds much easier than I could have and I was sure to stay close. Our seats, the same as the night prior, were more likely to see a hawk than a baseball so we arrived early to catch some up close batting practice. I was enlightened by it, so sure I would be the next shortstop for the Yankees and so enthralled by what was going on that I hardly remember feeling appreciative at all. He was right there too, the man who made it all possible, who instilled all he could into me. He loved baseball with a passion, appreciated education, and was understanding. So I loved baseball, worked towards college, and understood as much as I could. None of this crossed my mind as I sat next to him though. I thought this was the way life was supposed to be, I couldn't be anywhere but where I was. Youth and ignorance generally go hand in hand of course and rather than turning to him right there and saying "thank you" I continued watching enraptured.

The players looked like dots on the field, but it didn't matter. The game was just as intense and magical as the night before. We cheer for the Yankees, and boo for the Diamondbacks; every fan was as raucous as a high school student. The bottom of ninth inning rolled around and the mood was a solemn one. The Yanks were down by three with only three outs left to their name.

Nervousness swept the crowd, the Yankees hanging on by inches by getting two runners on with two outs. Tino Martinez, Yankee first baseman and cleanup hitter, came to bat on a stage that must have been louder than a 747 engine. From our seats there was no way we could see details but every single person in the stadium stood at attention heads turned one direction and hands clapping loudly. With one pitch and one swing there was an eruption to rival Mt. Vesuvius and what seemed to be an earthquake to rival the San Andreas Fault. It was as memorable as 9/11 itself, people were jumping up and down, wiping away tears of joy rather than sad ones for a change. An adrenaline surpassing any dangerous stun or extreme joy I have ever felt rushed over me as I screamed my head off and was thrown on strangers shoulders also cheering madly.

I returned to my smiling father after calm swept the stadium and watched the rest of the game. The Yank's pulled off another win in a similar dramatic and just as loud fashion, and culminated with Frank Sinatra's voice cooing the fans out of the stadium. It was back to the full and cheering trains and back to sleep to do it again.

We did it again the next day, the same magic, the same excitement nothing was daunting or drawling about our lives. Finally, we boarded our plane and were left with a good six hours to recall our past three days. I had a new found love for the New York Yankees, a sentiment greater than one for sport or franchise. It was the bringing together of people in which I found my profound respect for the team. During a time of dismal situations especially for the city of New York it seemed almost magical for Tino Martinez to hit bottom of the ninth homeruns in New York. During a time of such a spongy youth it was the Yankees which brought me unconditional respect for my father. All he had done, sacrificed, and shared with me is culminated in our trip to New York. It must have been a good three years later until I realized most of this but it always brings me back to the World Series, 2001.

JIMMY ROLLINS AND BOB MANTZ TALK A BIG GAME

2009-10-28T13:15:00.008-06:00

Jimmy Rollins of the Phillies is an idiot and has a big mouth.

There is nothing worse than a baseball player who "prognosticates" that his team will "win in 5, maybe 6 if we are nice". As cocky as that may sound, the underside of his prediction is even worse. With this comment, Rollins has also said that his team will "lose one game, maybe two".

Which games will they be Jimmy? Which pitchers and players, TEAMMATES, from your locker room will lose those games, asshole? Care to enlighten the world with those pearls of wisdom, sir?

Baseball players who predict LOSSES for their own teams are no better than Pete Rose betting on games. Cuz at what point does Rollins start thinking about the importance and notoriety of his predictions over the greater good of his team? Think that's crazy? It's HUMAN NATURE, FOLKS.

Jimmy Rollins should STFU. (But I'm glad he doesn't......cuz I would love to be in the Yankee Locker Room reading and listening to his BS).

Speaking of STFU........My virtual good friend and world reknowned blogger Bob Mantz posted this gem on his website today: http://njfrogman.blogspot.com/2009/10/top-10-madonna-songs-phillies-sould.html

It's a list of Top 10 Madonna Songs that the Phillies should play when A-Rod comes to bat.

In the interest of equal time to Bob's NONSENSE, I offer this response..

Top 10 Songs To Play For Jimmy Rollins At Bats

10/Just My Imagination (Temptations)
9/Dream On (Aerosmith)
8/Proud Mary- "ROLLIN" Down The River (Ike and Tina)
7/I'm With Stupid (Pet Shop Boys)
6/Oops, I Did It Again (Britney Spears)
5/I'm A Loser (Beatles)
4/19th Nervous Breakdown (Stones)
3/You Talk Too Much (Thorogood)
2/Idiot Wind (Bob Dylan)
1/Dumb (Nirvana)

YANKS IN FOUR

WHAT HAPPENED IN VEGAS.....

2009-10-27T13:32:00.010-06:00

...AIN'T GONNA STAY IN VEGAS.

And I'm not talking about the story about this poor kid who took a brief nap in the hallway of the hotel after running with the big dogs for 10 hours or so. The kid put up a valiant effort. Hopefully, he'll now be better equipped to run a better game next time he's around professionals.

Nope, I'm gonna talk about some things that my daughter and my new son-in-law did (disclaimer- I had little input and knew even less about what was going into the event) in planning their wedding that made this old salt very proud, renewed my faith in the future of the human race, and gave two sets of parents cause to believe that they did a pretty good job of raising their children.

And what more could a parent ask for on a day like this?

The Bride and Groom established early on in their ceremony a wonderful theme for the entire affair. That the basis of their relationship was first and foremost built around friendship. To each other and more importantly, how friendship and the support of friends and family had made them who they were that wedding day.

The opening remarks (written by the bride and groom) by the minister emphasized the appreciation of the couple for all (about 110 people) who had travelled from so far (15 states at last tally) to attend this gala as no greater demonstration of the love they had received from so many in their still short lives. Nothing about "what great people" or "what a great couple" they were gonna be, but, instead, their words illuminated "what a great life" everyone in attendance had "provided for them" leading up to their blessed day. And the praise from the couple did not stop with simply those in attendance. The minister made a point of recognizing all of those who could not attend, especially those family and friends, who were no longer with us, and what a lasting influence those people would always hold in the couple's souls. (Highlighted by a heartwrenching pictorial display in the lobby of the reception hall of all of those who's earthly influences had moved beyond).

And then, in a brief moment before exchanging their own vows, I was witness to and was part of an experience that I had never seen before in the 40 plus weddings I have attended in my life.

The minister asked all four parents to stand up and the bride and groom turned and faced us. He then read off a sometimes humorous and completely touching litany of experiences and love that had shaped the couple in their lives. They thanked (profusely) all four of us for all we had done as parents. And vowed to continue what they had learned from us in their own lives together.

It damn near popped a crocodile from this til then rock solid Father of The Bride.

But more importantly, their wedding theme provided an incredible atmosphere for the rest of the evening. An evening/night/next morning that can best be described as "Truly Bon Vivant". Everyone was family, I sensed no traditional "their side/our side" behavior of until now unfamiliar families that is prevalent at so many other weddings. There were some moments during the reception (hey, what's a wedding reception without evicting /"86'ing" someone, or a few raised eyebrows over three brothers named Hanson wearing exact replica Slapshot Charlestown Chiefs jerseys), but one thing I noticed throughout the night was the constant intermingling and enjoyment that both crowds enjoyed with each other.

So much so, that the highlight of the entire week, weekend, night for me was the final song of the reception (including all of the bawdy and decadent "post-reception" activities).

As "Piano Man" rang out from the speakers while the couple did a stirring Lindy on the dance floor, the entire crowd was circled around them and drowned out Billy Joel's vocalizations. And I found myself with not only one armed draped around two of my best childhood friend's shoulders (we grew up a short bike ride from Billy Joel's neighborhood) but had the other arm draped around a guy from the groom's side who sang louder than me....and I had a sense that we all truly believed what we were singing to the dancing couple......

....."for we're all in the mood for a melody, and you got us feeling alright".

Which, is what weddings are supposed to be about, I think....and while I'm thinking, is also kinda how that guy on the hallway floor was feeling later on when he selected that corner of the world to take a nap.

And God Bless Him for feeling that way.

Cuz he had friends to trust and to watch over him.

Who can get through life without that?

6 DEGREES OF SEPARATION???

2009-10-14T13:11:00.013-06:00

Has anyone noticed the new rage gripping America? The "6 Degrees of Separation" game? How any Joe Sixpack or Donna Doublewide is 6 (or fewer) acquaintances away from someone famous? Have we all become so desperate for notoriety that we'll start dropping names like a Gotti hitman at a Senate RICO Hearing?

Well, with that in mind, I got to thinking (I do that once a day) about how close I am to John Wooden. The All-Time Greatest Basketball Coach in History, who is celebrating his 99th birthday today. John Wooden is truly a living icon, the Wizard of Westwood, as his great UCLA teams of the 60's brought national attention to college basketball which, in turn, made March Madness and office gambling pools as popular in America as political corruption and Wall St. trading scams.

So I figured out how close I am to being a good acquaintance of John Wooden.

6 DEGREES OF SEPARATION BETWEEN JOHN WOODEN AND 505.

John Wooden is 99 years old today.
Nena wrote and performed 99 Red Balloons (99 Luftballons for those of you of Teutonic Heritage), and started out as the lead singer in a German band called "Stripes" in 1983 .
I saw a VHS copy of the movie "Stripes" starring Bill Murray and Harold Ramis, in 1985.
Bill Murray and Harold Ramis are from Chicago and were big supporters of Barack Obama, also from Chicago, last year. (And most likely asked to bust some Bush Ghosts out of the White House).
Barack Obama ran a campaign marathon against a lady named Sarah Palin last year.
Sarah Palin was a High School basketball star in Wasilla during the early 80's, the same time that your's truly was dropping numerous dollars in Wasilla hotspots named "Huppy's Roadhouse" and "Haa'lea Lodge".

So how come I'm not invited to Coach Wooden's birthday party?

(Bonus minutes from Two Time Zones Away to anyone who correctly guesses how many Red Balloons are in the picture posted here).

CHECK YOUR DISNEY 2 IN 1 CHILD HARNESS AT THE DOOR??

2009-10-09T01:00:00.000-06:00

I have just become aware of what may well be the leading candidate for The Irony of Ironies Award for 2009. As well as another indication of how far behind the American Experiment has fallen.

Lenore Skenazy, author of my favorite book of the year "Free Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry," will be speaking about her book at Yale University today.

As part of the "Parents Weekend" festivities for incoming freshmen.

You know....Parent's Weekend, that 2 day Propaganda Tour where colleges try to convince the check writers and loan co-signors that little Johnny and Mary are going to get an education beyond the PH.D in Alcohol and Drug Abuse that come with a 4 or 5 or 6 year sentence to their institutions.

Who is Lenore Skenazy and what is Free Range Kids, you ask?

Ms. Skenazy and her work are a much needed breath of fresh air in America. In short, Ms. Skenazy encourages parents to allow their kids to do incredible things like ride a bike to the library, walk alone to school, take public transportation (her 10 year old solos on NYC subways)

.....basically GET THE HELL OUT OF THE HOUSE!!

Encourage kids to acquire the social skills that have disappeared over the last 2-3 decades thanks to computers, overregulation by our lawyers and government, and media sponsored fearmongering.

Shocking, isn't it?

Downright revolutionary, isn't it?

You can learn more about Lenore and her work here...

http://www.freerangekids.com/

(Disclaimer... I have become Facebook Friends with Ms. Skenazy, so yes, this is a shameless plug of her work by me....BUY HER BOOK!!)

So where's the irony that comes with a confluence of Lenore Skenazy, Yale University and Parent's Weekend, you ask?

DUH!!!!!!!!

Isn't it a tad late for Ms. Skenazy to be waxing poetic to these post pubescent freshmen and their parents?

Or maybe it isn't.

And that's the really scary part.

One of the Top 10 Universities in America is engaging a lecturer to teach a class that should be called "Apron Cutting Skills 101" to parents and freshmen.

Oh, the humanity.

Finally, if I may, I'd like to volunteer some ancient words of advice for Ms. Skenazy to pass along to these young Eli's and their parents.

It's a phrase that I ingrained within my own children's psyche at an early age. A phrase that teaches them to think first when confronting new and unusual circumstances, the kind of confrontations with life's unique challenges that can be scary at first, and often require a slow approach before following through with a decision:

"Unh Uh...mighta choked Arti, but it ain't gonna choke Stymie".

Give 'em hell Lenore Skenazy!!!

WELL, IT'S UP TO THE YANKEES...

2009-10-07T00:41:00.014-06:00

TO KILL THE DOME

The Tigers tried.

I give them A+ for effort. It was a great game. One for the ages. Made all baseball fans proud.

They had the game won going into the bottom of the 10th inning. Had a one run lead. Their stud closer was in the game, and he was dealing. The Tigers avoided all the usual nonsense that comes with playing in the Hump Sack during a 9 inning game. The crowd noise, the waving hankies, the disappearing popups, superball bounces, screwy ground rules, hockey glass in the outfield walls, Hefty Sak drapes, homemade windstorms when someone opens an exit door, rug burns, the warm beer that arrives when you order from a vendor 45 seats away (one time zone), all the stuff that makes that dump the worst baseball venue in the world.

But then in the bottom of the 10th, the Movie Theater that was supposed to die, remembered it was October and Jason never dies in October.

The Glad Bag that won't go away reared it's ugly head in the form of a leadoff flare to leftfield that Ryan Raburn misplayed into a triple after losing it in the roof. Followed soon after by a routine double play ball that took a magic hop (it made Wham-O proud) and snaked beyond the reach of 2nd baseman Placido Polanco to allow the tying run to score.

And just like that, the Twins scored in the 12th and The Dome lived to kill another day.

Next victim? The Mighty Yankees. MY TEAM. A team that has been destined to win their 40th American League Pennant and their 27th World Championship this year. A team with the best record in baseball, and the best Yankee team that Steinbrenner's millions (billions?) has fielded in a decade.

I'm scared.....I am very, very scared. The Yankees couldn't handle nature's widges in Cleveland two years ago, how are they gonna handle this supernatural beast? Put New York's Cardinal Egan on the 25 man roster? Pack a couple of chainsaws in the gear bags? Give each player a tiny crucifix to wear around his neck?

I DON'T LIKE HORROR MOVIES.

Never watch 'em.

Don't wanna see one now.......So....Yankees...listen up guys....Throw the ball, catch the ball, hit the ball hard and keep your damn heads in each and every inning of every game. Win every inning, win every game.

BEAT THE NEVER ENDING SUPPLY OF BLOOD AND OXYGEN OUT OF THE TWINS.....TREAT THE TWINS LIKE PROVERBIAL BASTARD STEPCHILDREN OF DIFFERENT MOTHERS......DOME BE DAMNED.

I can't think of a better team to finally send that Den of Iniquity off to the Netherworld...forever.

PLEASE????

THE TIGERS MUST WIN....please?

2009-10-06T00:36:00.023-06:00

MOM ALWAYS SAID...

"NO BASEBALLS IN THE HOUSE"

I am rooting for the Detroit Tigers today. I want them to defeat the Twins and move on to face my beloved Yankees in the ALDS. The Yankees have had success against both the Twins and the Tigers this year, going 7-0 against the Twins, while winning 5 of 6 from Detroit. And in recent years the Twins have been a pushover for the Yankees in the playoffs.

On the surface, most Yankee fans would most likely opt for Minnesota as the Yankees next opponent, given the recent successes the Yanks have had against them. Coupled with the fact that the Tigers have a potential Yankee killer in the name of pitcher Justin Verlander. A guy who could conceivably shut down the Yankee lineup for two games.

But I'd rather take my chances with the Tigers in the ALDS. They are a team very similar to the Yankees...just lacking in depth and overall quality of talent.

I don't want any part of the Twins this postseason....nope....not at all....no way.

I don't care that the Yanks have owned them the last few years. I don't care that Carl Pavano, a worthless overpaid POS when he was with the Yanks, is now pitching for them. I don't care that there is hardly a baseball fan in America that can name more than two players in their starting lineup besides Mauer and Morneau (BTW sports fans....Morneau is OUT for the season).

A potential Twins/Yanks matchup has all the makings of a MAJOR upset, and that scares the hell out of me.

Unscientific of me, isn't it?

The Twins are playing the BEST BASEBALL in America right now. They are a walking baseball thesaurus of cliches, getting "just enough" pitching, incredibly timely hitting, stellar defense and have one of the best field tacticians in the game in Ron Gardenhire. They play "small ball", they bunt, they steal, they hit and run, they have some guys capable of hitting a 3 run homer.

But MOST IMPORTANTLY.......they have that friggen anomaly of a baseball stadium.

The Hankie Dome, The Glad Bag, The Movie Theater, the place where routine popups turn into adventures, an arena where baseballs are the EXACT same color as the ceiling, the Stadium with the most uncomfortable seats and worst sightlines I have ever been a part of in a Major League Stadium. The Stadium that was SUPPOSED to have had it's last baseball game played on Sunday.

An anomaly that won't go away, an aberration that just played host to another pimple (Favre) that won't go away.

I don't want the Yankees playing in the Dome this postseason....too many stupid things can and do happen there. And what Yankee fan doesn't remember the widges in Cleveland?

Please Detroit....please.....put the worst baseball stadium in America out of it's misery tonight. Send it to the great plastic recycling plant in the sky. Let the wind out of that place, PERMANENTLY!!

Baseball needs you Detroit. Time to make a balloon payment on all the bailout money. Eliminate the Hump Sack. Turn that place into my next pair of recycled footwear.

And know that I'll be praying very hard today that Miguel Cabrera doesn't get waylaid in Dinkytown (the northern Mississippi extension of the French Quarter, where locals offer Leinenkugel and Head Cheese in lieu of Hurricanes and Gumbo) on his way to the Baggie.

Cuz we all know he's not gettin' any other kindalaid for awhile.

Just my opinion....

CHICAGO DENIED OLYMPICS...HERE'S WHY

2009-10-02T10:40:00.007-06:00

10 REASONS WHY CHICAGO FAILED

10/Oprah wanted the opening ceremonies held in her backyard.

9/ACORN was not allowed to register IOC voting committee members.

8/Naming Richard Daley as Director of 'Event Judge Scheduling" may not have been the best idea.

7/Neither was putting William Ayers in charge of security for the games.

6/Nor was having Jeremiah Wright deliver the opening benediction.

5/Chicago refused to allow the UN International Atomic Energy Agency to inspect those dark green, perfectly shaped gelatinous cubes that locals put on their hot dogs and call relish. (There's enough green dye in one of those "things" to paint a stripe across I-80 from Chicago to NYC on St. Patricks Day)

4/The Italian Delegation stormed out of the meeting after sampling the proposed Official Olympic Food......Chicago Pizza..., calling it "Wonder Bread dipped in Ragu with a sprinkling of Kraft"

3/Opening Ceremonies featuring Bill Murray as Nick the Lounge Lizard, with James Belushi and Denise Richards singing "Take Me Out to The Olympic Games" did not score high with the Voting Committee

2/Hanging framed copies of Obama's "Hope" campaign poster in every dorm room of the Olympic Village did not go over well with Western European and Russian voters on the Committee.

1/Having a cow named Daisy kick over a lantern to light the Olympic Flame did not ignite the excitement of the IOC.

IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED...

2009-10-01T00:06:00.013-06:00

USAir announced that the dynamic duo of Captain "Sully" Sullenberger and First Officer Jeffrey Skiles will return to the air today and try to get to Charlotte again, 9 months after their last attempt made an unscheduled maintenance stop in the Hudson River. (recently given a 3 digit airport designation of "H2O" by the FAA).
They will be in the cockpit for a late morning flight out of Laguardia, and USAir plans a gala celebration to honor the event, as well as added security precautions.

For a $15.00 fee, all passengers will receive a commemorative Tempur-pedic goose down pillow, which can be located and picked up in the overhead bins above aisles 19 and 20.

Bottled Hudson River water (Energized with General Electric Polychlorinated Biphenyls) will be available as part of the inflight beverage service for a nominal cost of $3.00.

A special meal has been prepared by world reknowned airline caterers "Oldendry of Bayonne".
Passengers can savor 2 millimeters of Foie Gras on a Ritz for $6.00.

To the relief of passengers, Discovery TV star Bear Grylls will be aboard, and paid a $15.00 premium seat fee to be located over Engine Number 2 for the duration of the flight.

Flight attendants will eschew traditional uniforms as a new line of custom safetywear is being test marketed by Onda De Mer and Anika Brazil.

A representative of PETA has been authorized to ride in the cockpit jumpseat for the flight. As a concession to complaints from the Airline Pilots Association (ALPA), Captain Sullenberger has been authorized to blindfold and gag the PETA representative as soon as he feels like it.

Pre-takeoff Grey Goose Jello Shots will be available for $4.00, or 6 inflight beverage coupons.

The Air Force announced that an AC-130 Gunship will circle the airport before and after takeoff. NYPD Harbor Boats will patrol Flushing Bay with AKC Labradors to retrieve any fallout.
34 orange Carhartt clad sharpshooters from the Outdoor Channel will set up and man duck blinds at the end of the runway, as well as along Orchard Beach in the Bronx. (Spittoons provided by The Brass Shop of 5th Avenue).

And finally...
As the first class cabin has already been sold out, no high level USAir officials will be onboard the flight, citing a company policy that prohibits them from flying coach while on company business.

THE GREATEST FOOT MASSAGE.

2009-09-28T12:43:00.007-06:00

WARNING...THIS IS A LONG ONE...BUT IF YOU KNOW OR HAVE KNOWN ANYONE WHO SERVED IN THE MILITARY........TAKE SOME TIME TO READ IT!!!

I went to the last day of the New Mexico State Fair yesterday. Hadn't been there in years. Got burned out by it when the kids were little as most of my annual experiences were centered around the midway rides and the food booths and stuffed animals and plastic baggies of goldfish (two of whom were named "fish" and "agbyani"--as in Bennie, the former NY Met's outfielder.. don't ask, I am afterall a Yankee fan). When the kids grew too old for parental escorts, I did everything I could to avoid the fair, with it's exhorbitant prices and crushing crowds.

But yesterday was one of those 100 or so perfect days we live for in the Land of 505. Clear blue skies, temperatures in the mid to high 70's, no breeze...the kind of autumn day where you can wear either shorts or jeans and be comfortable. If the blazing sun is too hot, you need only move into the shade, if it gets too chilly in the shade, you need only move into the sun.
The kind of day that makes the Chamber of Commerce and the State Tourism Dept. gush with pride.

So me and the Mrs. decided to overlook our fears and traumas of past State Fairs, and took a chance on this last day of the 2009 Fair. We looked forward to the fact that for the first time, we could do the things we never did at previous Fairs.

We could hang out in the beer gardens, sit and listen to all of the varieties of live music on display, saunter at our own pace through the exhibition halls, and bask in the unique to America experience that is the New Mexico State Fair, with it's heavy emphasis on the dominant cultures of this state.
The New Mexico State Fair is first and foremost a showcase of the Native American and Hispanic heritage of which this part of the USA strongly clings to. (Despite the crushing onslaught of all things Angloneuropean as manifested by the midway carnival and way too numerous gimmicky Roncolike product booths).

After an hour or so spent in one of the beer gardens, (conveniently located next to the Dock Dog exhibition where we watched happy dogs get big air and soak nearby spectators chasing duck decoys into a swimming pool....who can't love happy dogs getting wet and stinky?), we resumed our trek through the grounds.

That's when I had the greatest experience of any State Fair that I have ever been to.
While awaiting the Mrs to return from the lady's room, I indulged myself (one of my favorite things to do) by depositing 25 cents in one of those bulky looking foot massage machines. The ones where you sit in a chair with your feet on what looks like the converted foot pedals from a barber's chair and receive 3 minutes or so of a vibrating podiatric orgasm. While simultaneously engaging in one of my other favorite pasttimes.....people watching... along the main street of this State Fair venue

Toward the end of my session I noticed a large family walking toward me on the busy main street, and at the center of this clan are an elderly (and very small) Grandma and Grandpa.
Grandpa is making eye contact with me.
I sense that he is looking for a little encouragement from me to try the gizmo I am occupying as he is wearing what can best be surmised as a pair of vintage Stride-Rites from the 60's. They're in pretty good shape, but are not the world's greatest walking shoes.

More importantly to me though, he is wearing a black baseball cap emblazoned with a white logo that reads "WWII VETERAN", and the rest of his cap is festooned with Marine Corps colors and combat ribbons, as well as dates of reunions he has attended. Being a huge fan of all things WWII, I shout out to him, "Hey soldier, C'mon over and give those dogs of your's a break!"

So this tiny little man (couldn't have been more than 100 pounds) and his wife breakaway from their family to join me at the bank (3) of foot masage units. I rise up and greet this stranger by shaking his hand and thanking him for his service to our country. He pauses while his even smaller wife plops into a chair and digs for quarters in a purse that was half her size, and he smiles at me and thanks me for noticing the baseball cap.

His speech had a thick Hispanic accent, made doubly difficult to understand by this gringo because I could only discern two lower teeth in his palate. Mid to late 80's in age, he was nevertheless in great physical and mental shape, very spry and agile for a man his age and especially for someone who was involved in such misery in his life.

Most importantly, he was all too eager to share some of his war experiences with me. And as someone who's dad served with the Marines in the Pacific, I was all too eager to listen and to question him.

Some snippets....
He and 18 of his High School buddies from "Martineztown" (a small mostly-99%- Hispanic district in downtown Albuquerque) enlisted in the Marine Corps in 1942.
At the time of enlistment my new friend was only 94 pounds which was far below the 110 pound minimum, so the recruiting sergeant had to place his own foot on the scale and put enough pressure on the scale to bring him up to the minimum 110 pounds.
All through boot camp his buddies had to help him through the more physical aspects of it, cuz he was just too small, nor was he strong enough to perform them.
With two weeks to go before graduation from boot, he decided that he had enough of the abuse, was in tears and went to the Chaplain to figure a way out of the Corps. The Chaplain and his 18 buddies talked him out of quitting, a decision which he says now was the greatest and worst thing that has ever happened in his life.
The three combat ribbons on his baseball cap represent the three campaigns he served in during the war with the 1st Marine Division.....Guam, Iwo Jima and Okinawa.
(BTW, while this conversation was going on, he remained standing, never took advantage of the foot massage, and his wife was throwing quarters into the chair like it was a slot machine at Sandia Casino).
He was wounded two times during battle. There were times when he saved his buddies lives and times when they saved his.
He was training for the invasion of Japan when the atomic bombs (made in New Mexico, tested in Japan) were dropped, and is absolutely convinced that he would not have survived an invasion. (the same sentiment voiced by every other veteran of the Pacific that I have ever spoken with).

The man was an encyclopedia of stuff and I could have chatted with him all day, all weekend, all month. He was equally grateful to have an audience.
But it was time for us to move on and enjoy the rest of the fair, as his family came looking for him and my Mrs. was ready to head for the Native American Village.
So I left this stranger with a long embracing hug, both of us happy with this chance encounter and brief friendship....I thanked him again.
He whispered in my ear his own appreciation for my appreciation and interest.

As we parted ways (his wife was STILL dropping quarters) Mrs 505 said to me
"I'm sure you are crying".....
I said "Yeah.....do you wanna know why?"
"Sure", she said.

"I asked him how many of his 18 buddies returned home"

And he told me "Four, the other 14 were still serving..... in Guam, Iwo and Okinawa".

I think I'll go back to the Fair next year.....and walk around a lot.
And next year I'll make a point to visit the exhibit showcasing surviving members of the Navajo Codetalkers from WWII.
I'm sure they have much to say as well, to anyone willing to listen.

NEWSDAY'S KEN DAVIDOFF NEEDS TO EASE UP

2009-09-25T23:11:00.010-06:00

Ken Davidoff is the leading Baseball Columnist for Newsday. Ken Davidoff is one of the finest baseball writers in America. I enjoy reading Ken Davidoff's articles, I have been a frequent commenter and contributor to his blog for 2 years. (not so much lately...well, not at all, thanks to the new and improved Newsday website).

I really like Ken Davidoff. Hell, we're facebook friends (but I may get cut after this rant), even though I do not share his love of all things statistics, nor do I share his barely perceptible love of the Mets (nothing wrong with that), or his more than perceptible distaste for Derek Jeter.

For the past few days, Ken has been depositing little snippets on his blog about the unimportance of this weekend's Yankees/Red Sox series, trying to convince his readers to snooze through the games, and to look ahead to the playoffs in a few weeks.
Culminating in this main page article: "This Visit By Red Sox Only A Dress Rehearsal"
Found here.....http://www.newsday.com/columnists/ken-davidoff/this-visit-by-red-sox-only-a-dress-rehearsal-1.1472015

Some excerpts from Ken's column include the following....
"If you're a serious baseball fan... you should root for one important result this weekend: No serious injuries!"
and..
"..the Red Sox-Yankees series starting Friday night at Yankee Stadium is nice, but it's nothing"
and
"You don't want to see anyone exert himself too much, however."

Ken goes on in the body of his work to emphasize the importance to baseball of a Yankees/Red Sox ALCS next month.
How "It all would be, most literally, Must-See TV".

Ken....
STOP!!!!! NOW!!!!
please?

You ask in your opening line for all "serious baseball fans" to not take these 3 games seriously.

Well, I'm a serious baseball fan. And someone who spent a lot of years playing the game at subterranean levels.
And I take every game very seriously. Especially games, ANY GAMES, against my biggest rival.
I don't give a shit about potential TV ratings and must see TV a month from now.
I don't want to see the Yankees or the fans "easing up" against the Red Sox because of the exhortations of misplaced priorities by disinterested scribes.
I fear injuries as much as you do, but I also know that more injuries occur when players "ease up".
And anyone who has played the game, any sport, knows that bad habits develop when you start "easing up".
It is a disservice to the fans in attendance who pay too much money to see these games to not expect a maximum effort by the participants to "TRY TO WIN THE DAMN GAME".

C'mon Ken....who are you trying to kid here?
It's the BOSTON RED SOX, fer chrissakes.....Every game should be approached by the Yankees with maximum intensity, and maximum desire to WIN.

And no true fan should have any less an attititude.

So please Ken, ease up with you easygoing armchair attitude and approach to these games.
It has no place in sports , and for that attitude to exude out of a pressbox is self defeating to your knowledge and appreciation of the sporting spectacle in general and baseball in particular.
Again.....WIN THE DAMN GAME.

Crush the Red Sox. Destroy them.....Turn them into rubble.

And that's just my opinion......from two time zones away.

"I'VE SEEN IT ALL IN A SMALL TOWN"

2009-09-22T14:10:00.013-06:00

"Well I wasn't born in a small town,

But I can breathe in a small town."

505 and family spent the weekend in a small town in Northern Minnesota. It's not the first time I've ever been to that small town. In 26 years of marriage to a girl from that small town, I've performed many requisite family duties and taken many trips to that polka ridden ghetto of you betcha's, dontcha knows, and yah shure's; and obsessively marvelled at the inordinate amount of four door burgundy colored vehicles that litter their byways.

And..I've got a fair amount of "Home of the Shittiest Weather in the World" T-shirts from that small town. A T-shirt that comes accessorized with a protective gortex rain flap, built-in self-dispensing mosquito repellant, and wool insulation.

But every time I return to that small town, my hope for America is reinvigorated by little things that just don't happen in predominantly Big City America. Little things that help me forget about the exhausting 24/7 pounding of Beck vs. Olberman, Obama vs. me, Walmart vs. anyone with a cash register, and the unpretentious cultural kamikaze nuclear bomb that is the latest billion dollar, go-go dancer infested thunderdome, constructed to satisfy the egos and conspicuously wasteful demeanors of our Jerry Jones' infested Metropolitan America population.

TOP 10 STUFF THAT YOU'LL ONLY FIND IN SMALL TOWN AMERICA.

10/Rather than a cityscape pockmarked by yard signs reading "Make $300.00/hr doing nothing at home", small town yards are pocketed with hand painted signs that read "$3.00 Pancake Breakfast Saturday Morning, 8AM, St. John's Lutheran Church". I love pancakes (with blueberries).

9/Where else will you find a "Farmer's Day Parade" re-broadcast on the local community service TV channel? Featuring two camera angles (one camera..on a swivel), very limited commentary, an off-key HS Marching Band that still sounded great, and enough candy thrown off the makeshift floats (borrowed pickups with appropriate signage and America Flags duct taped onto the hood) to hold the kids over until Halloween? All sponsored by the 3 or 4 dentists in town?. And I would be remiss if I omitted a shoutout to the "8 Synchronized Shriners on Choppers" kicking off the parade with an obnoxiously long demonstration of their motorcycle skills that may well spread fear among the Ohio State Marching Band with their choreography.

8/A Dairy Queen not only open at 945PM on a Sunday night, but staffed by EIGHT cheerful, neatly uniformed, hard working High School age kids servicing what was a parking lot and storefront devoid of any customers (except for me and 505 jr. in need of Dilly Bars). Despite having zero customers at that time of night, every employee in that store was busy with other duties, mopping the floors, bleaching the tabletops, washing windows, and prepping for the next day's business. Without an adult supervisor to be found. The polar opposite of the CUSTOMER DISSERVICE PHILOSOPHY showcased by Alamo Rent a Car, who had ONE employee checking in 20-25 customers on a traditionally busy Friday afternoon in the Minneapolis airport.

7/A 6AM visit to the local Cub Foods allowed me to witness a Pepsi delivery guy helping an older and more frail Coke delivery guy stack his shelves. I wiped the residual morning after alcohol glaze from my eyes twice to verify what I was viewing....and bought a 6 pack of Pepsi instead of my normal and preferred Coca-Cola purchase. (I pray no one from Coke reads this, or else the Coke guy will most likely lose his job).

6/Upon leaving the Cub Foods I was able to drive over to my brother-in-law's house, walk into an open garage (all night) and let myself into the house through the kitchen door without waking any still sleeping kids and adults. If I left the garage door open in 505, everything including the garage door opener would be gone before the last moth dive bombed into the "security" floodlight.

5/A wedding that featured a Catholic priest with a legitimate and enjoyable sense of humor, who was only too happy to perform what I characterized as a "drive thru ceremony" (about 15 minutes), and couldn't wait to get to the reception that followed. Based on this brief encounter, I surmised that he may well be one of the few Catholic priests remaining in America who has a legitimate shot at going to heaven.

4/A reception at the local Fraternal Order of Eagles Club (quelle shock), one of the few (3?) banquet halls in this town large enough to accomodate 100+ people, but unique in that the "wait staff" are volunteers/friends of the family who take turns monitoring the buffet line and cake cutting chores. And hung around to help during the clean up as well. How many of YOUR FRIENDS would volunteer for this kind of wedding day duty in big city America?

3/My first round of cocktails(5 drinks- 2 Captain Cokes, a Vodka Cloudy, 2 Michelob Ultra's) for the family at the Eagle's Club reception ran me the paltry sum of $10.25, plus $2.00 tip for the free pouring, heavy handed, hot looking bartender. (27 years old and already a mother four times...yet she could easily grace the cover of many a men's magazine). The same order placed at any big city reception hall would have seen me kissing a Ben Franklin buh-bye. And the hot looking bartender would have had a lawyer on hand to immediately file alcohol induced sexual harassment lawsuits.

2/A groom's family that happily (and too cheerfully?) cemented the brand spanking new family bonds initiated via this conjugation of our parent's/grandparents/the olden folks when they stepped up for Miss 505 after some out of town pipeline workers took some testerone and alcohol infected "liberties" (a little verbal sparring turned kinda off color) with her in the public bar adjoining the Eagle's Reception Hall. I can count on the fingers of a centipede's hands how many times opposing families left wedding receptions fighting with each other in big city affairs.

1/One of the 3 Andy Griffiths on duty that night in this small town, responded to the "near riot" (nothing violent occurred, just a lot of threats, kinda like a soccer brawl) in the bar and provided my daughter and her fiance with a ride in the back of his police vehicle to their hotel...... a whole 2 blocks away. Sorry, but I guess I never saw the episode when Adam 12's Marty Milner or Kent McChord drove patrons home from a bar in Los Angeles.

"Taught the fear of "geezus" in a small town...

...Had myself a ball in a small town."

Thanks to the Frances Gumm Museum in Grand Rapids MN., for the picture of her still standing modest little adorable house. No one looked better in red shoes better than she. But for the record, I still have no use for Toto....the dog or the band.

MAMA, DON'T LET YOUR BABIES GROW UP TO BE...........

2009-09-16T04:28:00.034-06:00

".....like you.
Don't let ' em sip cocktails in back rows of church.
Make 'em be sober and proper and such."

I was surfing through Facebook this evening and found this picture of my daughter from last weekend, performing her duties as a bridesmaid for her future sister-in-law.

Imagine my shock and awe.

The product of my loins sipping a cocktail in the rear pews of a church.
What had her mother and I created?

Quelle Shock!!

But upon very little review, and after I finished chuckling, I flashed back to a cold December in Anchorage Alaska in 1983, and said to myself:

"Self, it's true what everyone says about 'The Great Circle of Life' and how acorns never fall far from a tree".

Cuz here I was looking at a 4 day old picture that could just as easily have been taken 26 years ago, two time zones away, in a log cabin church along the Park Strip in Anchorage. (that's the actual church in the right hand snapshot).

On December 17, 1983, Mrs. 505 and yours truly exchanged marriage vows in the Unitarian Church in front of the Reverend Richard Gay. This was the first of what was to be two wedding ceremonies for the blissful couple. We were also scheduled to be married in a full blown Catholic ceremony in Minnesota in February of 1984 for the benefit of our very Catholic familes.

(Who were none too pleased about this "sham" in Alaska, nor was the Catholic Priest who performed the Minnesota ceremony).

The ceremony in Alaska was for the benefit of all of our friends and "family" in Alaska, who would not be able to attend the festivities in Minnesota. (and since I worked for an airline and "flew for free", why should I PAY to fly my bride to Minnesota when she could fly free if she was already married to me?....... No one ever accused 505 of not being pragmatic.....or cheap).

Well, what happened in the log cabin "church" that Friday evening in Anchorage was one of those unique life experiences that simultaneously make lasting memories and damn you to hell for eternity.

We had planned a low budget affair (somewhat uncommon for our relationship, we have always tended to be somewhat extravagant when hosting celebrations), with a simple ceremony and a simpler reception. The deluxe extra large suite at the Captain Cook Hotel (the only 5 star hotel in Alaska, and 2 of those stars were purchased) would host our 40-50 guests after the ceremony. Since it was a Friday, and both of us worked, neither of of us could check into or prepare the room until after the ceremony which was scheduled for 7PM. As I was in charge of adult beverages for the reception, I picked up an appropriate amount of beer and champagne and loaded it all into the back of my tiny '81 Toyota Tercel hatchback (great little car...often transported 4 large dogs at a time...multiple cases of beer and champage were no problem for that little workhorse).

Being the punctual person that I was, I arrived at the church 15 minutes before our nuptials with a carload of beverages.

At which point I realized that I faced a dilemma.

It was December in Alaska and the temperature was hovering around a balmy 10 below zero.

Like every other American, I liked my beer cold. But not frozen.

Since the ceremony was scheduled to last about 20 minutes, and I still had 15 minutes until the first pitch, I knew from experience that I would probably return to my car to see frozen beer and cracked bottles.

So....I asked the Reverend Gay if I could store the beverages in the foyer of church, just inside the doorway.

"Not a problem" said the liberal minded Unitarian Minister. (Unitarians are about as easy going zealots as you will ever find among the opium sedated world of the religious masses).

I silently congratulated myself for this clear demonstration of thoughtful foresight and stacked the cases inside the church doorway.

It was then that the "Law of Unintended Consequences" kicked into high gear.

Our guests began arriving at the Church, and being shameless and stereotypical "Alaskans" saw the beverages as they entered the cabin and figured that they were props in whatever bizarre ceremony Mrs. 505 and I had cooked up for the exchange of the marriage vows.

And helped themselves to their victual of choice.

And filed into the pews of the church, with bottles and plastic glasses in hand.

To their credit, most of them kept, or tried to keep, the evil vices tucked down below eyesight for most of the ceremony, but there are at least a half dozen photos of friends who were clearly enjoying this Alaskan Wedding at Cana. (Even though I still have an auricular imprint in my mind of the classic "whissht" sound a beer bottle makes when opened, during the most "solemn" moment of the service.....oh my).

To the credit of Reverend Gay, he viewed this little sacrilege with great humor and a non condescending eye.

And it was also probably a good thing that at this point in 1983, Sarah Palin was still only in Year 2 of her 5 colleges in 7 years collegiate matriculation program. Or else our entire congregation for that Friday evening might have been criminalized and forced to parade down Spenard Road stripped of our down outerware and woolie undergarments, left with nothing on, save for our coyote or wolf fur bearing caps and mukluks.

I, on the other hand, griped to myself about now having to stop at a liquor store on the way to the hotel and shell out more money to replenish the beverage supply for the reception.

The lesson in all of this as I look at my daughter imbibing inside a Church?

Be very careful America about Stem Cell Research.

The memories of the mind can be very powerful imprinters upon the genetic makeup of our progeny.

"Mama, don't let your babies grow up to be like you...

They'll learn that drinkin' is thinkin' and one for the road.

Are two of the gifts of life's long moral code."

COMMENTS OF THE WEEK

2009-09-13T23:22:00.020-06:00

Last week was a slow blogging week for yours truly. For no good reason.

Except that, as someone who prides himself as an occasional laser tongued twit, I found myself overwhelmed by witty, and well-timed comments that would have made anything I wrote or said boring and pedestrian in comparison. (Moreso than usual!!)

So, I'm dedicating this entry to a list of all of the outstanding quotes that were generated last week from around the country. And they are listed in no particular order, cuz just like Groucho's clever pose pictured above, they are all number one in my book.

"You Lie"......South Carolina Congressman Joe Fisher, who is likely to have his next 10 campaigns financed, thanks to the sale of bumper stickers boasting that well timed catcall. A catcall that will wind up on the all-time list with the person who screamed out "Whipping Post" during the Allman Brother's Band Fillmore Concerts.

“If I could, I would take this f… ball and shove it down your f… throat.” ......Luv it Sistah Serena. Well worth the 10K purse snatching the Tennis Authorities leveed upon you. You make bad losers like me feel proud that NO ONE should walk away quietly from a bad call by an official. Especially a cheap call that cost you a shot at winning the a Grand Slam event. If you are gonna get beat by an official....GET YOUR DAMN MONEY"S WORTH. BRAVO Serena.

"No. The NY Islanders visited the White House"..... From FB friend, fellow Islander and Yankee fan Brooks Simpson. Who corrected the mighty "Puck Daddy" Hockey Sports Section in Yahoo when they wrote an article claiming that the Pittsburgh Penguins were the 1st Stanley Cup winning team to visit the White House. Proving, ONCE AGAIN, that the NY Islander's Dynasty of the early 80's continues to be the most ignored and overlooked dynasty of all time.

"All she does is sit there and blink like Yul Brynner in a rainstorm at Westworld"....Dennis Miller talking about Nancy Pelosi during Obama's Health Care Speech. What can I add to that pearl? As I sat there watching her glazed catatonic expression, I was getting a vision of a cross between a tensile haired Elsa Lanchester from "Bride of Frankenstein" and an extra who's cameo appearance wound up on the cutting room floor from the "Stepford Wives".

"The organization didn’t play with the flu in Utah”...A snippet from Michael Jordan's less than magnamious NBA Hall of Fame Speech, where, in this case, it was Michael's way of thanking Chicago Bull's owner Jerry Krauss for surroundng MJ with quality talent and coaching.

“Take some individual responsibility to stay healthy during the flu season.”
Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius on flu vaccinations. All I can say is SHOCKING to hear such pearls of wisdom emanating from within the Beltway. The question is, however, how long will someone uttering the words "individual responsibility" and "health" in the same sentence be allowed to stay in the Obama circle?

"That is the voice of God because its the voice of truth and experience."..... MSNBC's Chris Matthews, reacting to a Bill Clinton speech. And here I thought there was only The One True God at MSNBC.

"Georgia will kill South Carolina, by a field goal"......ESPN's legendary College Football Prognosticator Lee Corso....To which South Carolina Congressman Joe Fisher and every betting citizen of South Carolina filled Corso's e-mail box with a simple "You LIED" after Georgia won by 4 points.

WINSTON CHURCHILL SAID IT BEST 69 YEARS AGO

2009-09-11T11:23:00.002-06:00

"THIS WAS THEIR FINEST HOUR"

NEVER FORGET.

COLLISION AT THE INTERSECTION OF KALAUKAUA BLVD AND MEMORY LANE.

2009-09-09T13:08:00.017-06:00

This just in from Travel Industry wire services. (I'm not joking).
Tourists to Hawaii can now pay good money (that could be used to pay for health insurance) and have the pleasure of experiencing "President Obama's Tour of Honolulu".
(Or, to those who recognize quality irony..American Capitalism at it's finest, thanks to a Marxist).

From the brochure:
"This very special and amazing tour celebrates our nation's 44th President and one of the world's newest and most powerful leaders. Visitors will be taken on deluxe transportation to key historical locations and learn of the special events and the Hawaiian Culture that has played a key role in shaping President Obama's life. This tour is sure to give you extraordinary stories that can be shared for a lifetime".

Huh....how 'bout that.
"Historic locations and special events and the Hawaiian culture that played a key role in shaping his life"......"Extraordinary stories that can be shared for a lifetime".

Well maybe one day 505 will be elected President.....And then tour operators can host the President 505 Walking Tour of Waikiki.
And rest assured, "historic locations...special events....and extraordinary stories" might be a tad different from Obama's.....

Including, but not limited to.......

The Red Lion Bar on Beachwalk St, home of upside down shots and Jan the bartender who had the most attractive armpits 505 has ever laid eyes upon. (Thank God they put the premium scotch in the overhead storage areas above the barstools).

Augie's Beach Hut Breakfast Grill. Located poolside at the Outrigger Reef Hotel where the owner, cook and chief bottle washer prepared great eggs and bacon, was a man of few words, but far reaching wisdom.

Room 1833 of the Outrigger Towers where 505 received the haircut of his life from two topless Swedish hairdressers in exchange for a trip out to Hanauma Bay.

Sandy Beach, where 505 and his buddy George nearly met untimely ends when they were caught in a rip tide while body surfing. (The fact that we only had two hours of what can best be described as "non-restful" sleep the night before/morning of, did not help).

The Interline Club overlooking Waikiki Beach at the Outrigger Reef, a monument to days gone by when airline employees were treated with more respect than they deserved, and happy hours consisted of 50 cent cocktails and free pupu platters. A great way to start any evening of debauchery on Kalakaua Blvd.

America's banking system (the names change, but the banks are still there) located on Kalaukaua Blvd. They always had an ample supply of 2 dollar bills and Susan B. Anthony dollars available for purchase when we overspent the supply we smuggled in, all for the purpose of terrorizing bartenders and cash drawers in Waikiki haunts. No bar's evening reconciliation was ever accurate when 505 and the boys hit town.

The Shore Bird Lounge, beachside at the Outrigger Reef and home of the World's Longest Running Sunday Afternoon Bikini Contest, who's French manager surrendered one sabbath and allowed 505 and his buddies to drink for free (with "Executive Seating"), rather than have his cash drawers fouled up by 2 dollar bills and Susan B's.

Davy Jones' Locker...the underground bar at the Outrigger Reef, which featured a huge picture window behind the bar. A window that looked into the hotel pool and was conveniently located just beneath the diving board of the pool. A great place to unwind after a long day in the surf with a cordial while watching the end result of young lovelies diving into the pool with loose fitting bikinis.

Buzz's Steakhouse, (now gone, sigh) once located on Saratoga across from the Post Office where 505 never finished the Captain's Seafood Platter and they had the best salad bar in town. Not to be forgotten was it's sister property, Pieces of 8 Seafood House, located directly behind Buzz's on Beachwalk, home of the best steaks in Waikiki, and a selection of waitresses that could fill your fantasy menu of one night stands, 3 day weekends, and long term relationships. AND...their wallpaper consisted of flags from around the world, including an Alaska State Flag donated by our crew. (we got a free desert from the pikers for hauling it all the way across the Pacific Ocean).

The T-shirt shop in the International Market Place, where a specially designed tee was created for 505 one afternoon in response to his disgust at watching smiling Japanese tourists stroll up and down Kalakaua Blvd proudly wearing their "U.S.S. Arizona" baseball caps and T-shirts.
505's Tee Shirt featured a mushroom cloud with a caption that read.. "Made in America, Tested in Japan".

The Crow's Nest Lounge, located on top of some Pirate themed restaurant that we never ate in along Kalakaua. We never ate there cuz the door to the upstairs bar was the 1st entrance we came upon. Long time home (20+ years) of the acoustic duo "The Blue Kangaroo", two guys who besides being decent musicians, were the most insulting, quick witted comedians to ever entertain the tourists and troops. And God help a submariner from Pearl Harbor who stumbled in there unawares.
The laser tongued material hijacked from "The Blue Kangaroo" has gotten 505 into a lot of trouble in his life.
And the bar itself was kinda fun.....free peanuts and throw the shells on the floor.

Now, I ask you.....
Which Tour of Honolulu would you rather shell out 39 bucks for?

VOTE FOR 505 IN TWENTY TWELVE!!!

BUD SELIG TO SPEAK TO AMERICA'S SCHOOLCHILDREN ON TUESDAY

2009-09-04T10:30:00.006-06:00

In a stunning revelation yesterday, Major League Baseball announced that Commissioner Bud Selig will deliver an address to the students of Amerika via the MLB Network. During this special address, the Commissioner will speak directly to the nation’s children and youth about persisting and succeeding in baseball. The Commissioner will challenge students to work hard, set achievement goals, and take responsibility for their advancement, and to stay away from the evils of soccer.

Additionally, Major League Baseball, with the assistance of the Baltimore Catechists, er Orioles, has prepared packets for all classrooms in Amerika, that provide a menu of activities for educators to engage in before and after the speech.

Activities include writing exercises that include answering questions like:
Who is the Commissioner of Baseball?
Why is he the Commissioner of Baseball?
How can you be like the Commissioner of Baseball?
Why do you think he is speaking to you?
If you were the Commisioner of Baseball, what would you say to students?
How can students help the Commissioner of Baseball?

Finally, MLB is encouraging all schools to show a recent video production that features past and present Major League Baseball heroes pledging their allegiance to Baseball and Commissioner Selig.
Highlight of the video, entitled "I Pledge" includes a cameo of Derek Jeter appearing at the end saying...
"I Pledge To Be A Servant to Commissioner Selig".

In related news, the Soccer Mom's Who Drive Gas Guzzling Minivans Society has announced plans to withhold their children from school on Tuesday in protest over this planned speech by Commissioner Selig, voicing concerns about what they perceive as a "shameless attempt to brainwash the youth of Amerika".

Officials from MLB have dismissed these charges, asserting that the claims have no merit and are simply racially motivated, in view of the fact that far more African Americans play baseball than play soccer.

And that's just my opinion.....from two time zones away.

CELL PHONES MAY FRY YOUR BRAIN....LITERALLY

2009-09-03T07:40:00.003-06:00

In a report newseminated today by leading blogger Bob Mantz (click on his link to the right), it has been been reported for about the millionth time, that cell phones increase the risk of brain cancer and brain tumors.
Here's the link..
http://www.businesswire.com/portal/site/google/?ndmViewId=news_view&newsId=20090825005712&newsLang=en

In related news....
The Ted Kennedy Estate has released the recent brain cancer victim's Fav Five and mentioned that personal injury lawsuits are being considered. The Fav Five include... Michael Jackson, Elvis, Heidi Fleiss, Chris Matthews and Vineyard Liquors and Spirits.

Celebrities worldwide are reexamining their cell phone plans as well as their most frequent callers in an effort to cut down on usage.

However,
Keith "Hair" Olberman says he has no plans to eliminate Joseph Goebbels IV from his contact list.

Sean Hannity pooh-poohed the report and says he will continue, indeed increase his daily chats over his direct spirit line to former Senator Joseph McCarthy.

George W. Bush says he cannot find his cell phone, and asks if anyone finds it to please texture him a message with it's location.

President Barack Obama has asked America not to overreact to this news, as all brain cancer cases will be cured under article 4666, section 302, paragraph 705, lines 5335 through 8666 of his new Health Plan.

Sarah Palin announced that she just eliminated all 212 numbers from her Fav Five, including Bonwit Teller, Bloomingdales, Saks, Macy's and Fortunoffs.

John McCain says there is no need to eliminate any 907 area code numbers from his list, as he hasn't had any for months.

New York Met's Manager Jerry Manuel says he can't wait to eliminate the number to his bullpen.

The family of John Gunther, author of the novel Death Be Not Proud, has announced plans for a re-write and re-release of the acclaimed novel after signing on Verizon as a sponsor to the project.

Military Commanders in Afghanistan have announced plans to air drop 1 million fully charged cell phones over the mountains of Pakistan.

And yours truly has added the Pope's Confessional 900 Hotline to the top of his Fav Five after publishing this entry, fully realizing that it may already be too late to serve any purpose.

DO THIS, DON'T DO THAT, CAN'T YOU READ THE SIGN!!

2009-08-31T11:59:00.017-06:00

SIGNS I'D LIKE TO SEE.

Whole Foods...."FREE DIXIE CHICKS CD OR JANE FONDA VIDEO FOR EVERY $5.00 SPENT".

Yankee Stadium..."BOXSEATS $4.00".

Walmart....."GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE".

Starbucks....."NEW EASY TO READ MENU AND ONE FLAVOR OF COFFEE".

Any Airline..."NO EXTRA CHARGE TO LET YOU OFF OF OUR AIRPLANES".

Computer Service Store......"DOES YOUR PC BYTE?".

U.S. Congress......"WE CHEAT THE OTHER GUY AND PASS THE MONEY ONTO YOU".

White Castle Hamburger....."WHY DO YOU THINK WE'RE OPEN AFTER THE BARS CLOSE?".

DWI Checkpoint......"BREATHE DEEP, THE GATHERING GLOOM".

Firestone Tire....."PRACTICE SAFE DRIVING, PURCHASE NEW RUBBERS".

Trojan Condoms...."CORRECT YOUR PARENTS MISTAKES, USE BIRTH CONTROL".

Bed, Bath and Beyond....."YOUR ONE STOP SOURCE FOR HAPPY ENDINGS".

1-800-FTD...."YOUR OTHER ONE STOP SOURCE FOR HAPPY ENDINGS".

Neighborhood Liquor Store..."GUARANTEED ONE STOP SOURCE FOR HAPPY ENDINGS".

Chicago Pizza......"WE MAKE WONDER BREAD AND RAGU PRESENTABLE".

Fenway Park...."CLOSED BY ORDER OF HEALTH DEPT AND LACK OF INTEREST".

Nassau Coliseum...."HOME OF THE 5 TIME STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS...NEW YORK ISLANDERS".

505 ACHIEVES FACEBOOK MILESTONE, WEEKLONG CELEBRATIONS PLANNED.

2009-08-29T16:21:00.009-06:00

While much of America was being force fed what will perhaps be the last installment of the "Kennedy Mystique" that dominated the political and social landscape of the 60's and 70's, I achieved a milestone in contemporary culture by securing my 100th "Facebook Friend".
(No, not my dog Huck, as pictured here, I found a breathing, typing 2 legged homo sapien....but who better to represent "friendship" than a dog?).

As our out of touch media elite delivered virtual 24/7 coverage of Ted Kennedy's funeral and effused endlessly about the "hope and humanity" that the Kennedy's brought to the American experience, I was busy recruiting on the virtual network in the hopes of improving my own experience by finding another human friend.

While pundits like Matthews and Olberman were waxing nostalgic about the "Liberalism" that the Kennedy's brought to American politics, I was shamelessly promoting myself on Facebook with offers of wonderful gifts and fabulous prizes to anyone who would help me reach the coveted self-important Three Digit Mark of Facebook Friendships.

And while these same pundits were conveniently neglecting to point out that the "Liberalism" as espoused by Jack Kennedy in 1960, has been slaughtered 2 score and 9 times by Democrats and Republicans and effete media like themselves in the almost 50 years since, I was pointing out to anyone who would be my 100th friend on Facebook that what you see is what you get.....no bullshit....no false promises....no bastardizing of any of my messages.

Cuz 49 years ago, Jack Kennedy, the First in The Triumvirate of Kennedy Liberals, the man who laid the groundwork for what was to be our "Great Society" uttered the words which were supposed to be the mantra and the foundation of "Liberalism" in the last half of the 20th Century...words that have been clearly lost, conveniently forgotten and mostly destroyed in the 2009 version of "Liberalism".

"Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country".

I simply told the Facebook Nation that I would provide daily entertainment, inspiring banter, snarky repertoire (and fabulous prizes) if someone would do something for me, at no expense or great outlay of resources on their part, other than putting up with my nonsense, if they so freely chose to be my Friend.
No mandates, no demands on anyone that this was "my right" to have 100 friends, and that someone needed to pony up.

And I am honored to say that I had as much success with my vision today, as the Kennedy's had with their's in a half century of effort.

It's amazing what can be accomplished when you stick to simple principles.

Time to "Be Like Ted" and celebrate my success as all great Irishmen would, after I provide Huck with his dog given right to a daily extended walk.

I would be remiss to not extend a special shoutout to Mrs. Charlie Chilkoot (Jessica Biel, Diane Lane and Charlize Theron declined my offers...shocking), who jumped at the offer of fabulous prizes and became the official "505's 100th Facebook Friend".
I'll do my best to make sure she never regrets her decision. (well... as long as she has some patience and understanding).
Drinks are on me Mrs. Koots, should we ever overcome the barrier of virtuality.

On to the 505th!!

THE DAY OLE TEDDY DROVE HER OFF, THE ONE LANE CHAPPAQUIDDICK BRIDGE

2009-08-26T23:26:00.007-06:00

With apologies to Jeannie C. Riley and the Harper Valley PTA.
Word from the cosmic Edwardian grapevine beyond is that Mary Jo is hoping to attend the wake and funeral for the departed Ted Kennedy. But she's concerned that her hair won't dry in time and that no one will know who she is.

But enough....I'll go no further....no comparisons to the hatred that America still lashes upon Michael Vick for killing dogs, no indignant rants about how Plaxico Burress can get two years for stupidity, yet a drunk driver who killed someone and left the scene can be lionized as "A Great American"......Nope... no comments about the hypocrisy that pervades our Great Society.

I had other plans for today.
And I'm not gonna allow the morbid idolatry that immerses All Things Kennedy, a family endowed via questionable activities like bootlegging and stock market manipulation (Ivan Boesky would feel terrorized by Joe Kennedy), to sidetrack me from the original plans for today.

Nope.....breathe deep 505'ers.
And exhale.
Release all that ails you...

It's Time for Tunes For Thursday.
A little music (cuz we love music don't we?) to get ready for Friday and the weekend.
So take a coupla minutes, click the link, play the music (you may have to download MP3), read along and enjoy the song. (Yes, I detect a strong Goo-Goo Dolls influence here as well as Pure Prairie League)

http://www.will-johnson.net/music-5.html

And then try this little instrumental by the same artist. (Satrianni anyone?)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXu33-_jN8g

But, since I'm really an old blues guy at heart.....here's my choice for Song of the Summer 2009.
Click the play button in the upper right corner.

http://www.last.fm/music/Curtis+Salgado/_/20+Years+of+B.B.+King

I like 'em....

But that's just my opinion.....

TEXAS RANGERS RUMORED FOR SALE, COULD "W" RETURN AS OWNER?

2009-08-25T17:34:00.027-06:00

Top 10 Stuff That Could Happen If "W" Buys Rangers.

10/Rangers Ballpark in Arlington is renamed "The Halliburton Launderpad" after successful completion of a single source RFP bidding process. Dick Cheney cuts the opening day ribbon and accidentally impales Ranger slugger Josh Hamilton, makes it up to Hamilton with a case of Scotch and an ounce of Pashtun Gold.

9/Ranger Scouts immediately embark on a mission to locate "Hitters of Mass Destruction", focussing on the Pittsburgh and Washington organizations.

8/Upon winning Game One of the ALCS, George swoops into the Ranger locker room on the back of Gene Autry's stuffed horse to proclaim "Mission Accomplished".

7/The Ranger's Coaching Staff introduces color coded hand signals to give signs to hitters and pitchers. Red for fastball, Blue for bunt etc. Former Mets are confused.

6/Tony Blair signs on as a consultant and the VP of International Sales and Strategery. Donald Rumsfeld is fired after submitting his resume.

5/The Official Team Slogan becomes "Git Mo Wins".

4/One time skipper Bobby Valentine returns from Japan to manage the team, players rename his doghouse Ahso Ghrave.

3/Nolan Ryan fathers a son by Condoleeza Rice...Baseball has it's first right handed pitcher who fires pre-emptive strikes and has four balls.

2/Three American League teams, the Yankees, Boston and the team known as California, er Los Angeles, er Anaheim, er Battered Angels Of The OC, are publicly declared by W to be members of "The Trionahat of Evil".

1/Keith "Hair" Olbermann and Rachel "Foaming" Maddog quit MSNBC (please?). Al "Ha, I Passed My Pee Test" Franken leaves the Senate (pretty please?). All three complete a 30 day SUNY Cornell online umpiring course at http://www.moelarrycurley.com/ and petition MLB for exclusive assignments in Texas. Barney Frank smiles at the vision of W's hands wrapped around a 34/31 wood Louisville Slugger on opening day.

(Ya didn't think I was gonna completely ignore the rules of equal time, now didja?)

THE APPENDIX MAKES A COMEBACK!

2009-08-25T13:04:00.009-06:00

In a report written for the Aug 12th "Journal of Evolutionary Biology", (a publication that is, incidentally, found on the favorite list of Jerry Falwell's home computer) scientists have discovered that every body's favorite whipping organ, the appendix, is in fact, a viable and important contributor to the carbon framework that we spend a lifetime hellbent on destroying.

Maybe I'm being a little too optimistic, but, if THE APPENDIX can make a successful comeback after centuries of Darwinian abuse and disdain, maybe....just maybe...

We'll see kids delivering newspapers to every home in America from their bicycles?

The Slinky will be a Christmas stocking stuffer, and not the latest Paris Hilton clothing ensemble?

"Home Cooked Dinner" will be the real thing and no longer an advertising lead for nouveau-chic takeout joints?

"Professional Dog Walkers" will take their rightful place in the trash heap of American service industries?

Higher Education will be resurrected with a more traditional definition within our Public School Systems?

Television newscasts will merely report the news? In monotone? (Indeed, black and white might not be a bad idea, either.)

Barbara Billingsley, Ronnie Howard, Henry Winkler, Bill Cosby, Jay North and Barbara Eden will unite to produce and perform in a prime time sit-com entitled....."We Knew Best"?

Okay, FINE, Minnesota readers, you betcha, since we're talking about comebacks, I'll state the obvious,
Brett Favre will lead the Vikings to the Super Bowl?
(But wouldn't it be more appropriate for Bud "My Super Bowl Teams Needed A Stimulus" Grant to do it?)

And finally, the Chicago Cubs will win the ........eh, never mind......what am I thinking?

Miracles only occur during Grace Slick/Marty Balin hallucinatory collaborations.

1969--A TALE OF TWO TEAMS

2009-08-23T12:06:00.022-06:00

EDITORS NOTE---Today's scheduled doubleheader postponed due to an attack of melancholy

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the year of Seaver, it was the year of Womack; it was the apex of miracles, it was the nadir of misery; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the autumn of victory, it was the summer of despair; they had everything before them, we had nothing before us; all Mets fans were going directly to Heaven, we were all going the other way."

Yesterday, the Met's paid tribute to what is easily the most storied team in their history, the '69 team of Seaver and Koosman and Agee and Swoboda.
Great.....where can I find a copy of Richard Nixon's inaugural speech to relive?

It was no fun being a declared Yankee fan in the Summer of '69 (especially as a 14 year old).
And I emphasize "declared" because, New Yorkers being New Yorkers, I knew a lot of "frontrunning huckleberries" (props to Phil Rizzuto and apologies to my dog, Huck) who magically became Met's fans that summer. And while I almost forgive them for their spineless, chickenshit, traitorous, backstabbing, shallow dedication to what was and still is the Greatest Sport's Franchise in the galaxy, I can't say that I really blame them for going Benedict.
Cuz the Yankees really sucked that year.

What the hippies and Hendrix and acid did for the legacy of Woodstock, so too did the '69 Yankees and Len Boehmer and Frank Tepedino do for the legacy of Charlie Brown.
While America found a way to put a Man on The Moon in 1969 without any gizmos like Neverlost or GPS, barely a million people found their way to Yankee Stadium. And it took a lot of bat days, ball days, fat girls get in free day and "we'll provide a personal guard to watch your car day" to draw that million.

Mickey Mantle had retired in 1968, and so too had the Yankee Mystique as well as a lot of fans. But don't get me wrong....the '69 Yankees had a lot of players who left their mark on the game of baseball. Mind you, not like Ruth, Gehrig, Dimaggio, Mantle, et.al...more like the way my dog leaves his mark on soccer fields.

Yes, believe it or not you adorers of Seaver, Ryan, Koosman, Grote, Harrelson, Jones and Swoboda, some members of that despaired '69 Yankee team have their place in baseball history as well.

Ron Blomberg has the distinction of becoming the first Designated Hitter in Baseball. (The WORST thing to ever happen to baseball besides the construction of Fenway Park).
Mike Kekich and Fritz Peterson went on to fame and glory by closing the deal on the most notorious trade in baseball history (their wives).
Joe Pepitone was a man ahead of his time and will always be known as the forerunner of metrosexuality in America. He sold far more hair blowers in his time than he had hits, indeed, if he was still carefully and gingerly placing his cap on today, he would probably PAY to play in the largest hair blower on earth, the Minnesota Metrosexualdome.
And where would the legacy of Michael Jackson be without Horace Clarke? The Yankee second baseman who singlehandedly made televised crotch adjustments acceptable in America. It was the only thing we Yankee fans had to look forward to when "Hoss" (It wasn't til I was much older that I understood the significance of that nickname) stepped into the batter's box.
Al Downing will forever be known as the guy who gave up Henry Aaron's 715th Home Run. (Ray Charles could have hit that pitch).
And who can forget Steve Hamilton's contribution to the Hallowed Circus of Baseball?http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WFvp7kMraAw
Not to go unnoticed is Yank's reliever Lindy McDaniel, a pitcher who's goose-stepping mechanics probably traumatized a large NY demographic away from Yankee Stadium that year.

Oh yeah, the Yankees record in 1969 was 80-81. It was a 162 game season in 1969. The 162nd game was cancelled due to lack of interest.

The Yankees were falling off the radar, not just in New York, but all around baseball as well.
The suits at CBS, who owned The Yanks, had run the franchise into the ground. (Damn You Walter Cronkite)
As 1969 is arguably the apex of The Mets franchise, just as arguably was it the lowest point in Yankee history.
There was even talk for awhile, as CBS was starting to look for a buyer of the franchise, that the Yankees would leave New York. And from what I remember? Nobody really cared that much.
It was no fun fighting off the pubescent travails of acne and being a Yankee fan back then.

But at least I didn't follow the lead of Madame Defarge and take up knitting.

SATURDAY..IN THE PARK, BUT WELL BEYOND THE 4TH OF JULY

2009-08-22T11:28:00.018-06:00

People sing-ing.... people laugh-ing.
The Yanks kicked the Red Sox ass.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa,
505's eating ice cream.

And whether the score was 25 or 6 to 4, or 1-0, one thing is clear, at this point in the season, it's much closer to midnight for the Red Sox than 20 to 11.
Does anybody really know what time it is?
Was last night only the beginning?
I just hope this Blosox crushing becomes a hard habit to break for the Yankees.
(It's a shame the Yanks didn't sign Ochocinco to kick that extra point last night and make it a clean 21........I know, I know....badddddd....couldn't resist)

Elsewhere....
I'm lovin' this crying game about whether South African runner, Caster Semenya is a male or a female.
Is it too late to cast he/she on Entourage as a college student for a chance dorm encounter with Vince and settle this dispute once and for all?
And where are all the "Obama's not an American" protesters to take up the cause of purity in International Racing? Cuz with a surname like "Semenya", I gotta wonder if the Russians aren't trying to flood the international racing market with their home-growns.
Usain Bolt just won a 2nd gold and set another record in the worlds.
That's the good news....the bad news is....he failed his post-race pap smear.

Brett Favre gave delusional Viking's fans a taste of what's to come last night.
Sure, it's pre-season and very early in his acclimation/training.
So he hits stride in late September through November.
Have any of you flush with Leinenkugel walleyes checked his December and beyond stats over the last four years?
They drop faster than Obama's post inaugural popularity numbers.
13 TD's and 31 INT's in December.
(Thanks to Bob Glauber of Newsday http://www.newsday.com/sports/football/glauber-s-nfl-hot-reads-1.811959 for those stats)

That's it for today, time to break out the 64 count Crayola Coloring Box so I can go colour my world.

A rare Sunday Doubleheader on tap for tomorrow.

T-I-M-E O-U-T!!!

I just put this blog to rest and walked outside my office to make the 120 ft walk across the building parking lot to the convenience store next door.
And in the space of 45 seconds, two things occurred that made me say to myself...
"WTF has happened to our society?"

At the 45 foot mark of my Ciggie Trek, (still not breathing hard), a woman was on a heading from the gas pumps that was gonna result in a collision at the intersection of Front and Door. So, I picked up my step.
She picked up her gait. I went a little faster...So did she.....
I finally said to her "Lady, I'm gonna hold the door open for you, You can be first on line inside!!"
She gave me a sheepish grin, displaying a slight embarassment, and barely muttered a "thank you".
Ladies.......can't you at least give us guys A CHANCE to display a little chivalry and common courtesy once in awhile? And if we fail your expectations, just chalk it up as an unintended consequence of all things NOW? And I mean either the movement or the attitude that grips all lives today.
GEEZ........
So I go inside the store (2nd in line) and what's the 1st thing that I see? (I'm in there virtually everyday, I can tell ya where to find any item in the store).
A Brand New Sign hanging behind the counter.
A Sales Incentive Program for the clerks to "suggest sell" Lottery Scratchers.
Huh?? The State Run Lottery Program is INCENTIVIZING clerks to try to suck "poor people's" ("the poor" are the largest purchasing demographic) money out of their purses and wallets with point of purchase selling techniques?
(Which for those of you who do not know, are the most effective ways to sell a product, far more effective than any kind of advertising....hint hint....all the nonsense about tobacco companies and TV advertising) .
Where do I sign up for the 20 year retirement, 200K/yr job ,with fully paid taxpayer benefits to train the clerks in POP Sales Techniques?
Lord Help Us.

Please people.......don't ever let ANYONE ever convince you that the Government, any government, is out to "protect the poor". Elementary Bullshit 101.
It's all part of the end game of Manifest Destiny.
Or...staying within today's original theme...."Manifest Destiny's Child".

When governments run out of countries to conquer abroad, they look for new empires to build at home.

Just my opinion.

FRIDAY JOE WITH 2 CREAMS, ONE SUGAR AND JUST A FEW FACTS MA'M

2009-08-21T00:58:00.017-06:00

In Thursday's headlines, former NY Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress received a 2 year jail sentence for shooting himself in a New York bar last year.
During sentencing Judge Huang M. Hai noted that Mr. Burress would have received a lighter sentence had he followed Donte Stallworth's lead and killed the victim.
And in a touching post trial moment, members of the 2009 Wackenhut NFL All Arrested Team, including Donte Stallworth, Aqib Taylor, Kolo Kapanui, Vonta Leach, Travis Henry, Biren Ealy, Donte Whitner, Jamal Williams, Cornell Green, Matt Jones, Brandon Marshall, Darrell Reid, Michael Merritt, Leroy Hill, Jonathan Dekker, and Vincent Jackson were in the holding cell at the Courthouse to welcome their new teammate.

In related news, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced that the NFL is looking at stimulus offers from the Obama Administration that would include a Super Bowl to be held in San Quentin in 2018.
"We should be able to field a home team by then", said Goodell.

In Hockey News from Canada, Corey Fulton of the OHL's Brantford Blasts was still walking the streets a free man, despite being involved in an on ice fight that killed 21 year old Whitby Dunlop defenseman Don Sanderson in December.
The spokesman for the Ontario Attorney General's Office, Don Cherry, said he expects the statute of limitations to expire any day now.

Brett Favre attended his first Vikings practice in Eden Prairie on Thursday. He took 6 snaps during the team's 90 minute morning workout, completed two passes in 53 minutes, and then retired, not unexpectedly, from Professional Football.
Brett then had lunch (hot dish and lutefisk) at Joe Senser's Sport's Grill , signed his newly retired jersey, sold it on E-Bay, shot a 5 point buck in the parking lot, and returned, not unexpectedly, to the Vikings afternoon practice where he signed, not unexpectedly, a 2 hour/3 million dollar contract with options for two additional 1 hour appearances at 1.5 million each.

As part of our weekly updates on the "new and improved" Newsday website, Chicago Norm of Newsday's blogsite "The Final Score" published a list of all twitter addresses for Newsday's Sports reporters and columnists on his blog Thursday.
Which makes me wonder whether fellow Final Score bloghost Jim Baumbach, a longtime critic of the New York Islanders "shameless attempts to put fannies in the seats", will criticize his partner's "shameless attempt to put eyes on the website". There are no reports on whether Baumbach will ask former Islander Coach Al Arbour to write a guest column for the blogsite. A column that would push Coach Arbour's "name mentions" on the site above the one million mark.....if it's counted in Jim's book.
In related news, the Obama Administration announced that if and when Newsday begins charging consumers for access to the new website, the purchase price paid for a subscription will certainly fit the definition of "Cash for Clunkers", but that consumers will not be eligible for any type of cash rebate, indeed, consumers may be subject to an additional 25% idiot tax.

And that's just my opinion for this Friday.....from two time zones away.

KEEPING PUPPIES IN THE BOX

2009-08-20T09:57:00.025-06:00

With all of the nonsense going on in the world, I was tempted to pull out the political cap and bore everyone with my latest rants about the hypocrisy that is smothering America today, the way working to capacity steel mills used to blanket the Cleveland Skyline that I never saw when I lived there in the late 70's.

I could wax poetic about the indignant outrage expressed by "many" who find it offensive that people are "bussed in" to protest town hall meetings. The same "many" who never complained when Blacks were "bussed into" Washington in the 60's to fight for their civil rights. The same "many" who climbed into their psychedelically colored VW minivans and bussed themselves cross country to protest the Vietnam War. But I won't, even though I just did...cuz it's.....entertaining in a bizarre and humorous kinda way.

I could wax poetic about even more indignant outrage expressed by "many" over the name calling and hurled epithets and unruly behavior at these town hall meetings, on blogs, and especially on Fox News. The same "many" who are either too young or too dementiaed to remember the more deadly unruly behavior that occured in the Race Riots of the 60's and 70's, or the week long violence and bloodletting that occurred at the Convention Of Our Current Ruling Party in 1968. And are we that stoned or stupid that we forget all the nasty names and epithets that were foisted upon Bush and Cheney over the previous 8 years? (Repeat after me... Keith Olbermann). But I won't, even though I just did....cuz it's......entertaining in a bizarre and humorous kinda way.

NOPE.....Not gonna go there today (okay, maybe I did...call me a liar....just not a hypocrite).
I'm gonna rant about something completely different.

Parenting.
Life's most important job.

(I consider it 2nd in degree of difficulty to, but not much different than, Keeping Puppies In The Box)

The job that we receive no remuneration for, fill out no applications for, receive no formal education or training for, get no vacations from, no sick days, the job that features a Grass Roots Retirement Program, i.e. we're officially retired when we can see the roots while lying on our back, the job that is nevertheless the most important task given to us by The Boss.

Why parenting?
Cuz I just got a reminder that, no matter how chronologically distanced our kids are from Pampers, no matter how wise and mature and self-sufficient they are, no matter how many times you pat yourself on the back for a job well done, you still gotta answer the claxon bell from time to time and help fend off a kamikaze attack.

In a nutshell....
My own Princess Grace, my personal apple of Daddy's eye, is getting married in October.
It will be an outstanding and wonderful event.
The event that all young girls (and proud Dad's) dream of.
An event that I have been distancing myself from the logistics of as much as I can, for the sake of peace and sanity for all involved (okay, especially for MY sanity..cuz my momma din't raise no foo).
But despite the best intentions, especially during events as mind numbing and hectic and crazy as weddings.....brides can get a little....uh....how can I say this nicely......carried away?
Once again, just when you think you are done being a parent, Nature (Human or Mother, take your pick) reminds you that.....

"Heh Heh......gotcha again...step up big fella."

So, "Daddy" had to temporarily morph back to "Father" and put on the Darth Vader Helmet.
And now we've got an intergalactic war on our hands.

But it's good....it's all good....cuz....like everything else in the stormy universe.....this too shall pass..

And I'll gratefully keep this job called parent.....it's a great job.....best job I ever had....

Cuz it's....entertaining in a bizarre and humorous kinda way.

BRET FAVRE INKS MAJOR CONTRACT...BUT NOT THE ONE YOU'RE THINKING.

2009-08-18T11:40:00.003-06:00

While the football and media world took their chances by flying Northwest Airlines into Minneapolis today to cover the latest chapter in the never going away Brett Favre saga, the big news in Brett's world is THE OTHER contract he signed today.

Glaxo Smith Kline announced this morning that Favre has been named the National Spokesperson for Valtrex.

"Just like that pesky little virus our drug is so effective in treating," said Valtrex North American Sales Manager Dick "Spot" Inouye, "Brett Favre just never goes away....indeed...we are pleased to have someone with Brett's staying power on board"

Terms of the contract were announced, with Favre signing a 5 year contract for 5 million dollars, with options for another 5 years, and another 5 years, and another 5 years, and another 5 years.

"We haven't had as powerful a spokesman as Brett Favre since our CLIO award winning campaign featuring Douglas McArthur and the 'I Shall Return' slogan", said GSK's Inouye. "We look forward to this long term relationship".

Favre refused to comment on the signing, citing personal reasons.

In other sports news today....

Tom Seaver was talking to the Mets' Omar Minaya and Fred Wilpon about a possible return.

Theo Epstein was talking to Alcor Life Extension Foundation about thawing out Ted Williams.

And Nolan Ryan was talking to himself about a return to the Texas Rangers.

ESPN TO TELEVISE ENGLISH SOCCER--505 COUNTS DOWN THE DAYS TO ARMAGEDDON

2009-08-17T13:21:00.011-06:00

Newsday's inimitable Neil Best has reported on his blog, http://www.newsday.com/blogs/sports/watchdog-1.812020/espn2-to-show-a-package-of-premier-league-soccer-1.1374264 that ESPN will begin televising English Premier League Soccer.
What's next?
Bravo Network sends Nina Garcia and Tim Gunn to Teheran in search of unique Burkha designers? It sickens me to think that Seal would have to get to Heidi Klum by negotiating through layers of canvas.
Likewise, I break out in hives when I see kids running around my old baseball haunts kicking a soccer ball on the freshly sodded infield dirt.

So grab a hot dog and a Coke, (much tastier than bangers, tacos and goat's milk), sit back and discover why this "Soccer in America Phenomenom" must be stopped.....NOW.

AKA.......

Why Soccer Is The Harbinger of The Downfall of The American Civilization.
America has long been the Beacon of Light in a foggy world. Everything about this country, whether it's our approach to politics, education, economics, religion, sex, entertainment, and especially sports has been unique and vastly different than the rest of the world. That's why our ancestors came over here starting in the 1500's with their tired and their poor, to get away from the way things were done in the Old and Third Worlds. To carve out a Brave New World, where stuff is done differently, and the shackles of Planet Earth ineptitude are discarded.

And America flourished. As did uniquely American sports.
Baseball, Football, Basketball, Softball and even Volleyball ruled the land.
America ruled the world.

Now enter circa 1970's. Thanks to ABC's Curt Gowdy and Roone Arledge (the unwitting quislings in this mess) , we were introduced to a sport that ruled the rest of the wide world of sports. A sport that was played in every other corner of the world, but not so much here.
A sport who's hero, Pele, shared that moniker with the Hawaiian GODDESS OF DANCE.
And so began the inexorable decline of The American Empire.

Kids who lacked the hand eye coordination to hit a baseball....were encouraged to play soccer, in lieu of working at improving their skills.
Parent's who dreaded football knee and back injuries....made their kids play soccer.
Kid's who couldn't figure out which foot to elevate off of for a layup......had no problems kicking a soccer ball.

America began losing it's uniqueness and started looking like "the rest of the world".

Our schoolyards now look like Wembley Stadium.....no diamonds, no goal posts....just a boring piece of greenery.
We have a generation of kids who thinks it's okay to roll around in feigned crumpled agony whenever someone "invades their space".
These same kids have been raised playing a sport where "everyone gets to play", abilities notwithstanding, and that mindset now carries over into real life, and every subset of American culture is clamoring for "equal rights".
We've got a huge segment of society that can no longer hammer a nail, or even change a lightbulb....cuz they never played a sport that fostered proper hand eye coordination.
Standing up for oneself, challenging authority, getting involved in a decent argument is now frowned upon and avoided for fear of being given a color coded card of political incorrectness.

More importantly, while all of this was going on, Detroit was catering to the well publicized and glamorized "soccer mom" demographic by building gas guzzling minivans, increasing our dependence on foreign oil, and in effect, shaping our foreign policy as successive Administrations had to ensure that Little Johnnies and Jennifers had a way to get to their soccer practices.

And how can we possibly compete against the Asians (baseball RULES across the Pacific) in this 21st Century Economic Beast that is mouse click driven.... where fortunes can be lost by slow reaction time between hand and eye? Is someone gonna design a foot mouse for our new nationwide army of chairbound Grass Fairies?

C'mon people.....stop the madness. (I've got LOTS more....but there are space limitations here)
Send this game (and I use that word VERY LOOSELY) of soccer back to where it belongs. Outside of OUR borders.

Reclaim and Preserve our American Ways (flawed as they are).

Just my opinion

Sunday Morning....Why 505 loves America

2009-08-15T22:25:00.008-06:00

There is so much incredibly wonderful live music.
Whether it's a corner bar with an acoustic guitar singer struggling under his/her slightly off-key vocal, or that hotel lounge singer backed up by the all black blues band who say to themselves "man what am I doing here".

When the American Experience finally passes into the night (like all civilizations do, and in our case THANKS TO SOCCER) the one element that will survive forever is the love, appreciation, and demonstration of music that will be the legacy passed on.

What a kaleidoscope of beauty we have enjoyed.
Especially in the last 100 years.
At least 25 different genres of music have emerged, all of them popular at least, all of them wonderful at best.

I just can't imagine myself living during 1400-1900 AD Earth when everyone was awaiting the next German or Austrian Wagnerian composer to emerge and kill the 1812 Overture that was embedded in my head.

God Bless The American Experience.
May it live longer than a thousand year reich.

Cuz we like music......Don't We?

And Please.....Don't forget to tip your waitresses and bartenders on the way out.

FRIDAY FULL FRONTAL ASSAULT

2009-08-14T10:33:00.005-06:00

As the sage and erudite unelected Mayor of Bird Creek Alaska and regular Bird House bartender Hugh Cruikshank used to tell me in the early 80's:
"The only thing protecting me from a pre-frontal lobotomy is the free bottle in front of me".

With that in mind let's head into the weekend with a few snippets and observations before breaking for happy hour.

Olympic Swimming Icon Michael Phelps was involved in a car accident in Baltimore. Police say that alcohol was not a factor in the mishap. However, they are investigating reports that he was listening to a soundtrack that included songs from "Dark Side of The Moon", "Brain Salad Surgery" and "Skeleton's From The Closet". (What? no "Live at The Fillmore" for long stretches of highway driving?)

Does anyone know that Terrell Owens has a TV show? Does everyone wonder why? Can someone explain to me how that show would fit within the genre of reality TV?

Rick Pitino will be having lunch with Bill Clinton at a restaurant in Louisville on Saturday. Conversation will be a no holds barred, everyone on the table discussion about infidelity. (Doesn't Karen Sypher LOOK like Jennifer Flowers?)

Figure skating legend Scott Hamilton is returning to do a benefit for the Cleveland Clinic.
Officials from the Obama Administration have notified event organizers that the most they can charge for tickets is $10.00, and that only people who work in businesses with an annual payroll of less than $250,000.00 are eligible to purchase them.

Newsday, owners of the world's worst "new and improved" website, announced today that until further notice, comments about Neil Best's blog will appear on Ken Davidoff's blog, comments about Bob Glauber's blog will appear on Steve Zipay's blog and comments about Jim Baumbach's blog are pretty damn funny and spot on, but good luck finding them.

The International Olympic Committee has announced that golf will be on the menu for 2016.
So let me get this straight. I get more of John Daly and Craig Stadler at the expense of Jennie Finch and Cat Osterman?
The judge from two time zones away scores that a 1.9 for artistic merit.

Where's that bottle.......

GREG LOGAN OUT AS NEWSDAY'S ISLANDER BEAT REPORTER

2009-08-13T17:11:00.006-06:00

This is a sad day for the New York Islanders, (I am an Islander fan in case you couldn't tell by my handle), their fans and the faithful readers of the only newspaper that assigns a full time reporter to cover the Islanders.

Greg Logan will no longer be covering the Islanders for Newsday.
I have known Greg for a little over 2 years now.
My first venture into commenting/blogging about sports was on Greg's Newsday/Islander blog. Greg was never a prolific "blogger" for Newsday, he limited his entries to 2/3/4 times per week, while some of his brethren at Newsday write 3/4/5 times a day.
Frequent blogging was not Greg's style. He avoided a lot of the nonsense that litters the blog world (I plead guilty as charged) and was strictly a nuts and bolts, real stuff, old fashioned newspaper guy.

He never tried to entertain anyone, he always tried to inform everyone.

And as the Islander beat reporter, he was outstanding at his job.

I have met with Greg on a couple of occasions. What brought us together was a long rambling comment I made about New Mexico chiles on one of his blogs that he found amusing (sick person). Turns out that Greg is originally from NM, in fact was born and raised just 2 blocks from where I currently live in the 505. So we enjoyed a good chuckle about the irony of him now living in my breeding ground of LI and covering my favorite hockey team, while I now reside in his childhood home two time zones away in a hockey wasteland. (No more Scorps!!--again... for now...again)

I shall dearly miss Greg Logan as Newsday's beat reporter.

Concurrently, I wish nothing but success and good fortune for his replacement, the "spunky" (as monikered by Newsday's Neil Best) Katie Strang.
She has some big skates to fill.
I have met her on occasion as well, once during the Islander draft party in 2008, and once, incredibly, on a random D train at the 125th St Station while I was on my way to the final game at Yankeee Stadium.
She's got all the credentials, she has all of the potential, she has the ability to become an outstanding beat reporter.
I hope she has great success and makes the most of this opportunity.
And the word "opportunity" is understated here.....cuz with all of the shit going on with the Isles right now (Lighthouse, Kansas City, youth movement...I could fill the entire blog) Katie will be a very busy young lady (more on that when we get closer to hockey season and I take my Yankee cap off).

Good luck Greg Logan, no matter where the beat takes you. You are a great JOURNALIST and a better person.

Kick some ass Katie.... I PREDICT you will be awesome.
But it's all on you girlfriend.

Just my opinion...

RACISM YESTERDAY---WHY NOT SEXISM TODAY?

2009-08-12T12:11:00.004-06:00

As long as the entire country is wrapped up in this attempt by the Obamarxists to socialize the Nation's Health System, what better time to wax about an issue that has been bothering me for a long time.

Can anyone explain to me why every town in America now has a "Women's Hospital"? Yet I am still scouring the countryside in search of a "Men's Hospital"?

Do ailments like prostate cancer and male pattern baldness not count in the grand scope of gender specific health issues?
(And ladies, if you think I am kidding about male pattern baldness being a health issue, how come you all find it so painful to pull our hair out of the shower drain?)

How come I've never been solicited to donate or to take part in a 5K Run (yeah right, RUN?..got anything that includes a La-Z-Boy?) For Erectile Dysfunction?

How come Major League Baseball never has blue bat day?

And how come there are signs that say "Quiet Zone" around Women's Hospitals?
Isn't that kinda like hanging a "Drug Free Zone" sign around the Kennedy Compound?

There is NO WAY I am going along with any Obamarxist plan to socialize our health system until some basic gender inequalities are addressed.

And speaking of sex....next up?.....505's missive entitled "There Will Never Be Equality of The Sexes in America Until there is Sexual Equality In America"
Coming soon.

Just my opinion...

MICHAEL VICK IS RETURNING TO FOOTBALL--SHEETS EMERGE FROM CLOSETS

2009-08-11T01:16:00.004-06:00

One of the most hotly debated topics on Bob Glauber's Newsday blog (http://www.newsday.com/sports/football/glauber-s-nfl-hot-reads-1.811959)
the past few months was the return of Michael Vick to the NFL.
(Unfortunately or fortunately, it is no longer....but for reasons other than the story).

Michael Vick is a convicted felon. He abused dogs. Heinously.
I love dogs. Have always had one. Enjoyed 4 of them when I lived in Alaska.
In fact, I consider myself somewhat of a suburban Cesar Millan. I cried when my last dog Ruby (she was a good dog) didn't wake up one morning. I get a huge smile every day when Huck (nobody loves Huck) greets me with his smiling face and wiggling butt when I come home.
I enjoy a dog's company more than I enjoy the company of most humans. Dogs are easily the most non-judgemental species that sheds in our homes. There is simply no better friend than man's best friend.
(I have a different attitude towards cats....but that's a subject for another blog).

With that said, I don't give a howl about the fact that heinous dog abuser Michael Vick is being allowed back on the football field.
BIG EFFIN DEAL.
It's the American Way, isn't it?
Commit a crime, do the time, we'll loan ya a dime.
Right?

So why is there SO MUCH antipathy, angst, indeed hatred being expressed from so many corners of America toward the prospect of Michael Vick returning to his job?

I just can't help but think that a lot of it, MOST of it, is a manifestation of some residual racism that continues to plague the inner sanctums of non-Black America's subconscious. A small measure of racism that is spewing forth behind a convenient vision of Lassie and Old Yeller lying on a street in bloodied pain.
Cuz who didn't/couldn't love Lassie and Old Yeller?
But c'mon folks.....these are animals we're talking about.
Let's not confuse them with virgin white women in small southern towns of Mississippi and Alabama in the 1800's.

I can't help but think that if this story was about Brett Favre (who kills..the ultimate animal torture.. A LOT of animals now as a hunter....but that's "legal") it would not be met with anywhere near the intensity that Michael Vick is facing now.
Hell, we put Joe Dimaggio in the Baseball Hall of Fame and he was a well known (never convicted or even arrested) physical abuser of two legged animals....i.e. the women in his life.
Billy Martin pounded the crap out of enough two legged animals in drunken bar brawls to be put away for years, but we gave him legendary stature.
Just last year a young hockey player was killed on the ice during a fight, and the perpetrator wasn't even questioned about the obvious homicide.

Some stuff is too easily considered "part of the game", not just sports, but America's game......if you're not black.
While a different set of standards is still often applied to Black America.

Michael Vick is and should be given a short leash by the NFL, like any other convicted felon.
A strong case could be made that the NFL has gone beyond the boundaries of decency (and legality) by suspending him for 6 games.
An equally strong case could be made that the NFL would be within their rights to keep him from returning.

But, like it or not, he's coming back.
Can we just call things even and start anew?

And give Vick a chance?

Just my opinion...

Stuff The Media Isn't Telling You About Last Night's Yankee/Blosox Game

2009-08-10T06:08:00.013-06:00

Officials from Cooperstown contacted the Red Sox following the game to secure Victor Martinez's bat for enshrinement. The Red Sox declined the offer, until everyone in the organization has had a chance to touch it.

Martinez's home run ball is getting bids as high as 15K on E-Bay this morning.

Theo Epstein was seen after the game in a midtown Manhattan restaurant talking to two heart replacement surgeons from St. Vincent's Hospital. As a way of demonstrating his urgency, Epstein ordered chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes, creamed onions and cheese fries. Other patrons chipped in by purchasing his dessert......Boston Creamed Pie.

Epstein is also rumored to be working on a post trade deadline deal that would consist of a 3 way swap with the Yanks and Tigers. A deal that would include Phil Coke going to the Tigers (the Red Sox next opponent) and the "C" on Jason Varitek's jersey going to the Tigers in exchange for the Little Caesar's "Pizza Pizza" guy. The Tiger's Mike Ilitch, owner of Little Caesar's, had this to say about the deal...."As the owner of Little Caesar's, I appreciate the pain and suffering of organizations going downhill, and I am too happy to help out the good folks in Boston. Indeed, I'm also throwing in a free 12 inch baked bean and clam pie for everyone in Boston if the Red Sox ever win another game ".
The Tigers are said to be sending the Yankees a dozen Kyle Farnsworth bobblehead dolls found in his vacant locker.

In Flight entertainment for the Red Sox trip home included Jim Rice's 2009 Hall of Fame acceptance speech and highlights of the Sox 2004 season, with excerpts featuring Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz deleted and replaced by MLB PSA's about steroid abuse.

In other news from last night.....
Erin Andrews was visibly missing (Yogi alert) from ESPN's sideline coverage. ESPN confirmed a rumor that she is busy working on a new hotel workout video for women on the go. Title of the Video, to be released within 30 days,...."Dippin' in the Ritz".

The good folks at Neilsen Ratings announced this morning what most of America already knew.
8 million viewers successfully hard boiled an egg during Joe Morgan's 6th inning self destruction comparing the different styles of 2nd basemen Robinson Cano and Dustin Pedroia. Next up on Joe's Quest for the Lifetime "I Can Turn Obvious Into Inane" Award?
"Jon Lester is Lefthanded and Joba Chamberlain is Right Handed, and besides that, they're different".

In a related news item Steve Phillips was placed on ESPN's 21 day disabled list with tin ear.

And finally......

The Boston Media has officially changed Jason Varitek's nickname from Captain Intangible to Captain Invisible.
How bad can things be for this Boston icon when Hideki "Sundial" Matsui is trying to steal 2nd on him? (Friday night).
THAT was the greatest insult the Yanks sent Boston's way this weekend.

And that's just my opinion......

YANKS SHUTOUT BLOSOX FOR 24 INNINGS..WHAT WILL HAPPEN FIRST?

2009-08-08T21:12:00.007-06:00

Will the Blosox score a run against the Yankees?

Or will.......
ESPN release "The Video" of Erin Andrews to HBO for a one-time Pay-Per-View broadcast? (proceeds going to the "Bristol Build a Moat Foundation" for ESPN's World Domination Headquarters.)

Or will.......
Keith Olbermann and Dick Cheney share a wine spritzer in Nancy Pelosi's backyard?

Or will......
Manny swear off being Manny?

Or will.......
Joe Morgan enroll himself in a public speaking class?

Or will.......
Carl Pavano return the money he stole from the Yankees?

Or will.......
505 hit the Lottery? (I'm in the hunt for Saturday night!!)

A shoutout to Newsday's Neil Best for providing the inspiration for this with a Facebook entry he wrote.

505 LOGS INTO FACEBOOK ..WITNESSES UNPRECEDENTED LINE FOR DR. PHIL'S WAITING ROOM

2009-08-07T11:16:00.013-06:00

Okay people, what's goin' on?
Is it the full moon?
D'ere ain't no cure fo' the summertime blues?
Newsweek's cover story celebration of Charles Manson's 40th Anniversary got you down?
(Side note........WTF is up with THAT Newsweek editors? A lot of great things happened in 1969 and you choose THAT story for some front page melancholic nostalgia? Helter Skelter revisited indeed.....What's on next weeks cover? Reliving Your Birth Trauma? Top 10 Root Canals of All Time? A Newsweek Tribute to The Marquis de Sade?).

I was fortunate to wake up on the green side of the grass again this morning (for the 19,741st consecutive time.... proving once again, that Cal Ripken's record for longevity is greatly overrated), and obsessively darted directly to what has become my new morning love interest at the age of 54... Lady Dell... who always willingly accepts my gentle strokes on her tiny protuberances and is generally chock full of love that waressoft.

So I signed into Facebook, 2009's overused social netwoking platform...the internet's answer to weekly Mah Jong tournaments, Sock Hop's, Friendly's Ice Cream Parlors and the Corner Bar, and was met by a deluge of what eventually became (for me) an unprecedented reading of my friends, family's and associates painful Friday laments that was almost as bad as being forced to sit through a soccer game. (I said ALMOST)
Here's what I ran into on Facebook this morning, followed by my invasive and unrequested dime store psychology.
And no names have been changed to protect anyone's innocence...because....no one is.

From Donna K.F....Grammar School Classmate from 40 years ago who pretty much inspired today's blog cuz she got me thinking (not an easy task):
"Ravinia tonight to see the Four Tops and Temptations for a high school mini-reunion. Hope we won't be dancing in the rain."
Yo Donna.....regress a little. Embrace the rain...Dancing in the rain is one of life's great and unappreciated joys. Remember as a kid going barefoot out onto the streets of LI and splashing in the puddles while drenching that new dress your mother just purchased (on sale) at Pergaments? And the stench that emanated from the pavement after a hard rain on a hot day? That olfactory orgasm and brain damaging rush created by the combination of ozone, tar and oil?
It was great stuff.
PRAY FOR RAIN.

From Paul L......former Men's Senior Baseball Teammate and one time local ABQ DJ:
"Is wondering where youth went after re-connecting with sooo many old friends. Remember when everybody in their 40's was old?"
Yo Paul......Ya can still rope a fastball, can't ya? Especially one of those meat sandwiches that the hotshot 25 year olds thought they could get past us, and probably still think they can do today, right? You're still listening to Kiss and AC/DC , right?
Are there any young bands "under 40" that can shine those shoes? Even today?
Most "under 40's" I know need walkers.
The largest (pun intended) consumers of "the little blue pill" are under 40.
We shall always be......... old enough to know.....and young enough not to care.

From Mrs 505.....bride of 26 years...who has every reason in the world for comments like this..
"...don't u wish you could just scream in your front yard at the top of your lungs go back inside have some coffee and thats that"
Don't you remember when you COULD go outside in your front yard and scream at the top of your lungs and not worry about a phalanx of swat teams, snarling dogs, helicopters, CNN cameras and Geraldo surrounding your house, your zip code and and your mother's house 2 time zones away?
Think about that and how good your life has been. Our kids will never get to enjoy 1/3 of the pleasures and freedoms that we treasured.

From Gary H.....brother in law and BFF for too many years..
"...tired of FB suggesting I be friends with all my wifes friends and of course my sponsored ad's for romance over 40"
Yo bro........ tired of looking at pictures of hot women within a setting that doesn't compromise your position as doting father and loving spouse?
Get a handle on that joystick big fella....this family can't handle any more Pee Wee Herman incidents (whoops....I wasn't supposed to talk about that).

Wendy R....Sister in law who once told me that her sister would dump me in 6 months.
"....is looking out the window at a dreary wet gray yucky suburban neighborhood."
Geezus another rain lament.
Yo Wendy....as someone too familiar with your part of the country, an area of the world inspired by a blueprint drawn up by Lucifer, you of all people should understand the pleasurable difference between getting pelted by some fresh raindrops when compared to needing Magellan's sextant to navigate through the blinding cloudbanks of mosquitos and horseflies .
Put on some Jackson Browne (you love the thunder...you love the rain)...
Go to the spa or something. ;)

Bob Mantz....blogger extraordinaire with a sense of humor as warped as mine (Please click on Bob's blog at the bottom)
"Sad. March of The Penguins star eaten by polar bear."
Bob, Bob, Bob......as I told you.....that can't happen...
A/Sarah Palin would shoot, stuff and mount the bear before he got close to the penguin.
B/Polar Bears= Northern Hemisphere..........Penguins=Southern Hemisphere.

And Finally

Neil Best...Newsday columnist.......The Watchdog:
"I'm so old that I was too old for John Hughes movies even when I was young."
Sigh......another age lament.
I'm burned out. No more peanuts left in this gallery.
As Lucy once hung so well "Office is closed"

COME ON FOLKS!!!!! LIGHTEN UP!!!

It's Friday!!

The Yanks are up, the Red Sox are out of needles and cream.

IT'S HAPPY HOUR SOMEWHERE IN AMERICA..........JUMP IN...THE BEER IS COLD.

And quit raining on your age.

ONLY 46% OF APS 9TH GRADERS GRADUATE, 505 BEATS A DEAD HORSE

2009-08-06T00:03:00.007-06:00

In a report issued Wednesday by the NM State Department of Education, the Albuquerque Public School District logged a 46% graduation rate for 9th graders who entered the system.

Let me repeat that number.......FORTY SIX PERCENT.
Once more.........FORTY SIX PERCENT.

Now....why should I give a shit?
My kids are long gone from that sinkhole called Public School Education in New Mexico.
Mrs. 505 and I did our jobs as dutiful parents and fought the noble fight and made sure they got out of there in one piece.
I'm just gonna say that it wasn't very easy.
Especially when you are not only fighting the societal speed bumps that confront teenagers in the 21st Century, but it ain't right when elected leaders and the calcified layers of tenured education system bureaucrats throw up even higher and tougher speed bumps.

Which brings me to the dead horse.
Many years ago....2001, shortly after 9/11....the Albuquerque City Council initiated a program that is now common in most cities in America.
The Party Patrol.
In short, Federal Funds were secured (initially about 80K) to pay (overtime) for off-duty APD cops to DRIVE AROUND TOWN, looking for teenage parties where alcohol was present and issue the kids Minor In Possession Citations. The equivalent of a Traffic Ticket. With a standard sentencing/penalty of alcohol abuse training.
Doesn't sound bad, right? (if you can overlook the Constitutional Issues of search and destroy tactics by our gendarmes).
But the punishment did not stop there.
Each week, Albuquerque Public Schools (henceforth APS) received a list of all the weekend's roundups, and as per APS Policy, the accused (but not convicted) kids were immediately kicked off of any extra curricular activities/teams for the remainder of the year.
See where I am going here?
Ask any counsellor of teens and they will all tell you....The best thing for kids "rehab" is to KEEP THEM INVOLVED....don't give them a chance to dawdle.

Now here's what REALLY made me sick to my stomach about this Yossarian nightmare.
The President of the City Council in 2001 (and still today) was a gentleman by the name of Brad Winter. The Party Patrol was his idea, his program, he did all the work, he secured the funds, he wrote the bill and got it passed.
Brad Winter, at the time, had a day job as the Vice Principal of the Largest High School in Albuquerque.

Two years later I attended a City Council Meeting where one of the topics being debated and voted on was the renewal of the Party Patrol Budget (up to about 120K) .
I listened to all the Council Members wax poetic about the success of the program, heard the Police Officers Association express their satisfaction with the program (why not? lots of easy overtime) and heard about all kinds stats and numbers about how many citations were issued on average per week, per month, by age etc.
I took advantage to address the crowd (SRO--but for a different reason) and the Council.
I grabbed the microphone and looked at Brad Winter and asked him "Brad, those are impressive stats....over 3900 MIP citations issued last year....with that in mind SIR....can you tell me how many kids graduated from the High School where you work full time as a Vice Principal last year? And how many graduated overall from APS?"
No response.
"I didn't think so", I said.
I then asked each Council Member if THEY could answer that question about the High Schools in their district.
Same blank stares, not a single audible utterance from these "community leaders".
I followed up with a finger wagging admonishment directed at Mr. Winter and his cronies that went like "Shame on you, shame on you, shame on all of you....You can miraculously find funds to criminalize our kids, in order to give yourselves doorflyer data for your reelections, while our gymnasiums are dark, our fields are locked up, our kids musical instruments are being seized and the MIP numbers go up, while our graduation rates go down. YOU PEOPLE DISGUST ME".

I received a standing ovation from the overflowing crowd.

The bill to continue the Party Patrol was passed unaminously.

And in 2009, Brad Winter is no longer a Vice Principal (Still the City Council President...he has done much "good" and has the numbers to prove it)
He has moved up the inexorable bureacratic Public School trough and is now APS Director Of Operations. And more gyms are dark....more fields are locked....aside from Varsity Sports there are few extracurricular activities available for kids.

And our MIP numbers keep going up....and the cops are still happy....and Brad Winter keeps getting re-elected... and 46% of our 9th graders from 4 years ago just graduated High School.

I know of very few teenagers in Albuquerque who escape from this place without some kind of Criminal Record (I believe the going rate is 2 MIP's per teenager by the age of 18..and I know WAY TOO MANY who fail to graduate).

Someone.....please.....stop the madness.

(Final note to this long story longer....there was ONE year since 2001 when the funding for the Party Patrol was curtailed....shortly after Brad Winter's son---visiting over Christmas from Brad's estranged wife's home in Virginia---was cited by APD for a MIP and ARRESTED for criminal trespass for hosting a kegger in an empty apartment).

How....why.....do we elect people like this?
Are our School Systems littered with educators? Or self-serving wardens?

And as always.....it's just my opinion